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mum in nursing home, thinks she is going home soon, guilt about selling house - help!

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by ferniegirl, May 31, 2015.

  1. ferniegirl

    ferniegirl Registered User

    May 10, 2015
    54
    Surrey, UK
    Hi everyone. I really need some advice. My mother is 90 but only recently been diagnosed with the fronto-temporal type of Alzheimer's. She has always had a difficult personality and my siblings and I think she may have had this for years without anyone knowing. She has been in a nursing home (my father is in there too - he is 99!) for three months now but she went there on doctors advice after contracting shingles to convalesce. As far as she is concerned, she is going home and this is only temporary. The dementia diagnosis came after a brain scan and tests by a consultant geriatrician. The illness seems to be accelerating quite fast and it is obvious now she is quite unable to look after herself and dad. Now we know for definite she cannot go home we are having to think about their assets. We have Power of Attorney. There is enough money to pay for both of them for a while but we need to think about selling the house as we will need the money for their care and it is a liability standing empty as they have some nice possessions.

    The trouble is, I feel terrible! Mum constantly goes on about going home, even packs her bags and presses clothes and toiletries into my hands to take. She looks out the window constantly for my brothers car to 'take her home'. My dad knows she has dementia and has accepted they can't go home but she has no idea. She has no insight into the state she is in. She is frail, shaky and her memory is going fast.

    My instinct is to wait a while before selling but that doesn't make sense as they are never returning! If we bring some of her possessions to the home she will wonder what on earth we are doing and will kick off. The home staff have said not to tell her she has dementia. So what do we do? How have others managed this situation? Would be grateful for any support, thank you.
     
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Love lies.....

    ''Yes when you are better, the Dr wants you to stay here until you are better''
     
  3. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    171
    Yorkshire
    Many, many, of us have been in this situation. Thank goodness that Dad is accepting.
    Make sure that you hide your cars around the corner if possible. I would advise very short visits and make sure you have an exit strategy, got to get a meal on now, do shopping etc. Keep telling yourself that you have done the very best for her. There is no other option when dealing with this horrible disease, she is in expert hands and is safe and having her needs met. The Doctor says seems to be the one that is the most hard for them to challenge. Try to bear in mind the good life they have had. We used to feel that Mum's only 'crime' was living a long time, but I know what you mean about difficult personalities, none of us is entitled to good life, but our Mum always acted that way!
     
  4. Ranth

    Ranth Registered User

    May 31, 2015
    2
    white lies are a must

    I am is similar circumstances and know how hard it is to hear the request to go home-the pain is physical. I agree with the person who responded to you, white lies are the way to go, the responsibility is then shouldered by ourselves privately but as far as our parents are concerned the blame lies with the GPs.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,337
    Female
    South coast
    #5 canary, May 31, 2015
    Last edited: May 31, 2015
    I had the same with mum. She went into a care home following a TIA and I told her she was convalescing. This convalescing went on for a while ;), but now she has accepted the CH as her own home and very rarely asks to go home.

    Indecently - it might be interesting to find out about the home she wants to go back to. You may well find that its not the house you are planning to sell. Quite often the desire to "go home" is a desire to go back to a time and place when they didnt feel so confused and frightened.
     
  6. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Ferniegirl - how I feel for you with both parents in a care situation. My husband's wanting to "go home" was always about his childhood home in London - seemingly never back to our home here. He used to say "come on girl let's go" over and over again. I am afraid to say I lied - waiting for the Doctor, waiting for lunch, waiting, waiting - always for something or the other. When I left him each day I felt like a criminal for not taking him with me but when I was able to take him out in a wheelchair or the car he still was always wanting to "go home" - then it was back to the security of the NH and he would greet the carers like long-lost friends Couldn't win!
    Hope your Mother settles soon - can't help you over the house - one of life's miserable decisions I'm afraid. Thinking of you WIFE
     
  7. balloo

    balloo Registered User

    Sep 21, 2013
    227
    northamptonshire
    suggest you put on market as my MIL took 8 months to sell and my mothers 9 months
    and had to drop price to 40 K less
     
  8. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Hi Fernigirl. Yes been there worn the jacket. Mu Mum had no home to sell, but had to move her for her own safety. She was in denial, theres nothing wrong. I moved her into a semi-secure unit, near the sheltered scheme she was living in (I live on 5mins away) without her permission. A carer took her out one morning and within 2hrs some of ther furniture, clothes were moved out and into the new self-contained flat within the unit. She denied anything was hers, was most indignant with me, Carers very supported I was more of a mess than she was. Next day, with her coat on waiting by the main door, a lovely smilie greeting, then "can you get the man with a van to take me home" - sorry Mum he is busy today, I`ll try tomorrow --and so this continued for about 10days, then eventually she said "Well if Heather wants me to live her so be it" Four weeks later the diagnosis was made -cardio vascular mixed dementia SEVERE!!, then 12 months later had to move her again to a secure dementia unit. Yes it was the most horible day of my life, but she was in denial, I couldn`t reason with her. As her only child it was a great burden/decision to make, but my own family were very supportive. I had to make her safe. Yes white lies will be useful, but for the right reasons.
    I know I couldn`t have coped with her as the dementia progressed, so it was inevitable that she would have to be moved, but I chose to move her when I did, because she was very vulnerable. Mum passed away on Mothers Day this year, I have no regrets, I did what I had to do. Visiting her daily I oversaw her care and dealt with the gradual "goodbye" to my real Mum coming through as we always do, much stronger.
    I wish you well, but make the decision "What`s best for Mum & Dad" are they safe, they are cared for over the 24hr watchful eye from carers etc then as a family make your decisions when you are all ready to do so. Perhaps its too soon yet.
    Take care
    Heather x
     
  9. ferniegirl

    ferniegirl Registered User

    May 10, 2015
    54
    Surrey, UK
    Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it. Yes it is very hard having both parents in the home, I can't quite believe it has happened. And yes, we are blaming the doctor rather a lot! "Well you can't go home until the doctor has said so" and mum seems to accept this but not for long, it all starts up again next time we see her. Went to the home yesterday to celebrate dad's birthday with the family. He is quite happy but mum just went on and on about how unhappy she was, how much she hated it there; they served pink champagne for dad and mum said how horrible it was, on and on, all while dad was trying to open his presents! I think she brings him down a lot and she controls him in that she doesn't like him speaking to the other residents. She says a lot of things that don't make sense but then she has periods of being quite lucid and I find myself thinking "is there any way she could go home?" She stood at the door and cried when we left. It's horrible. I can't shake the feeling that constantly humouring her is wrong and that we should tell her she has dementia and that is the reason she can't go home but of course she would never accept that there was anything wrong with her so there is absolutely no point. She thinks she is still just recovering from shingles. I think we are going to get the house valued and it needs a bit of work so we are going to make a start with that before putting it on the market and I am just going to have to get used to feeling awful.

    Thanks again all of you.
     
  10. Muff

    Muff Registered User

    Apr 19, 2015
    8
    i sold my parents house.

    After my Mum died suddenly and my Dad has Alzheimers I had to sort out and sell their house to pay for care. It was such a hard task coping with everything all at once. At the beginning I tried to talk to Dad about everything that I was doing as I felt I was taking everything away from him. Over the last 18 months things have got harder and now say what I need to for the best. I just tell him dont worry I will sort things out for you. He always says thank you. I have to keep telling myself that I am doing things for his best interests and only want the best for him. This now is the only way. I am lucky that my Dad has been very co-operative and for that I am very grateful. Good luck with your next steps.QUOTE=ferniegirl;1108267]Hi everyone. I really need some advice. My mother is 90 but only recently been diagnosed with the fronto-temporal type of Alzheimer's. She has always had a difficult personality and my siblings and I think she may have had this for years without anyone knowing. She has been in a nursing home (my father is in there too - he is 99!) for three months now but she went there on doctors advice after contracting shingles to convalesce. As far as she is concerned, she is going home and this is only temporary. The dementia diagnosis came after a brain scan and tests by a consultant geriatrician. The illness seems to be accelerating quite fast and it is obvious now she is quite unable to look after herself and dad. Now we know for definite she cannot go home we are having to think about their assets. We have Power of Attorney. There is enough money to pay for both of them for a while but we need to think about selling the house as we will need the money for their care and it is a liability standing empty as they have some nice possessions.

    The trouble is, I feel terrible! Mum constantly goes on about going home, even packs her bags and presses clothes and toiletries into my hands to take. She looks out the window constantly for my brothers car to 'take her home'. My dad knows she has dementia and has accepted they can't go home but she has no idea. She has no insight into the state she is in. She is frail, shaky and her memory is going fast.

    My instinct is to wait a while before selling but that doesn't make sense as they are never returning! If we bring some of her possessions to the home she will wonder what on earth we are doing and will kick off. The home staff have said not to tell her she has dementia. So what do we do? How have others managed this situation? Would be grateful for any support, thank you.[/QUOTE]
     

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