Mum's neighbours have turned on me

[SarahL]

Hello

I haven't posted for a while but wanted to say that neighbours in my mum's cul-de-sac have been becoming increasingly anti me over the last year. It was firstly Mum's adjacent neighbour over a year ago, a lady who was believing everything Mum was telling her (negative things about me) which resulted in her calling my integrity into question and doubting my motives. I am the only daughter who does anything for Mum and have always been there for her. This lady neighbour was coming in and going through Mum's private affairs including finances and such like, taking her to the bank (which wasn't necessary) and saying nasty things about me that I wasn't doing enough. I have been dealing with the doctors for at least 4/5 years and the dementia services for 2 years, but as my Mum will not accept any intervention and the services say she has capacity, there is little more I can do than shopping, keep her company, do her domestic admin etc, she won't go to any groups and she is verbally nasty to me (calling me a *****, a *****, a thief, telling me I'm selfish, I'm hard as nails etc etc) and I can honestly say I have given over so much of my time and care. Other neighbours are now becoming antagonistic towards me for no reason (I used to know them quite well) and one of the male neighbours texted me and said 'if I don't stop my mum from saying inappropriate things they will take next steps'. He also said 'I was inactive and needed to take ownership of the situation'. I was so so upset and angry when I have been battling with this single handedly for years and they have no idea what goes on behind the scenes. They have just made judgments and assumptions but for some reason it has hit me very hard. I think I'm just all of out of resources and energy. The dementia services in my area told me to report his text to the police which I have now done and the centre are being very supportive which is good. I am changed forever with all that's happened, it is so so sad, angry-making, depressing, futile at times, exhausting, the abuse hurts so much even though I know it's the disease.
Has anyone experienced difficulties with neighbours? Just a similar tale might help me not feel so alone.
Thank you. Sarah

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sarah

I would ask help and advice from Social Services. The neighbours are being abusive towards you and have no right.

 

[jan.s]

I am so sorry Sarah to read how sad your situation has become. I have no similar situation, but wanted to send you my love and support. Jan x

 

[Wolfsgirl]

You have every right to be upset - it is extremely unfair. I hope the police will have a word and set things right for you as it might just need a simple explanation.

Please know you are understood here and your motives are certainly not in any doubt.

Sending you a hug, Sharon x

 

[Beate]

I would get on to the Vulnerable Adult Safeguarding Team at your Social Services. Your Mum needs to be protected from neighbours who a) go through her financial affairs without any authority to do so and b) say nasty things about her and you and even making threatening remarks.

Maybe you could also enlist the help of someone at the Alzheimer's Society to go round the neighbours with you and actually explain dementia to them as they don't seem to have much clue about it?

Also, who says she has capacity? Who determined that? It's certainly not up to Social Services to do so, they are neither doctors nor lawyers.

 

[SarahL]

Maybe you could also enlist the help of someone at the Alzheimer's Society to go round the neighbours with you and actually explain dementia to them as they don't seem to have much clue about it?

Hello and thank you for your response. I think that is a most excellent idea and I am going to speak to the Alzheimer's Society about doing that. The Police went round and I think all they are trying to do is diffuse a situation and keep the status quo, which doesn't actually give the neighbours any understanding of the disease. Best wishes and thank you again, Sarah

 

[Tin]

Similar tale for you SarahL. My mother while living alone was involving her neighbours in all kinds of family matters and they in turn telephoned my brother endlessly complaining about our neglect of her and mum was taking their side! It became impossible. January this year we moved mum into my home and not one of those 'neighbours' has telephoned to find out how she is. We have since found out that one neighbour in particular took it upon himself to sort out mum's finances! In my mind its unforgivable behaviour, at the beginning they were all happy to keep an eye on mum and report back to us, but as the dementia worsened they just started complaining. Oh my brother gets the odd call from them, but only to ask what are we going to do about the bungalow? There is a huge for sale sign up, think its fairly obvious what we are doing!

 

[Allypally52]

Oh dear SarahL - how awful for you and so unfair! Why are humans like this? It's a pack mentality where grumbling and gossiping and being indignant all together helps people feel like they 'belong'; a kind of negative intimacy where to be in the club you have to join the club. A bit like classic bullying - no, not a BIT like, JUST like bullying! The easy answer is to know that THEY are the ones with the problem and small minded lives but that doesn't help you deal with the emotional toll and especially hard where you've been ground down by years of abuse from your mum.
I would imagine that amongst the group of neighbours there might be one who seems to be colluding with the others but actually feels uncomfortable and if you can determine who that might be and have a chat with them on their own it could be a turning point.
Not much practical help I'm afraid but wanted to send you a hug. When my mum died my sister grumbled about me to my mum's best friend and she took it upon herself to tell me off despite not having the correct information. I remember how awful I felt at a time when I was emotionally exhausted and that was only a short term thing as this lady eventually saw for herself how things truly were and had the grace to say sorry. So i do understand a little bit. And here's another hug!

 

[jaymor]

Hi Sarah, dealing with dementia is very difficult when you are there and on top of it, you are not available to watch so a Mum is going to cause problems, or to be truthful, the disease will cause problems.

Neighbours can keep a friendly eye on Mum but should have no further involvement, for your own Mother's privacy and for their own entitlement to live without problems.

I think they can be forgiven for not understanding dementia, I knew very little when my husband was diagnosed 9 years ago, in fact what I thought I knew was not right. Now I think I could write several books on it and do a lecture tour.

Why not try going round the neighbours, apologising first that they have had cause to complain but could you just give them some insight to why your Mother is acting as she is. They might all be shocked by the disease and how it affects your Mother and also more tolerant.

If they are not then so be it, at least they know that your Mother lives in a different world, a jumbled up world that she struggles to understand. If something is lost, it is stollen, she has seen you but her memory is so short she does not remember and then thinks she has not seen you. She remembers nothing of what you do in the back ground so is convinced you do nothing.

You really are stuck if your Mother refuses any help via carers etc so for now all you can do is limit the damage and try to get the neighbours on side or at least not judging you incorrectly.

Take care,

Jay

 

[Witzend]

Oh dear SarahL - how awful for you and so unfair! Why are humans like this? It's a pack mentality where grumbling and gossiping and being indignant all together helps people feel like they 'belong'; a kind of negative intimacy where to be in the club you have to join the club. A bit like classic bullying - no, not a BIT like, JUST like bullying! The easy answer is to know that THEY are the ones with the problem and small minded lives but that doesn't help you deal with the emotional toll and especially hard where you've been ground down by years of abuse from your mum.
I would imagine that amongst the group of neighbours there might be one who seems to be colluding with the others but actually feels uncomfortable and if you can determine who that might be and have a chat with them on their own it could be a turning point.
Not much practical help I'm afraid but wanted to send you a hug. When my mum died my sister grumbled about me to my mum's best friend and she took it upon herself to tell me off despite not having the correct information. I remember how awful I felt at a time when I was emotionally exhausted and that was only a short term thing as this lady eventually saw for herself how things truly were and had the grace to say sorry. So i do understand a little bit. And here's another hug!

Actually, I do think neighbours do sometimes have legitimate grounds for complaint. People can often be very kind, but it does happen that people with dementia will continually be e.g. knocking on doors at unsocial hours, forgetting that they did the same an hour ago, or even 3 times that day already.

From experience, people will often very kindly help uncomplainingly for quite a while before it all gets too much. NB Not that I am saying there has been any such thing in the OP's case, but I know my poor old FIL was frequently asking neighbours for help because he had locked himself out yet again, and it was quite a while before they informed us. By then he had also started accusing them of stealing things nobody in their right mind would want anyway.

Equally more than once my granny knocked on a neighbour's door in the middle of the night, in her nightie, asking to be driven to Scotland. As I said, people are often very kind, but there may well come a point where it does all get to be too much.

 

[Nebiroth]

agreed, Witzend. Our neighbours were incredibly tolerant of my dad going on to their property and peering through their windows. I am not so sure they would have felt the same had they known what he was constantly accusing them of and so on.

Unfortunately, I rather suspect your mum has been saying the same sorts of things to your neighbours as she does to you. Maybe worse.

Whilst your mum cannot help what she does, she does it nonetheless. If my neighbour had dementia regularly said unpleasant and upsetting things to my mum then I would most certainly be demanding action from their family.

I honestly do not think your mum's neighbours are being abusive, I strongly suspect they are in your mum's firing line and are reaching the limits of their tolerance (or simply do not know she had dementia or do not understand what it means)

I suspect that they are faced with what they few as a deranged lady who shouts nasty things at them, with nothing being done about it, and that they have a right to not have this happen.

If the neighbours were genuinely nasty, I think they;d have gone to the police first, rather than attempt a semblance of an amicable solution by constacting her family first.

The problem here and I think the biggest cause of your upset is that you know your mum can;t help these things as she is ill and that you are being unjustifiably accused of not doing anything when you are in fact doing everything possible.

I would try and see if you can have a quiet chat with your neighbours #, find out what has been happening, and explain the situation.

 

[Pookie]

This is appalling. Sending ( ( ( ( ( cuddles ) ) ) ) ) it's all I have to give.

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Talking Point mobile app

 

[angelface]

I found with my aunt that she had an interfering friend who was going thro aunties finances. My aunt would not allow me to have POA, and Iwas unhappy at the friend taking over. In the end SW helped me take papers from aunts house so we could apply to COP for deputyship.
I got control of her pension by becoming th Appointed Person with the DWP
Have you tried the GP about how much capacity your mother has? If she still has capacity, then if you can explain this to the neighbours, you could suggest they contact police or SS when problems occour.
If they do it often enough, they will build up a case for mum to have more care.

 

[Allypally52]

Actually, I do think neighbours do sometimes have legitimate grounds for complaint. People can often be very kind, but it does happen that people with dementia will continually be e.g. knocking on doors at unsocial hours, forgetting that they did the same an hour ago, or even 3 times that day already.

From experience, people will often very kindly help uncomplainingly for quite a while before it all gets too much. NB Not that I am saying there has been any such thing in the OP's case, but I know my poor old FIL was frequently asking neighbours for help because he had locked himself out yet again, and it was quite a while before they informed us. By then he had also started accusing them of stealing things nobody in their right mind would want anyway.

Equally more than once my granny knocked on a neighbour's door in the middle of the night, in her nightie, asking to be driven to Scotland. As I said, people are often very kind, but there may well come a point where it does all get to be too much.

Yes, perhaps you're right. I felt so sorry for SarahL that I was a bit judgmental as of course I don't know the neighbours......but surely the right thing would be to catch her and have a constructive talk rather than suddenly going cold on her as a group and then issuing an ultimatum by text message. I don't know the situation, but I did recognise someone at the end of her tether and just wanted to offer some support at a very low moment

 

[HelenInBC]

SarahL we have had a similiar problem with the folks who live in my mom's building. There are a group of residents who regularly get together in the common room to play cards, have coffee, play bingo and other activities. My mom was always a part of this group, before her symptoms were very noticeable. Now that she has become more confused, she has trouble playing the games, sometimes gets angry and will occasionally lash out verbally at people- usually if she feels like she's being ignored or she can't follow the rules of the games.
We have had people complaining to the concierge and even one resident's daughter called and emailed me and verbally attacked me, saying I'm not taking care of my mother properly and that she was endangering her father's health by being a burden on him. She told me my mother "belongs in a care home" and that if I didn't do this for her, I was neglecting her needs and causing harm to everyone else in the building. She was very abusive and unkind. I try to think of it that she is just worried about her own parent and this causes her to behave irrationally.

It's very hard to hear though. Most people do not understand dementia and how difficult it is to manage it. Some think it's as simple as just tucking them away in a care home and that's that! We all know it's much more complext than that. I'm sorry you are taking the brunt of this abuse. It's insult to injury that you don't need.
I hope some of the other suggestions here can help you.

 

[sistermillicent]

I would be very tempted to give the number for Social Services to the neighbour who wants to "take steps" and encourage him to contact them which might help to get SS to understand how much help is needed and that maybe your mum does not have capacity.
I would also be quite happy for them to call the police.

I believe that when it comes down to it your mother is not legally your responsibility.

 

[TinaT]

I've just written a long post in response and pressed the wrong button so it all got deleted. I've been in a similar situation with two of mother's neighbours who were very, very unjust to me. I can't help but look back and feel mum was very much to blame in this situation as she delighted in being 'a victim' and encouraged this attitude by these two neighbours.

Fortunately my mother also had a very long standing friend who stoutly defended me, even though it put her in a difficult situation with these neighbours. Many people who have followed me on this site will perhaps remember my posts about mum and her dear friend Betty! I also had the full support of my brother who gave one of these neighbours a real telling off when she tried to turn him against me.

What I wanted to say to you is try to rise above the horrid neighbours! There are some people who delight in causing upset and use language which is abusive and quite uncalled for. I knew I was doing my very best to keep mum in her own home and anyone who knew me and my mother well, also knew this. These disgraceful, meddling and ignorant people are not prepared to put in a little effort to help but are only too happy to point an accusing finger!!

Take absolutely no notice and continue to do your best in a very difficult situation. Easier said than done I know! I still hate the two neighbours who made a difficult situation almost impossible for me to deal with.

xxTinaT

 

[Pookie]

My thoughts of your neighbours is unprintable.

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Talking Point mobile app

 

[SarahL]

Thank you so much Allypally I really appreciate your support and the hugs. It is a really, really difficult time and knowing that you understand and empathise gives me strength.

I also understand what Witzend is saying, however I was previously friends with the neighbours in the cul-de-sac as I used to live just round the corner from Mum so I was around at hers a lot until 2012 September when I moved about 25 minutes away. The neighbours' children even used to play with my daughter and they all knew me well. But then they started to take against me, they avoided eye contact when I was going to Mum's, could hardly utter a hello, which I now realise is because they were making judgments and assumptions about my level of care and possibly, as Witzend points out, maybe dealing with Mum knocking on their doors (I know she did to the lady next door). Therefore as we all knew each other quite well I was even more upset that the texts were addressed in a very formal, impersonal way and for this reason, combined with the content of the texts and their skewed thoughts and accusations, I will not be communicating with them directly again. If they had been mature and objective, things would be different. If they attempt to speak to me, I will be contacting the Police again and adding to the incident report. Also, as sistermillicent says in the latest response to this post, I am not actually legally responsible for my mother's behaviour. The dementia services are totally on my side in all of this and although I appreciate the neighbours do not want my Mum 'on their doorstep' with all the difficulties Alzheimer's entails, I have finally realised I am allowed to take a step back and set myself some boundaries here too. As the authorities deem her to have capacity there is legally nothing I can do. I have never been so upset when the neighbour told me I needed to 'take ownership of the problem' when I have battling for 5 years. I hit rock bottom with all of this last year and I do not want to sink back down.

Many thanks for all your support and help and experiences.

 

[SarahL]

Thank you, my thoughts are on a par with yours. I will never ever speak to them again and it is all in the hands of the authorities now. x