My mum lives in a care home. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year and had two strokes since which left her unable to walk or take care of herself. Every time when I visit her she is asking me to take her home and every time I have to explain to her that she can't as she would require care around the clock and we can't afford it...She is completely unaware of all her multiple medical problems. Sometimes she gets very angry at me and argumentative about this, and I feel awful. This breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty and frustrated, to the the point that I feel I can't visit her anymore. And I am her only daughter. I don't know how to deal with this anymore... I don't know what to say to her anymore...Any advice?
Mum keeps asking to go home
- Thread starter mumhasdementia
- Start date
Hello and welcome @mumhasdementia, I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.
A couple of things may be going on here. Sometimes when a person with dementia talks of home it is more the feeling of security they had at home that is being sought so reassurance or even something to help anxiety may help. Apart from that it is sometimes true that a visiting relative sees a different person to the one seen by the staff at the Home. It may be worth talking to the staff to see how settled your mum is when you aren't there as visiting less often until the person settles can be of benefit.
On a general note about communication there is a useful thread that can be found by clicking the following link and that will reveal some useful tips for you. I hope it helps
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
A couple of things may be going on here. Sometimes when a person with dementia talks of home it is more the feeling of security they had at home that is being sought so reassurance or even something to help anxiety may help. Apart from that it is sometimes true that a visiting relative sees a different person to the one seen by the staff at the Home. It may be worth talking to the staff to see how settled your mum is when you aren't there as visiting less often until the person settles can be of benefit.
On a general note about communication there is a useful thread that can be found by clicking the following link and that will reveal some useful tips for you. I hope it helps
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Hi @mumhasdementia , and welcome to Talking Point. @karaokePete has given some good advice.
If your mum asks to go home, it might be worth employing what we call 'love lies' round here. So rather than telling her she can't come home because of her disabilities make it impossible say something along the lines of 'Yes, of course, but at the moment the doctors want you to stay here a little longer.' Then change the subject to something more general or distract with a drink or a programme on TV. Just keep repeating variations on the theme. I know it feels awful lying, but your mum doesn't understand that she requires twenty four hour care.
If your mum asks to go home, it might be worth employing what we call 'love lies' round here. So rather than telling her she can't come home because of her disabilities make it impossible say something along the lines of 'Yes, of course, but at the moment the doctors want you to stay here a little longer.' Then change the subject to something more general or distract with a drink or a programme on TV. Just keep repeating variations on the theme. I know it feels awful lying, but your mum doesn't understand that she requires twenty four hour care.
Welcome to the forum from me too @mumhasdementia you'll find lots of advice and support here. As karaokePete has posted, asking to go home is likely to be a place/time where the person felt 'safe', not necessarily their last home, sometimes to a childhood home. The compassionate communication thread has some useful suggestions which may help. When my mum was asking to go home it was a phase that didn't last very long but saying something like 'maybe tomorrow if the weather's better' or 'it's a bit late now, it will be dark soon' and trying a distraction usually worked. It's hard at the moment due to the visiting restrictions/infection control in care homes but maybe you could suggest a cup of tea, or something else that might distract - perhaps enlist one of the carers to get your mum a drink or a biscuit if she starts asking to go home? I've started taking a book in when visiting mum and I read her some short stories or poems and it helps to give the visit more of a focus rather than just me sitting there trying to think of things to say.
Has your mum been in the home long? If not then it can take some time to settle in to the new surroundings/routines and that may be making your mum anxious. Also, those with dementia pick up very easily on how others are feelings. If I feel stressed/anxious my mum feels the same as she really picks up on my emotions, speech and body language. As hard as it may feel sometimes, I always go to the visits with a big smile on my face and say positive things like how lovely she looks, how nice the home is etc and it really seems to help, so maybe worth a try with your mum.
Has your mum been in the home long? If not then it can take some time to settle in to the new surroundings/routines and that may be making your mum anxious. Also, those with dementia pick up very easily on how others are feelings. If I feel stressed/anxious my mum feels the same as she really picks up on my emotions, speech and body language. As hard as it may feel sometimes, I always go to the visits with a big smile on my face and say positive things like how lovely she looks, how nice the home is etc and it really seems to help, so maybe worth a try with your mum.
Thank you so much for your sugestions. I was afraid that I will have to start using more 'white lies' to calm her...it feels so wrong to lie to your mum.
karaokePete, the link was very useful, thank you
karaokePete, the link was very useful, thank you
Yes it does, but when the truth does not help because they cannot understand it, but still need ressurances, then love lies are the only way to meet this need. It is actually a bona fide way of treating people with dementia and is often called "therapeutic untruths" if you find that concept easier.
