Hello everyone
My Mum has not been formally diagnosed (has been refusing to attend the memory clinic for over 4 years) but a home visit scored her low enough to indicate our concerns are valid.
December 2018 Mum said she wanted to move into a care home that she had previously stayed at full time. She felt lonely, was unsafe living by herself and suffered from a number of health issues (Triple A, glaucoma & macular degeneration, limited mobility due to arthritis, constant falls, unable to keep herself or the apartment clean, make a drink etc). We had tried carers for 8 months but, as they could only gain access via us and Mum thought they were too expensive for what they did, she cancelled them. Mum is a functioning alcoholic and we had almost bi-monthly trips to A&E. As a first post, I’m afraid this is a lot of rambling but I think it is important to have some background
My husband and I helped care for Dad, diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2005, moving closer when his state of mind really deteriorated in 2010. Although my siblings initially said they would spend a weekend alternate months to assist and give us a break, that never happened (sister lives around 2-3 hours away, brother closer to 5 hours).
My husband did all the practical supporting (shopping, hospital trips, day trips, DIY) and I did sorted their finance and paperwork whilst working full time. We also took them both on holiday.
Dad eventually had to move into a Care home at the end of 2011 and passed away late 2012. Mum was OK for around 12 months with daily visits, us doing shopping, cleaning etc but said she felt lonely and asked if we could move in together. Although we tried to encourage her to move into a retirement apartment (onsite support, restaurant, shops & company), she refused, saying it was too expensive.
As neither property was big enough (we rent after losing our home and all our savings in the 2007 financial crash when our business went bust, Mum owned) we managed to find a large apartment that we could afford to buy for us all to move into. Mum didn’t like it, so we found somewhere else and continued renting.
Mum’s drinking had by now become a real issue – that, plus her limited mobility, continual falls, failing eyesight etc meant we could not leave her alone for extended periods. Our youngest daughter was in hospital through most of 2014 into 2015 so we travelled from Yorkshire to London each Saturday to spend time with her, having arranged with neighbours to be on hand for Mum.
We lost our daughter in 2015. Later the same year, Mum announced that where we lived was too big and she wanted to move into a smaller place and thought her own flat was still too big. We had a family meeting with siblings and agreed that my husband and I would move into Mum’s flat and we would rent a smaller one next door. This also meant that, as my husband was in his late 60s, Mum’s flat had to be disregarded in any financial calculations.
Sibling visits happened occasionally but mainly we still provided all the support. I had a breakdown early 2019 and social services finally started to begin the process of assessing Mum’s request to move into care full time. Arguments with the LA regarding the property disregard were left to me to resolve.
Summer last year Mum suffered an internal bleed which required surgery (due to her brandy intake) and she was moved into the care home of her choice for respite which became permanent. Her instructions regarding the contents of the flat etc were discussed within the family and both siblings came to help (anything not wanted by a family member was to go to a charity shop).
Everything was fine for around 6 months. Mum had a room with outside space so she could just step out to smoke, she thought the staff were fantastic and both siblings pleased with the home (we have visited almost 30 over the years for Dad, respite for Mum and then a permanent placement). The charity I work for is about 5 minutes away so a couple of times a week I'd take lunch to eat with her and visit again each weekend, take shopping etc. One sibling would also visit & stay with us until they had a meltdown around 6 months ago
Over the last 6 months Mum has changed rooms 3 times, complained that I dumped her there, sold all her goods and she wants to come home. One of my siblings takes everything Mum says as gospel and has actually attacked me both physically and verbally. My other sibling is only interested in how any changes will affect their inheritance.
Mum is considered to have fluctuating capacity (one call will be full of abuse and we need to leave her flat, a follow up call 30 minutes later to say she can’t thank us enough for all we do). I’m in my 60s, my husband in his 70s and I just feel that, having put our lives on hold for 10 years, we need some peace.
We have another social services assessment next month and an advocate will be allocated to Mum. There is no Power of Attorney in place although I am on all paperwork as next of kin. The advocate is necessary as 2 siblings don’t feel Mum could live alone but the third does. At the very least, she is currently safe, well cared for and her alcohol intake can be regulated.
Has anyone else had to muddle through in such a way? Although I am terrified of becoming homeless at my age my concern (and that of the care staff) remains that Mum is incapable of looking after herself (even with drop on carers) and, if left alone, would drink herself to death within weeks. The balance between her human right to make her own decisions and that of ensuring her safety and well-being is so tricky. One sibling tells Mum she should sell the flat (that we live in) and move out of care but we will be the ones who then have to be there when she falls, needs company on the next trip to A&E . . .
Any suggestions? I have tried burying my head in the sand but found it clogged my ears
My Mum has not been formally diagnosed (has been refusing to attend the memory clinic for over 4 years) but a home visit scored her low enough to indicate our concerns are valid.
December 2018 Mum said she wanted to move into a care home that she had previously stayed at full time. She felt lonely, was unsafe living by herself and suffered from a number of health issues (Triple A, glaucoma & macular degeneration, limited mobility due to arthritis, constant falls, unable to keep herself or the apartment clean, make a drink etc). We had tried carers for 8 months but, as they could only gain access via us and Mum thought they were too expensive for what they did, she cancelled them. Mum is a functioning alcoholic and we had almost bi-monthly trips to A&E. As a first post, I’m afraid this is a lot of rambling but I think it is important to have some background
My husband and I helped care for Dad, diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2005, moving closer when his state of mind really deteriorated in 2010. Although my siblings initially said they would spend a weekend alternate months to assist and give us a break, that never happened (sister lives around 2-3 hours away, brother closer to 5 hours).
My husband did all the practical supporting (shopping, hospital trips, day trips, DIY) and I did sorted their finance and paperwork whilst working full time. We also took them both on holiday.
Dad eventually had to move into a Care home at the end of 2011 and passed away late 2012. Mum was OK for around 12 months with daily visits, us doing shopping, cleaning etc but said she felt lonely and asked if we could move in together. Although we tried to encourage her to move into a retirement apartment (onsite support, restaurant, shops & company), she refused, saying it was too expensive.
As neither property was big enough (we rent after losing our home and all our savings in the 2007 financial crash when our business went bust, Mum owned) we managed to find a large apartment that we could afford to buy for us all to move into. Mum didn’t like it, so we found somewhere else and continued renting.
Mum’s drinking had by now become a real issue – that, plus her limited mobility, continual falls, failing eyesight etc meant we could not leave her alone for extended periods. Our youngest daughter was in hospital through most of 2014 into 2015 so we travelled from Yorkshire to London each Saturday to spend time with her, having arranged with neighbours to be on hand for Mum.
We lost our daughter in 2015. Later the same year, Mum announced that where we lived was too big and she wanted to move into a smaller place and thought her own flat was still too big. We had a family meeting with siblings and agreed that my husband and I would move into Mum’s flat and we would rent a smaller one next door. This also meant that, as my husband was in his late 60s, Mum’s flat had to be disregarded in any financial calculations.
Sibling visits happened occasionally but mainly we still provided all the support. I had a breakdown early 2019 and social services finally started to begin the process of assessing Mum’s request to move into care full time. Arguments with the LA regarding the property disregard were left to me to resolve.
Summer last year Mum suffered an internal bleed which required surgery (due to her brandy intake) and she was moved into the care home of her choice for respite which became permanent. Her instructions regarding the contents of the flat etc were discussed within the family and both siblings came to help (anything not wanted by a family member was to go to a charity shop).
Everything was fine for around 6 months. Mum had a room with outside space so she could just step out to smoke, she thought the staff were fantastic and both siblings pleased with the home (we have visited almost 30 over the years for Dad, respite for Mum and then a permanent placement). The charity I work for is about 5 minutes away so a couple of times a week I'd take lunch to eat with her and visit again each weekend, take shopping etc. One sibling would also visit & stay with us until they had a meltdown around 6 months ago
Over the last 6 months Mum has changed rooms 3 times, complained that I dumped her there, sold all her goods and she wants to come home. One of my siblings takes everything Mum says as gospel and has actually attacked me both physically and verbally. My other sibling is only interested in how any changes will affect their inheritance.
Mum is considered to have fluctuating capacity (one call will be full of abuse and we need to leave her flat, a follow up call 30 minutes later to say she can’t thank us enough for all we do). I’m in my 60s, my husband in his 70s and I just feel that, having put our lives on hold for 10 years, we need some peace.
We have another social services assessment next month and an advocate will be allocated to Mum. There is no Power of Attorney in place although I am on all paperwork as next of kin. The advocate is necessary as 2 siblings don’t feel Mum could live alone but the third does. At the very least, she is currently safe, well cared for and her alcohol intake can be regulated.
Has anyone else had to muddle through in such a way? Although I am terrified of becoming homeless at my age my concern (and that of the care staff) remains that Mum is incapable of looking after herself (even with drop on carers) and, if left alone, would drink herself to death within weeks. The balance between her human right to make her own decisions and that of ensuring her safety and well-being is so tricky. One sibling tells Mum she should sell the flat (that we live in) and move out of care but we will be the ones who then have to be there when she falls, needs company on the next trip to A&E . . .
Any suggestions? I have tried burying my head in the sand but found it clogged my ears