Mum has dementia and my dad has recently died

[TimE]

My mother has dementia and was living in her own home with my father until September this year when my father died after a short illness
After having my mother live with us for 2 months, I reluctantly decided that a care home was the best (least worst) solution and my mother has been living there for the last month.
Now, my mother keeps asking me about my father. The usual question is something like “your father has gone hasnt he?”. So she sort of knows but needs me to confirm. She has no recollection of his illness, hospital death or the funeral
Up to now, I have been honest with her which is hard for me and heart breaking for her as its as if she is finding out for the first time. She then gets understandably tearful and tells me he was the love of her life and that she cant go on.
I've read up as much as I can including this fantastic website. So Ive tried distraction, “half truths” and avoiding the question but she keeps asking until she gets an answer.
If she asked a different question like “where is your father today?”, I would have no problem saying he came yesterday as I know she wouldn’t remember by the following day.

Can anyone offer any advice or tips? I readily admit that I feel out of my depth on this and am struggling. From what I have read, there probably isnt an answer but I would be grateful for any personal experiences anyone would share.

Thanks

 

[canary]

Hello TimE. Yes, I can see that it is difficult to answer her question. When she says "hes gone hasnt he?" have you tried asking her what she thinks, or where she thinks he has gone? You may find that you have a completely different conversation. Alternatively you could just lie and say "yes hes gone to the shop, but he will be back soon"

Eventually she will stop asking as she starts to forget about him and that will be a bitter-sweet moment.

 

[mancmum]

Sounds like she is asking you to confirm something she already knows

We had this. It was a request to confirm what after about 4 weeks my father learned. Sometimes now he makes mistakes and says he HAS a wife and 2 daughters, sometimes he knows.

Think of people you have known whose partner has died and they will probably cry when talking about them for many months after the actual death.

Try and confirm with pleasant words ..you were together so long, he really did love you, and so on. You will know what fits.

Father has the order of service for the funeral displayed in his bedroom. Of course he is sad - who wouldn't be after a happy marriage - dementia or otherwise.

However, I would give different advice if someone genuinely believes their partner/mother/child etc who has died is still here.