Mum is adamant she doesn't want carers anymore. What do I do?

[Gee7]

Hi all and thanks in advance for your help and feedback. My Mum had a fall last summer which precipitated her decent into dementia, probably vascular and leading to Alzheimers. She is currently in better physical health then she has been since the accident, which of course is good and great to see! But with this upswing is a determination and drive to get back to how she was before. But there is no doubt she has dementia and would not be able to manage her medication and maybe her meals. Now she is adamant that she doesn't want or need carers. She is very single minded and as a single mum to me has always been very active and independent. Of course any conversation I have with her, or understanding that come to, is redundant as she will soon forget. But I'm just not sure what to do. I feel so lost and stressed. I wonder what anyone can suggest.

 

[SherwoodSue]

That’s an interesting idea. You don’t need carers. Let’s discuss that next week.

Yes. When you are fully recovered. Keep saying yes but fail to ‘put legs’ on their wishes.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mother in law was like this. She was self funding and we had lasting power of attorney for finances. My husband just organised carers whether she liked it or not . A carer started first in the morning getting her tea and prompting medication. Gradually we increased this to preparing lunch then an afternoon visit. He told her the carers were there for training and she was to report back to him what they were like. He told her they were free and everyone over a certain age got this. Obviously the agency were on board with this . If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever

 

[SherwoodSue]

My mother in law was like this. She was self funding and we had lasting power of attorney for finances. My husband just organised carers whether she liked it or not . A carer started first in the morning getting her tea and prompting medication. Gradually we increased this to preparing lunch then an afternoon visit. He told her the carers were there for training and she was to report back to him what they were like. He told her they were free and everyone over a certain age got this. Obviously the agency were on board with this . If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever

I love this. I find the loving fibs the hardest bits. I think you have done so well.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I love this. I find the loving fibs the hardest bits. I think you have done so well.

Obviously depends whether the person with dementia is going to believe it. We had had years of lying to my mother in law for our own sanity, so it came naturally to us

 

[sue31]

My mother in law was like this. She was self funding and we had lasting power of attorney for finances. My husband just organised carers whether she liked it or not . A carer started first in the morning getting her tea and prompting medication. Gradually we increased this to preparing lunch then an afternoon visit. He told her the carers were there for training and she was to report back to him what they were like. He told her they were free and everyone over a certain age got this. Obviously the agency were on board with this . If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever

We did the same, sad as it is you have to bend the truth for your own sanity. Mums carers were really good at playing along.

 

[Gee7]

That’s an interesting idea. You don’t need carers. Let’s discuss that next week.

Yes. When you are fully recovered. Keep saying yes but fail to ‘put legs’ on their wishes.

Yeah - I get that, thank you.

 

[Gee7]

My mother in law was like this. She was self funding and we had lasting power of attorney for finances. My husband just organised carers whether she liked it or not . A carer started first in the morning getting her tea and prompting medication. Gradually we increased this to preparing lunch then an afternoon visit. He told her the carers were there for training and she was to report back to him what they were like. He told her they were free and everyone over a certain age got this. Obviously the agency were on board with this . If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever

Thank you. Tough love I guess

 

[Gee7]

Thanks all - I'm learning. With a heavy heart.

 

[Agzy]

Hi all and thanks in advance for your help and feedback. My Mum had a fall last summer which precipitated her decent into dementia, probably vascular and leading to Alzheimers. She is currently in better physical health then she has been since the accident, which of course is good and great to see! But with this upswing is a determination and drive to get back to how she was before. But there is no doubt she has dementia and would not be able to manage her medication and maybe her meals. Now she is adamant that she doesn't want or need carers. She is very single minded and as a single mum to me has always been very active and independent. Of course any conversation I have with her, or understanding that come to, is redundant as she will soon forget. But I'm just not sure what to do. I feel so lost and stressed. I wonder what anyone can suggest.

You can always try blaming the doctors as it is them insisting that carers are used even if not needed

 

[Gee7]

You can always try blaming the doctors as it is them insisting that carers are used even if not needed

Lot's of good ideas here - thank you!

 

[Honeymonster]

So this was my situation to a T - I knew she had dementia and she wouldn't accept it and lets face it, its a hard discussion to have.

So you mention Alzheimer's but has she had an official diagnosis, if so and the local authority already has her on the radar then speak with them . Its difficult without knowing how far down the path she is. But ultimately its deemed that she has mental capacity to make her own decisions until you can prove otherwise but she needs to cooperate in getting the diagnosis, which of course she won't, unless that is already official?

The first thing you need to do is to get Powers of Attorney for Finances and welfare before she is diagnosed as having lost her mental capacity, you can still do this int he early stages if she is willing.

In my family, she didn't want the carers, she wouldn't move and kept turning them away so the local authority took some of the funding away....and then with no-one to help her, she had a bad fall,,, ended up in hospital and they declared she had lost her mental capacity (which we had been saying and no-one had been listening to) and needed to go into a dementia care home (much abbreviated tale there), but it wasn't how we wanted this to happen, she was just adamant she didn't need the help.

And the truth be told, when she went into the care home, to hear her talk it was like a Victorian melodrama where we had her institutionalised in the local insane asylum!

Big hugs, I remember how unsettling this all was.

 

[sjw2004]

Gosh it is so hard.
Memory clinic suggested carers for my mum. Mum was not keen but agreed to try it to help me. She goes through phases of letting them in other times she refuses and tells them she's lying down because she doesn't feel well.
Carers have been asked to.
Chat to mum
Make her a drink
Make sure her phone and TV remote and door keys are to hand.(She hides them up stairs )
Encourage her to take her tablets .
If possible heat her up a meal
Some of the carers are good at this.
If she won't let them in some will say let me just check your medication and then I will go. Once in they do other jobs to.
She rarely agrees to them cooking a meal. She believes she has to do them one.
Mum will sit and look at a puzzle most of the time they are there. Occasionally she will talk to them.
She often phones me whilst they are there to ask me why I keep sending these people. She gets very irate. She does not believe she needs help as there's nothing wrong. I often have to say we will talk about it later to let her off phone. At the time I am very upset but within 20 minutes she has completely forgotten that anyone's been. The carers have been going for 18 months but if you ask mum she says no one comes.
It's so hard just remember it's for her youre going it .