Mum has dementia but its her partner driving me insane !

[canary]

She bought this bungalow approx 10 years ago ?

As its quite recent there are probably no paper deeds. I think you will need to check with the land registry on ownership.

My mum had paper deeds when I sold her bungalow, but she had bought it about 30 years previously and that was 6 years ago. After the bungalow was sold the paper deeds were sent to the land registry and would have been shredded.

 

[Lynmax]

She bought this bungalow approx 10 years ago ?

I bought my house ten years ago and do not have the deeds, just a letter from my solicitor what the current system is ie a central registration data base.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Just go to the Land Registry web site and you can look up the house owership registration there.

 

[Maria37]

Thank you for all your advice.
Does the list of things to do get easier ?

 

[Maria37]

So fast forward two months.
Mum been home from respite for two months now. I admit defeat. Everyone on here knows the emotional rollercoaster it is to arrive at this decision but I can no provide the care mum needs, even at my best I can't keep her as healthy and happy as she was in respite. Yes she asked ten times a day where she was, why was she there, when could she come home. However the pros of being in care far out weigh things mum will hopefully forget.
I have spoke to family, 4 out of 6 agree with me. Brother who has power of attorney in my team!
We have just today reached this decision, mum knows nothing of this yet, I plan to tell her her bungalow has had a leak, then there will be a long damp repair to mend or gods knows what excuse I'll use to keep her happy .
So can anyone please advise me on where I start ?
Do I speak to her doctor first ?
Do I speak to her social worker from the rehabilitation centre she left 2 months ago ? Mum owns her own bungalow, her partner been staying there since covid and if we could then we'd have left him there with the 1 Brother who is on his team. How do the finances of a home work ? Mum gets benefits.
How does this process work, how long does it all take ?

 

[canary]

Mum owns her own bungalow, her partner been staying there since covid and if we could then we'd have left him there with the 1 Brother who is on his team. How do the finances of a home work ? Mum gets benefits.
How does this process work, how long does it all take ?

If your mum would be self-funded, you can just go ahead with moving her into a care home.
If your mum would require Local Authority funding, though, then you would need to get Social Services agreement that she needs to be in a care home.

The sticking point is likely to be the status of her bungalow, which her partner is living in. People who are self-funding usually have a property to sell which will cover the fees, but if there is a spouse, or family member who is over 60 years old and/or disabled, then the house is disregarded in any financial assessment all the while they are living there. Without the funds from selling her property, your mum sounds as though she would certainly require Local Authority funding. I dont know whether the Local Authority would disregard her property or not as it is a partner and not a spouse/family member who would be living there.

I would recommend that you contact the Financial Department of your local Social Services to ask them whether her property would be disregarded and this will tell you which direction you would have to go,

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

The problem might be whether your mum is compliant. You can certainly move her to a home yourself if self-funding and try to keep her there with excuses of repairs on the house - a good plan! But if she wants to go home, they can't keep her there against her will unless SS have decided she lacks capacity. (The home would have to obtain a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding Order to keep her locked in.)

It may well be that if SS are funding and she says she wants to go home, they will allow her to go back, with a carer package in place. If her partner says, 'It's fine, I can look after her,' they will believe him.

I'm also not sure if you can legally chuck him out of his home of 10 years and change the locks. There's also the question of finance. Assuming she has no savings (just the house) then SS would fund her care, whilst her partner is living in the house... unless they decide a partner doesn't count as a spouse, then they'd force him to move out. But I think that's unlikely and he would remain there. If he goes, care at home would still be funded by SS but if she then moves into care, her house will be empty. You would then have to sell it and she would become self funding till her assets dropped below £23,500.

So there's a lot to consider.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Just to add, has your mum made a will? Has she left the house to you and your siblings or to him? That could complicate things further...

 

[Maria37]

Thank you all do much.
Yes she has made a will, the bungalow was to be left to 1 brother as we all own our own home apart from him, hes not well him self. He lives in a council bungalow, but we all agreed that expecting mum to go first her partner would remain there, then eventually it would go to said brother.
Mum has savings of less than 5000 .
Could my brother not give up his xouncil bungalow in order to move in to mums, thus freeing up much needed homes for others in need ?
Mums partner owns his own home, the years with mum he has never officially lived at mums. His own property has stairs and the WC is upstairs, his own health dire and there is no posstble way of him living in anything other than a property on 1 levell. Over the years if he needed to prove he had to move in during covid as he had to remain in our bubble, mums and his own health have deteriorated dur8ng this time but within that time i know he has little things like his mobile linked up to mums talk talk at that address which i know he pays through his direct debit. There may be other minor things he may have contributed to, i dont know. Him and above said brother are unaware of plans at mo ad they will disagree . They are not my concern at present , my other brothers can deal with them, i honestly cant take the stress they add.
No, mum would not agree to go in a home, however mum thinks she used to be s football player and thinkd its 1998 today. She also still has some very lucid moments to.
She cant walk unaided but refuses sometimes to use zimmer the mostly forgets its there, she is now so stooped a fall is imminent.
She refuses personal care, and strives to keep her dignity and independance, and she can turn in a second if i even mention the word shower.
She spent 5 weeks in a rehabilitation unit 2 months ago . A carer wad put in place half hour each day, her partner was wanting to stop this , he hates anyone being there , i believe he himself may have impending mental problems.
Thank you all who take the time to read and respond.
Much appreciated.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It's all very tricky. (You don't need me to tell you that!) The thing is, you can't move your mum to a care home unless 1) she agrees or 2) she is deemed by SS to lack capacity. If your mum were to say to the SW, 'I want to stay in my home because I'm a football player and I've got a match on Saturday!' the SW will hear the first bit and ignore the second bit. Madness, I know, but that's how it works. Unless there are real safeguarding issues at home, SS will support your mum to stay there.

So you may have to go through the process of getting her assessed, having SS put in a care package, your mum and/or her partner refusing to engage and the package subsequently failing, or Something Bad happening. Then the care home option may be available.

I think what you probably want is for your mum's partner to move out (or preferably just vanish) and for your mum to be accepting of care at home. All of which I completely understand... but I'm not sure if you can make that happen.

 

[Maria37]

Thank you.
One of the requirements of them letting mum home was that they implemented mum would have someone other than her partner there at all times.
Over the last two months her partner has made it pretty unbearable for people to visit.
I will happily hold my hand up and say, I gave up my job to cate for mum, I get the very insulting 69 carers allowance but its getting harder and harder to spend time in the environment.
My sister in law and I going to hijack her on Sunday, take her for a nice day out which includes visiting my brothers down stairs shower, she is to lathered like it or not.
Regarding my mums partner, if mum doesn't have to sell we are all happy for him to stay, for many many years he has been good for mum, and she has been even better for him. He's been a kinda surrogate grandad to my two growing up , im emotionally tied to also wanting what's best for him, but obviously his needs fail into insignificance especially as these last 12 months or so he has been a bloody nightmare and mum fares better and is happier and healthier in spirit and mind when she is not around him.
At present just knowing I have to go spend my time at my mums with him there ( he never goes out) fills me with dread.
I have autism/adhd and at 53 to my detriment I have learned I have to keep check on my own mental well being.
I'm not looking for sympathy here I'm honestly not, but I had a blur of a few weeks a while back, I was stood in Liverpool cathedral applauding my son as he gained his masters and as the tears rolled down my cheek, my sons girlfriend smiled at what she thought were tears of pride.
That day it took my every bit of strength I had to get there, and the tears were for myself, I at that moment honestly didn't want to participate in life anymore, in any capacity.
Her partner hasn't just worn me down, he's run over me and reversed. People may question my loyalty, I guess its an aspire thing, we do tend to be ridiculously loyal. ?
My intention now is to spend next 48 hrs reading and finding out as much information as possible then ring mums sw who is attached in the rehab unit she was in and speak to her doctor as she is in constant pain. I've just taken her to a/e other night, was crying in pain, she's proper bunged up, once these drinks kick in over next day or so I just know that although she is not incontinent, she simply won't make it, her mobility isn't going to be quick enough. Hence the hijacking Sunday.
Cos so insisted her gas cooker be capped, we intended to get a new little kitchen with new safer electric cooker.
We got an air fryer, slow cooker, steamer, new microwave and toaster. With all these tools anything can be made, but he insists he can take care of mum all by himself, he can't look after himself . So he can't look after mum, for 2 months he's made it unbearable to care for mum, im hanging by a thread some days and there is no other option than put him and his needs aside, get mum the care she needs and deserves.

 

[Maria37]

There have been many occasions where mum has been so uncomfortable and in so much pain that I have considered ringing an ambulance, but then her morphine will kick in , it'll ease enough for her to sleep, but then once she's up she is like a yo yo, folding clothes seems to be her thing, moving them from one room to the othe. If you're not there she will try walk everywhere with no support, she tidies her zimmer away, forgets it and hates it, then she loves it.... she's so stooped over a fall is imminent. She has bed alarm under new mattress if she doesn't return in twenty minutes, if there is a gap of me having to leave before the next person gets and she had a fall in that time, he would probably be asleep in the chair , half deaf and unable to assist other than ring an ambulance, he's morbidly obese.
Surely if I say I am unable to care for mum any longer and they already know her partner deemed unfit to care, surely any doctor can see and mum is entirely unable to look after herself or make her own decisions when it comes to safety?
Am I being nieve?