Hi I am posting this because I am confused. I looked after my Mum for 30 years after losing my Dad to a sudden heart attack. The last 6 years she had demenita, 3 years of which I looked after her in her own home going round serveral times a week the best I could and the last 3 years because of other complications in her health in a care home. I still visited her several times a week in the evenings and always either took her out on saturday or this last few months sat with her. I still work fulltime but would do it all again in a heartbeat. She passed away peacefully last sunday week with all her children round her. It was beyond words but so grateful to be there with her, she looked at me with no fear or pain at the last she was so tired and just slipped away. When I got home I sat on my front doorstep and wept my heart out but since then apart from a few tears now and then I have felt a strange calmness. I expected to be completely distraught for days or weeks and although life is strange at the moment that has not happened and I almost feel guilty. Has anyone else felt like this, I could not have wished her to suffer anymore at the end but dont understand my feelings now. This is a very seflish post because its about me so I hope fellow members understand.
Mum passed away
- Thread starter Burberry
- Start date
My sincere condolences to you Burberry on the loss of your mum. I am sure the feelings you are experiencing at this time are completely normal. When we have cared for someone with dementia for so long it is just so distressing to watch them deteriorate so quickly and I feel that going through each stage with my mum has to me felt already like a bereavement as she is not my lovely mum any more and we are just waiting for the inevitable to happen and just trying to make life as happy and as content as I can for her. It tears me apart to see her struggling through her life now and would just like her to go peacefully without any more distress or discomfort in her 90 year life. I have shed so many tears these last few years for her that I think that when her time comes to go I will feel somewhat relieved that she is not suffering any more. Nothing can prepare us for the loss of a parent but I suppose in a way we do have time to grieve through each stage of the illness so the shock is not quite so distressing as a sudden death ( if that makes sense). I, too cared solely for my mum for 2 years but on reaching carers breakdown had to get help to look after her in a care home where I know she is safe and being well cared for. Try and remember all the happy times you shared as a family and keep her memory alive. Please do not feel guilty for feeling the calmness you are experiencing you did everything you possibly could to give your mum the care she needed and I am sure she knew what a wonderful daughter you were.
Mum
Thank you so much for your kind words they make perfect sense and yes like you I have often wept for her and for me you feel so helpless at times but I suppose you grieve for them as you try and care for them throught each stage of this dreadful illness. I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing you care and love her so much and are not alone.
Thank you so much for your kind words they make perfect sense and yes like you I have often wept for her and for me you feel so helpless at times but I suppose you grieve for them as you try and care for them throught each stage of this dreadful illness. I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing you care and love her so much and are not alone.
My condolences also, Burberry. Dementia brings so much loss with it, and so much grieving through the years of watching our loved ones suffering and slipping away so gradually. Everyone is different, and everyone goes through the final bereavement and grieving differently. It's no time at all since your mum died. While you may find that you simply have reached that stage of acceptance, you might also find that, at some point, something small will trigger a memory of your mum, and set off a wave of unexpected grief.
Mum
Thank you for posting you are right we never know the impact of such things will have on us and oddly after a few hours of my post yesterday I sat at my desk and suddenly found tears in my eyes and that almost physical blow of loss. So I think you are right it will be those moments that I grieve. Thank you again for taking time to respond.
Thank you for posting you are right we never know the impact of such things will have on us and oddly after a few hours of my post yesterday I sat at my desk and suddenly found tears in my eyes and that almost physical blow of loss. So I think you are right it will be those moments that I grieve. Thank you again for taking time to respond.
Hi Burberry and welcome to Talking point. I hope you feel able to talk about anything and everything you want to here.
I am very sorry for the loss of you dear mum. There is no right and wrong when it comes to grieving - whatever seems right at the time is right for you. Although there are documented 'stages' of grief, people seldom experience them in a nice, tidy sequence. It is common to swing between acceptance, anger, distress etc (sometimes all in one day!) so I would say that what you are experiencing is absolutely 'normal'.
Please look after yourself now with the same loving care that you gave your mum.
I am very sorry for the loss of you dear mum. There is no right and wrong when it comes to grieving - whatever seems right at the time is right for you. Although there are documented 'stages' of grief, people seldom experience them in a nice, tidy sequence. It is common to swing between acceptance, anger, distress etc (sometimes all in one day!) so I would say that what you are experiencing is absolutely 'normal'.
Please look after yourself now with the same loving care that you gave your mum.
Sincere condolences Burberry. Accept whatever calmness you experiences because as you say grief will hit you too and at times it can be overwhelming. Keep posting because people on TP will always respond and help.
Sending you blessings and strength.
Aisling xx
Hi All
Posting again after losing my Mum last June. Has anyone out there experienced a physical reponse to losing a loved one after caring for them for many years. Since I have lost Mum I have picked up every cold etc going round, when I was caring for her I was rarely ill never had a cold but now I pick up everything. I still miss her so much and sometimes cannot get to grips with her not being here. I felt almost numb on Mothers day, I dont cry much now and I carry on as normal. I feel guilty I suppose that I carry on if that makes sense to anyone. KInd Regards to all.
Posting again after losing my Mum last June. Has anyone out there experienced a physical reponse to losing a loved one after caring for them for many years. Since I have lost Mum I have picked up every cold etc going round, when I was caring for her I was rarely ill never had a cold but now I pick up everything. I still miss her so much and sometimes cannot get to grips with her not being here. I felt almost numb on Mothers day, I dont cry much now and I carry on as normal. I feel guilty I suppose that I carry on if that makes sense to anyone. KInd Regards to all.
So sorry for your loss , I have posted on here today about my loss and how I feel. I think grief and loss take effect on body and mind and physical ailments are part of it and hopefully will pass for you x
Hello Molly6
Thank you for your reply, it helps to know there are kind souls such as yourself that understand. It does not matter how old your loved one is the loss is still devastating. I can understand totally about the loneiness you feel, there were many times caring for Mum when i felt it was just us two against the world and that leaves a huge hole in your life. When I need Mum and Dad I try and imagine them standing just behind me their hands on my shoulders, they will always catch me before I fall. Take Care x
Thank you for your reply, it helps to know there are kind souls such as yourself that understand. It does not matter how old your loved one is the loss is still devastating. I can understand totally about the loneiness you feel, there were many times caring for Mum when i felt it was just us two against the world and that leaves a huge hole in your life. When I need Mum and Dad I try and imagine them standing just behind me their hands on my shoulders, they will always catch me before I fall. Take Care x
my hubby passed away a year ago.but I can remember a few days later I felt really calm I even said so to the family,was it because he no longer had to suffer, and was at peace,I dont know and dont suppose I ever will but it left me feeling good and helped me to do all the things that was needed
Hi I am so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found peace and strength to do what you had to and to carry on. I think there is a sense of calm that your loved is no longer suffering. As much as I loved my Mum I could not wish her back to what she went through. Take care.
first of all sorry to hear about your mother,it sounds a lot like my life,i to lost my dad to a sudden heart attack 33 years ago and became very protective to mum and looked after her for 10 years with dementia balancing everything with work,i look back and wonder how i managed,as for the grief theres no right or wrong way i do know what you mean about the calmness it came over me on the day of the funeral,what works with me is just to live day to day ,also a friend who was going through the same thing told me to talk to mum like she was here i find this works ,guess neighbours must think im nuts sometime! just find something that works for you whatever that is
