Mum's started screaming

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by mw52, Nov 24, 2006.

  1. mw52

    mw52 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2006
    32
    Leeds
    Dear All
    I'm sure there will be loads of you out there who will be able to give me some support so here goes ....
    I finally went to see the GP last week and am currently on "sick" for two weeks. Not feeling any better really - someone in another post said that being off work just gives you more time to dwell on things and I agree. The gp didn't suggest any anti-depressants.
    So, last couple of times we've been to see mum she's been very noisy and agressive. I went to see her yesterday - she didn't have a clue who I was. Called me mummy, nana, grandma, auntie, nurse - then was asking me who my mum was and if I lived with my nana. Really confused. Then saying she'd got a new baby called Malcolm. She was shouting and screaming even whilst I was there and before we have been able to calm her down but nothing I said or did had any effect. After two hours, I left.
    This morning I have phoned to see how she is and the staff nurse said she had been so noisy in the dining room that the other residents had been upset and complaining so they had taken her back to her room.
    She had an appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday and was noisy there - he could see the deterioration in her since he last saw her.
    When she was admitted into the nursing home, as she was diagnosed with lewy bodies and was just "pleasantly confused", she was OK and quite managable. She's in a unit where there are a few dementia patients but mostly the other residents need nuring care. She used to chat and laugh and joke with the nurses and sing all day long and was no trouble at all. But this screaming and shouting is just horrendous. My mum would never say boo to a goose and as for swearing - well she isn't using any four letter words yet but she does swear a lot. And it's just so out of character.
    I think the next thing will be that the unit manager will say that she's not suitable for the unit and that she will have to move to somewhere - whihc I just dread having to go through all that again looking for places.
    Thanks for reading
    M:(
     
  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    HI, M - and well done getting to the docs first of all. I'm sorry I can't help much on the 'screaming' (sure plenty will be here soon on that) but as far as being off work is concerned, looking back on my own experience I would say it was no earthly use at all. In fact, it was - and this is only in my own experience - possibly the worse thing.... Work is my 'constant' - family (not just - but especially mum!) present different and often very emotionally damaging challenges as we all know ... work - well, it's work .... a routine, a focus outside my caring responsibilities (not to say it doesn't present its own challenges but not huge emotional hurdles on a daily/ hourly basis). I actually consider myself 'lucky' here in that I do have a job to go out to ... and in that respect have the opportunity to be involved for a few hours each day in a world where logic and routine still exists around me.... and hopefully permeates through to me at times ....

    I recall returning to work after being off 'sick' thinking 'what a waste' (of those weeks). I had 'achieved' nothing - neither for myself nor my mum, which in turn made me feel even worse about my self and inability to 'cope' (whatever that is). Crawled back into bed the minute my son went off to school ..... I might as well have put a sign on the door 'Depression - please enter' .....

    With hindsight, I needed to be busy ..... but I had no focus ....(and that focus could have been getting round to the much needed clear out of kitchen cupboards etc) ..... nor did I have the support (which I have since recognised) of colleagues whose 'tittle-tattle' served to prove there IS other life outside the somewhat isolated world I seem to live in and provide some perspective.

    I'm not suggesting it is 'wrong' to be off work (and depending on different jobs and required concentration levels it must be absolutely the 'right thing' for some at some points) ..... just to share that for me, in early stages with mum, it was the LEAST productive and helpful time. The only thing that time has served for me is to make me appreciate how it is for those carers for whom there is no 'escape' valve to a non-dementia world......

    ... if that helps at all...

    Much love, Karen,
     
  3. dave b

    dave b Registered User

    Nov 21, 2006
    63
    staffs
    tender face ( karen)
    i think you have said that brilliantly!
    work is our escape,it's only commerce+ effort
    if we get it wrong it dos'nt matter
    when we get home it does! sorry if this sounds stupid
    but i have had some r & r tonight (liquid)
    dave
     
  4. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    24
    home

    did you try caring for her at home? your mum? sounds unworkable on the outside but it is amazing how all around adapt and I still believe that they know their surroundings and familiar faces ...things that are lost through lack of 24hr contact
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,879
    Kent
    Karen, you`ve hit the nail on the head.

    When I cared for my mother, I worked. There were always distractions, I loved my job, colleagues were supportive, even the journey there and back was enjoyable.
    I had stimulating conversation and discussions which carried me through the trauma of my mother losing her mind.
    Now I care for my husband and am retired. I see no one, other than shop assistants and neighbours. I speak to friends and family on the phone, I email, I use message boards, but mostly we are isolated and it`s hard.
    Our son has just phoned and asked his dad to go to watch football with him, this afternoon. He has also suggested we both go there for lunch, before the match. That is lovely, and as much as he can do on his weekend off. I can`t ask for more and I`m so grateful as I`ll see our grandchildren, but it will be just a couple of hours in the whole of the week.

    Sorry for wingeing, but keep yourself going with work, Karen, as long as you can.
    And M, I hope things don`t turn out as bad as they seem for you just now.

    Love Sylvia
     
  6. mw52

    mw52 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2006
    32
    Leeds
    Not much better

    Dear All
    Thanks for your replies. Mum was at home and my 82 year old dad just couldn't manage anymore and social services were unable to provide the care she requires (eg needs two staff to get her to the loo). So unfortunately she did have to go to a nursing home. Broke all our hearts .........
    Anyway, my sister and I have been successful (ha!) in getting the staff to contact the gp, who got in touch with the psychiatrist who prescribed amisulpride (?). She was still very noisy on Saturday when we went to see her but when I rang later in the evening she had calmed down. Dad went yesterday and she had no idea who he was and told him to s** off - which really upset him. I rang again last night and spoke to the unit manager who said that mum had calmed down later in the day but that dad had been really upset and in fact broke down in tears. I think he is finaly coming to terms with the fact that his wife of 56 years isn't ever coming back.
    I am trying to motivate myself - with not much success. I did make a cake last week but that's all I've done apart from the absolute minimum of cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing. One of my work colleagues said - oh well at least you will be able to get all your christmas shopping done!!!!
    Better go and clear the breakfast things ..............
    M:(
    ps - one bit of good news - been awarded £83 pw funded nursing care contribution from local authority - only taken 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear M, and so what if you do? If that helps you to 'ease your load' right now even in a relatively small and practical way - go do it! For all I said here before, I do think my GP's way of looking at things (by signing me off sick) was simply to take away one responsibility in my life temporarily whilst I focussed on others ..... I simply took being 'not fit for work' as 'not fit for anything' ......

    I do know how those comments can hurt ..... used to always think it must be great to have nothing to worry about in life that someone can be so flippant, huh? Conversely, it may be their own cover-up for the fact they really don't know what to say to you to help ... and they see a 'quip' as a means of making light of something they really don't know how to deal with themselves..... (either way I've tried to learn to feel sorry for THEM instaed of letting it get to me).

    You know, I recognise here, that whilst I struggle at times as mum's main carer - I don't have the angst like you and others of supporting my dad through this, too. Sure, I wish he were here (for me) , glad he isn't (for him) when I think how it would break his heart. I wonder how much harder it would be for me now if I had his emotional needs to try to support too? What support, if any, is your dad getting, apart from you?

    Please let us know how things are,

    Thinking of you, with much love, Karen, x
     
  8. mw52

    mw52 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2006
    32
    Leeds
    Thanks again

    Hi TF
    Thanks for your words of support and encouragement. My dad doesn't get any extra support apart from me and my sister - he's too proud to accept any help at all. Took us ages to get him to agree to have home care in when mum was still at home to help get her dressed, etc. There is no way at all he will go and see his gp even though I have begged and begged him to. Mum's social worker - who was an absolute tower of strength through all this but who sadly isn't involved any longer - different area - even asked him to go to the day centre - just for a couple of hours for his lunch. They've got a piano and he could play that for the others. No - he said - full of old people!!!!!!!!!!!!
    So maybe I will do a bit of shopping - can always shop on line - then I don't run the risk of bumping into someone from work. Hurrah for broadband
     
  9. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    I find out you're bidding against me on eBay there's trouble!!!!:D

    I feel like I'm a walking-talking ad for 'AgeConcern' at the mo - but one of the reasons mum got her 'buddy' was that the consultant recognised she refused any outside help (but me!) ... buddy, after much resistance even to her own visits, has now convinced mum 'DayCare' was a good option.... and all this is meant to 'pave the way' for Social Services to finally 'be allowed' to come in and relieve me of some of the 'practical' - just a thought - but is there an avenue there to help your dad (I get an 'Outreach worker' as the main carer, too)...

    Just a thought.... I certainly never would have 'convinced' mum on her own that some things would be good for her ....(funny how she'll listen to other people and not me - yet totally rely on me????:( ) ... perhaps there's some support out there to help you help your dad... know that doesn't help much with your mum ... but I've given up trying to tackle 'the whole' - it's all those 'little somethings' that just add up to helping US to cope sometimes,

    You sound much more positive ... that's great!!!!

    Love, Karen, x
     
  10. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I told my mother she'd have to accept the careworkers from Social Services or go in a home as I couldn't do it all. Tough love sometimes works.

    Within a few weeks the carers had turned into her best friends.
     
  11. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    135
    Germany/India
    [I recall returning to work after being off 'sick' thinking 'what a waste' (of those weeks). I had 'achieved' nothing - neither for myself nor my mum, which in turn made me feel even worse about my self and inability to 'cope' (whatever that is). Crawled back into bed the minute my son went off to school ..... I might as well have put a sign on the door 'Depression - please enter' .....

    With hindsight, I needed to be busy ..... but I had no focus ....(and that focus could have been getting round to the much needed clear out of kitchen cupboards etc) ..... nor did I have the support (which I have since recognised) of colleagues whose 'tittle-tattle' served to prove there IS other life outside the somewhat isolated world I seem to live in and provide some perspective.


    Much love, Karen,[/QUOTE]


    Hi Karen

    Been reading old posts - Karen, how right you are. I am being such a Martyr - have given up work in Germany to come to India to organise care for mum - it has been five months and all that's happened is I am "Drowning in Dementia" ever since and what repercussions that can have on the primary care giver. Realised the truth in "work is worship" .

    Coming to think of it, I should have spent more time "talking on TP" rather than to my friends who simply couldn't understand where I was coming from which sent me rattling further down the depression road.
     

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