My Dad is getting worse and won't stop phoning

[MHMHMH]

Since lockdown started I have been phoning my Dad around 4 - 5 times a day and even manage to video call most evenings when he can work out how to answer it. However, as lockdown has eased, I am unable to spend that much time in constant communication, so have tried to reduce the calls to one a day and a video call in the evening. This is because two or three times a week we meet up for a walk.

However, he doesn’t understand the changes and attempts to phone me at the previous times I had phoned him. When he doesn’t get through, he panics and phones every number he has as well as text, email and even WhatsApp video call (which I am amazed he is able to do when he can’t even answer my calls normally).

This has got to a breaking point and is now seriously affecting both myself and my wife’s health. He is still just about capable of independent living, but the relentless phone calls and other communications are driving us mad. I also have to say I am growing to hate him, which is a terrible admission.

I have Lasting Power of Attorney, so could take over his health and financial decisions if need be, I think it has probably come to that, and I am trying to decide whether it is time for him to go into a home.

My mum died 2 years ago, which is when he moved near me, so he is extremely lonely. He is in a retirement apartment with a warden and a care line facility and before lockdown, he joined in with many daily activities (coffee mornings, cinema, booze up nights etc..) but having been very successful in business and only full retiring around 4 years ago, he is deeply unsatisfied with his life and only joins in activities because it is the only viable thing for him to do.

Seeing him 2 or 3 times a week is as much as I can cope with, yet I know, if he could, he would want to spend all his time with me and my wife. I feel this pressure and struggle to cope with knowing how lonely he is. I ultimately can’t solve his loneliness, but spending time with me alleviates it, but at huge cost to me.

Has anybody else had a similar experience and can offer advice?


Thanks
Mike

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to the forums Mike @MHMHMH.
That's a hard stressful time many of us can relate too. There's times when I resent my partner even though I know it is the dementia and not her, so you are not alone in that feeling and are doing your best in spite of everything. Sometimes I found the activities in our extra care housing to be a bit of a drag, but the stimulation they gave to C was valuable and your dad must a bit lonely and isolated. Others can advise you on care homes and medication if that helps. Have you spoken to your dad's GP about medication.

 

[MHMHMH]

Welcome to the forums Mike @MHMHMH.
That's a hard stressful time many of us can relate too. There's times when I resent my partner even though I know it is the dementia and not her, so you are not alone in that feeling and are doing your best in spite of everything. Sometimes I found the activities in our extra care housing to be a bit of a drag, but the stimulation they gave to C was valuable and your dad must a bit lonely and isolated. Others can advise you on care homes and medication if that helps. Have you spoken to your dad's GP about medication.

I am in the process of registering the LPA with my Dad's surgery which is slightly more complex due to Corona, so I won't be able to have that discussion until that is completed.

 

[Galanthus]

Hi Mike

I am in a similar position, as I’m sure many are on here, in that I am all my mum has, and her dependence on me weighs heavily. I feel those same things, anger, resentment, anxiety, hatred. I feel violent, sometimes, I’ve weighed up the prison sentence. (I guess I ought to put here that it remains in my head at all times).

So although I’ve no advice, I send you and your wife kinship and complete understanding. Keep posting, there are the wisest of souls with a wealth of experience here.

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

You seem to be saying that it is the stress caused by phone calls which are the main problem so this is what you need to deal with.
You say you have LPA and are thinking it may be time for him to go into a home.
However he is managing in the sheltered housing and with careline.

He is phoning you because you are the most convenient and what he is used to and trusts.
Can you get his phone off him and do something with it such as speed dial so that there are other numbers in it he can call easily? The warden and careline in the sheltered housing definitely, plus other numbers that you know would be helpful.
The main thing is thst he is safe.
My personal experience when my Mum was living alone in her own home, she would only call me when she had a problem which she wanted urgent help with, or sometimes random things like some funny joke she had just remembered. But often I was really stressed because I could not help her with the things she wanted help RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE! with. Myself Not having a car, being disabled, and living 25 miles away there was not much I could do.
I am sorry to say that eventually I set up a night mode on my phone so only certain people could get through after "office hours" ended. I felt guilty not adding her number but the stress was really affecting my health.
Its very relevant he is living alone for the first time and not in the place where he used to live, of course he is lonely. But its not your job to fix that. I would have a chat on the phone with the warden or manager at the housing complex and ask they keep an eye out for him. I have experience of the sheltered housing and they will make an effort to keep an eye out for those who are particularly vulnerable. 2 years is not long and it may take him a while to adjust to being in a new place. Plus we are still in the middle of a global pandemic.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Would your father want to move to a care home? I agree entirely that he needs one and it might solve his loneliness issue but having LPA doesn't mean you can put him in a care home against his will.

If you were to do this and he tried to leave, the care home would not be able to stop him unless he is under a DoLS order. To obtain that, social services would have to be sure he wanted to be there, and if he said he wanted to go home he would be allowed to unless it can be established he no longer has mental capacity. An advocate will be appointed for him and it wouldn't be you because you'd want him to stay there and that would be against his wishes.

Just warning you because this happened to me when I moved mum to a CH. Fortunately I was able to argue that mum didn't have enough mental capacity to make decisions for herself so she stayed there, but not without a lot of dispute with social services. Unfortunately the system can be very adversarial.

 

[MHMHMH]

Would your father want to move to a care home? I agree entirely that he needs one and it might solve his loneliness issue but having LPA doesn't mean you can put him in a care home against his will.

If you were to do this and he tried to leave, the care home would not be able to stop him unless he is under a DoLS order. To obtain that, social services would have to be sure he wanted to be there, and if he said he wanted to go home he would be allowed to unless it can be established he no longer has mental capacity. An advocate will be appointed for him and it wouldn't be you because you'd want him to stay there and that would be against his wishes.

Just warning you because this happened to me when I moved mum to a CH. Fortunately I was able to argue that mum didn't have enough mental capacity to make decisions for herself so she stayed there, but not without a lot of dispute with social services. Unfortunately the system can be very adversarial.

Thanks for the information.

I would certainly get his approval. He would give it, because despite everything else, he is utterly dependent on me and wouldn't be able to cope without my support.

Ongoing, if he changed his mind, I think he would be very far down the line and he wouldn't have a home to go back to and I would have the support of his GP.

 

[Sarah1208]

Has he actually been diagnosed with dementia? A care home is a very big step if he is managing at home. Could the next step be some carers to go in? Maybe for some companionship to alleviate the loneliness.

 

[kindred]

Has he actually been diagnosed with dementia? A care home is a very big step if he is managing at home. Could the next step be some carers to go in? Maybe for some companionship to alleviate the loneliness.

I so agree, in fact some care agencies say that they regard it as a very important function to provide companionship. We had carers in to provide my husband with company and conversation and they were very good at this. warmest, Kindred

 

[MHMHMH]

Carers might be an option.

He doesn’t really need care, but companionship should be very beneficial.

I live in a very close village community and many friends from our village have visited him (before lockdown) and helped out. However, he doesn’t value any of it, because he doesn’t know them or his fellow residents well, so lacks an emotional connection which is what he craves.

This puts the emphasis entirely on me all the time, which adds to the pressure.

 

[canary]

he doesn’t know them or his fellow residents well, so lacks an emotional connection which is what he craves.

This puts the emphasis entirely on me all the time, which adds to the pressure.

Im not sure that you will be able to solve this wherever he is.
There comes a time, though, when you have to go with needs - yours as well as his - rather than what the person with dementia wants

You might also consider day care, which would occupy a lot of the day.

 

[MHMHMH]

Im not sure that you will be able to solve this wherever he is.
There comes a time, though, when you have to go with needs - yours as well as his - rather than what the person with dementia wants

You might also consider day care, which would occupy a lot of the day.

I have to agree, my primary concern has switched from my father to protecting myself and my family.

I think as lockdown eases I will start by utilising resources such as carers, day care, fellow villagers and technology to mitigate the situation as much as I can.

While I can’t solve my fathers loneliness, increasing anxiety and fears, I can occupy a great deal of his time through other people. That will help me and my family immensely.

Thank you everybody for acting as a sounding board. I am normally extremely capable, but this is so close to home, it disabled my rational brain for a while. This forum has helped me regain my ability to solve problems rationally by thinking somewhat in the third person.

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

You say that he is utterly dependent on you, and by implication that he would do whatever you wanted.
This could set up a potential conflict of interest.
Please look into the ways of getting additional telephone support for him as I suggested.
Having dealt with my Mum's decline over 10 years to the point where she could no longer do anything for herself, I really think the fact that your Dad can use video calls and was joining in the activities at the sheltered housing, suggests this is a problem with social isolation and lockdown-its. Do you know about NHS Volunteer responders,

Volunteering | Voluntary Work | Volunteer with Royal Voluntary Service

Looking for voluntary work? Volunteer jobs available. Royal Voluntary Service, national volunteer charity. Learn about volunteer experience and roles.

volunteering.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk

there is also age uk and other befriending services which you could help him access.
I hope you will continue to post here and keep us up to date on how things are for you.