Oh yes, I appreciate that it will take a while for him to settle. Hopefully I will be able to post again in a few months to say things have improved ???
Mum wants to go home
- Thread starter Andrea C
- Start date
Hi, I'm so glad I have found this forum, my partners' 87 year old Mum has recently gone into a lovely care home following a month in hospital. Whenever he, or his brother visit, she is crying and sad and asking to 'go home'. As others have found, they are experiencing extreme emotional stress with this situation. Care home staff have offered to prescribe his Mum a sedative to help calm her down before their visits, but the family don't know what it is and it doesn't sit very well with them. His Mum has a lovely personal carer, is engaging with residents, and eating well, so the family are confident she is in the right place. However, they fear that if they don't visit for a few weeks, although she will continue to settle, she may forget who they are, or that just by seeing them again, it will still trigger those memories and sadness in their Mum and the process will start again.
Why don't you have a frank and honest chat with the home about your worries here? If they are confident he will settle down, as you say, you don't need to worry so much as he's far from the limit of what they can cope with. My dad can be the same if pushed, so generally they don't push him, and just gently steer him, or if he refuses something attempt it again later.
I can't see my dad very often due to living so far away from him, but you can see a PWD every day and they will forget who you are. I really would stop the visits for a bit and let her settle, it sounds really distressing for her let alone them.
Hello @LouiseS and welcome to Talking Point
At one point I was unable to visit mum for quite a few weeks, but when I visited again she still knew who I was and actually thought it was only a couple of days since she had seen me.
I think a couple of eweks will be long enough to break the behavioural loop, but short enough to make it unlikely that your MIL will forget them.
At one point I was unable to visit mum for quite a few weeks, but when I visited again she still knew who I was and actually thought it was only a couple of days since she had seen me.
Hi @imthedaughter I bit the bullet and did just that earlier today and expressed my concerns - they did put my mind at rest for now. It helps to know that other families have experienced the same situation.
Hi Ruth
My mom returned home on 1st September my heart said give it a try my gut said run for the hills.. Social Services organised temporary funded carers to go in three times a day which my mom reluctantly allowed as it was a condition of discharge. Carers went in, did nothing as she would not allow them to and when it came for me to swap to self funded carers she point blank refused to pay so it is now all down to me.
My mom can get herself up, wash, dress, take medication that I have left out and reheat or eat the meals I provide. I was going over twice a day but found that to be too much so I now go about 10/11 and ring at teatime to check she has eaten etc. It is not ideal but it is the best I can do. She has once phoned me at 1247 in the morning telling me she could not find my son - I told her he was here in his bed and told her that she needed to be in her bed. I found out when I got there later and spotted wet shoes that prior to ringing me she had been walking the streets at midnight looking for him! I did report this to both her GP and Social Services but they are obviously not that bothered. To be honest I dread my phone going and I dread going over every morning as I do not know what I will be walking into. Last time I spoke to her GP he mentioned that her hospital admission was due to delirium. She is forgetting a lot more and is finding it difficult to come up with the words she wants - she thinks she is 72 when she is actually 83 and I have also lost 20 years (I wish). On Saturday she told me how good her sofa has been as she has had it all her married life (about 60+ years) - the sofa was bought approximately 25 years ago and apparently she has only lived in her current house a short while (15 years).
As Social Services deemed her to have capacity I managed to get POA sorted (Solicitor sent it to OPG about five weeks ago) hopefully as things get worse that piece of paper will help me.
Bluntly I am struggling big time if it was just my mom I could cope but my youngest son is autistic and is currently school refusing so between the two of them I am being dragged in all directions. In an ideal world my mom would be settled in a care home where I could go and visit her as a daughter not the one who is having to remember her tablets, think of what to conjure up for lunch/tea, etc etc. Even what is supposed to be a simple task like collect a prescription takes an email, three phone calls and two visits to the chemist and even after all that I still only have half of the prescribed dementia tablets as the chemist is struggling to get stock.
My mom returned home on 1st September my heart said give it a try my gut said run for the hills.. Social Services organised temporary funded carers to go in three times a day which my mom reluctantly allowed as it was a condition of discharge. Carers went in, did nothing as she would not allow them to and when it came for me to swap to self funded carers she point blank refused to pay so it is now all down to me.
My mom can get herself up, wash, dress, take medication that I have left out and reheat or eat the meals I provide. I was going over twice a day but found that to be too much so I now go about 10/11 and ring at teatime to check she has eaten etc. It is not ideal but it is the best I can do. She has once phoned me at 1247 in the morning telling me she could not find my son - I told her he was here in his bed and told her that she needed to be in her bed. I found out when I got there later and spotted wet shoes that prior to ringing me she had been walking the streets at midnight looking for him! I did report this to both her GP and Social Services but they are obviously not that bothered. To be honest I dread my phone going and I dread going over every morning as I do not know what I will be walking into. Last time I spoke to her GP he mentioned that her hospital admission was due to delirium. She is forgetting a lot more and is finding it difficult to come up with the words she wants - she thinks she is 72 when she is actually 83 and I have also lost 20 years (I wish). On Saturday she told me how good her sofa has been as she has had it all her married life (about 60+ years) - the sofa was bought approximately 25 years ago and apparently she has only lived in her current house a short while (15 years).
As Social Services deemed her to have capacity I managed to get POA sorted (Solicitor sent it to OPG about five weeks ago) hopefully as things get worse that piece of paper will help me.
Bluntly I am struggling big time if it was just my mom I could cope but my youngest son is autistic and is currently school refusing so between the two of them I am being dragged in all directions. In an ideal world my mom would be settled in a care home where I could go and visit her as a daughter not the one who is having to remember her tablets, think of what to conjure up for lunch/tea, etc etc. Even what is supposed to be a simple task like collect a prescription takes an email, three phone calls and two visits to the chemist and even after all that I still only have half of the prescribed dementia tablets as the chemist is struggling to get stock.
@JHA This comes up here regularly. I doubt very much that your mum "has capacity". For a start capacity is determined for each decision. It is nonsense to say a person has or has not got capacity without a reference to the decision to be made. Secondly social workers have no more legal right to decide whether a person has capacity to make a decision than anyone else, other than a judge in court.
It this case the decision seems to be about what care at home she should receive and you are going to have to make that decision. You. Not social services, not the GP, not your mum. You. Because you're her attorney! You have every right to decide what is best for her. And you're organising it. It has often been said in this forum that a person's needs trump what they want and that is right, so I would urge you to take charge and insist she accepts carers, tell anyone who claims she has capacity to take a running junp, make sure if you can that your mum gets the care she needs.
It this case the decision seems to be about what care at home she should receive and you are going to have to make that decision. You. Not social services, not the GP, not your mum. You. Because you're her attorney! You have every right to decide what is best for her. And you're organising it. It has often been said in this forum that a person's needs trump what they want and that is right, so I would urge you to take charge and insist she accepts carers, tell anyone who claims she has capacity to take a running junp, make sure if you can that your mum gets the care she needs.
My mum is currently in an S2A bed being assessed. She has been there nearly 8 weeks. She also tells me she wants to go home each time I phone her but yet she tells the SW she wants to stay in the home. It breaks my heart each time I visit her. Unfortunately I have not accepted her condition and her deteriation over the last year or so. She has been away a while now and I don't even think she knows where home is anymore! I am very close to my mum so this has really affected me. I agree that there is very little support for families/carers. There needs to be more organisations that can help families of dementia patients that can guide, help and support you.
I feel for you and know how difficult this is.
My mom sounds like she is in a very similar situation to yours. She even says — I want to go home, wherever home is. I sometimes think personally when the PWD says they want to go home it means really that they miss you. I try to emphasise that she is in a safe place now, which she accepts (sometimes at least!). We also try to ensure there are some personal items around, such as her favourite blanket, scarves, and even as small as her toiletry brands and a subscription to the local paper, so she feels more settled. I also try to distract when she starts on the going home issue with favourite activities (a walk (even if it’s just a ride in the wheelchair inside), reading a book together, etc.).
Can’t agree with you more about support. I’m in Norway for the moment and can’t find any support for family members of dementia sufferers in my local area besides contact your GP and a class on dementia for 6 weeks. My parents live in the US so contacting a GP here is of little use. Thank goodness for this forum.
This book has also been recommended “Creating Moments of Joy”
The POA is still with the OPG at the moment I was led to believe that I cannot do anything until it comes back.
@JHA something will have to give, and sorry to say this, but it will have to be your mum. You can't carry on like this and your son needs you. If your mum was fully with it she would understand. Her capacity assessment is not permanent and will change. What would happen if you stepped back entirely? Are Social Services saying she could source her own medicine etc? If she is wandering it's only a matter of time, but this is almost the worst bit - when you know they are a dangerous to themselves but you can't get SS to realise.
On another note, if she is self funding you can find her a place in a home without social services being involved at all - even if just for respite - or as in many cases, respite which becomes permanent. The fact is she will never accept there is something wrong and is unlikely to willingly accept care. I thought of my dad going into a home as being really for me, for my peace of mind, and I worried I'd done it too early. But actually it was exactly the right time. He settled eventually and then declined, and it would have been a lot harder to get him into the home later on.
Hi JHA,
I think you are in an impossible situation. Your son obviously needs to come first and you must need all your energy to care for his needs.
It sounds a blessing that your mom was deemed to have the mental capacity to be able to get a POA sorted. At least when this comes through, you will be in control of her finances and be able to insist she has carers. ( I read in another post that the way someone else had got round their mum refusing to pay for carers, was to tell them it was funded and therefore free.)
Do you cook your mum's meals? If so, I would change to ready meals heated in the microwave. When my mum was supposed to be coming home weeks ago, I ordered meals from Wiltshire Farm Foods. They have lots of choice of frozen meals and I think they are reasonably priced. Delivery is free and you're able to give them directions for when they deliver. Eg: I asked them to put them in the freezer in my mum's shed.
Like you, I dread my phone going. My mum frequently rings from the Care Home, often quite angry asking me where she is etc and not liking my answers. If your mom is wandering the streets late at night, surely Social Services have to act on that as a safety issue.
I do hope your POA comes through very soon and that you can reinstate carers or make the decision to move your mom back into a Care Home. You need to think of your own mental and physical health and remember that you are doing the very best you can for your mum, but that you can't do the impossible.
