Mum extremely angry I am preventing her holding her pension in cash in hand

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Relm, Feb 4, 2017.

  1. Relm

    Relm Registered User

    Jan 24, 2011
    #1 Relm, Feb 4, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2017
    I live with my Mum who has advanced Alzheimer's. I have lasting Power of Attorney shared with another person. My Mum can not manage her finances on her own.

    My Mum has had lifelong problems with emotional stability and has always been prone to frequent outbursts of anger. She is also fiercely independent.

    Recently she has been getting very angry with me because she's no longer her pension in pound notes in her hand. She feels I am withholding her rightful money from her and am effectively stealing it for my own purposes.

    I keep some cash of hers in a safe in the house and assure her that her money is there and that I am looking after it for her and the safe stops other people taking it. Sometimes I show the cash to her. From time to time, I give her about £30 in half a dozen £5 notes which she likes to give to her grandson when he visits once a month. Apart from that all other payments are made electronically. Needless to say, if I give her the £5 notes the day before her grandson visits, she will lose it and blame intruders or me for taking it.

    HOW CAN I AVOID HER HATRED OF ME FOR WITHHOLDING THE CASH SHE CAN NO LONGER MANAGE? The hatred and anger can go on for days and is spoiling our relationship as you can imagine it would if you thought someone had taken your money and wouldn't give it to you.

    I had hoped the other person with LPA (a family friend who lives a few miles away) would say she's making the financial decisions and it is not up to me how much cash my Mum gets to hold but unfortunately this other person is reluctant to share the blame.

    This must be a common enough problem. Any ideas how to handle it?
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
  3. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
  4. malengwa

    malengwa Registered User

    Jan 26, 2017
    I can relate to this. Last week mum cut up £60, she has become a bit obsessed with cutting, she cut the queens head out and then cut it into tiny pieces. We've had no choice but to take the money and hide it, giving it to her when she needs it ie when she goes out with her friends. It's horrid, as like you, she thinks me or dad are stealing it. I show her bank statements often but the numbers don't mean anything any more.
    I haven't found an effective solution to keep her independence as long as possible.
  5. Malalie

    Malalie Registered User

    Sep 1, 2016
    We have the same problems with MIL and her house keys - she’s started to be unable to get out of her own house as she locks herself in and can’t find the keys. A key safe on the outside of the house enables the carers to get in, but that goes down like a ton of bricks I can tell you….. I have employed a cunning plan with keys that seems to work, but that’s another story.

    If your Mum would be unable to unlock a lock with a key, or is guaranteed to lose the key before she would ever need to use it - what about something like this?

    Secure it somewhere in her room (…screw it inside her wardrobe or a cupboard door or something…) ( A Glass safe??) and give her the only key. ;) Put a key finding keyring on her key and the same on your “non existent" key. She’d be able to see her £5.00 notes, and access them in theory anytime. Maybe Grandson could help her unlock it at the appropriate time. When she wants to use them and can’t find her key, go and rummage around somewhere and produce your key, saying ”Oh, it was in your bedside table drawer / dressing gown pocket (normal places that you find her ‘stolen/lost items) Retrieve the other key later using your key finder when she’s on the loo or something. Repeat……

    Do you think something like that may work??
  6. Relm

    Relm Registered User

    Jan 24, 2011
    I really like that the idea of a lockable see-through box for my Mum.

    I don't think it will necessarily solve this particular problem but it may come in useful for several other situations. The one in your link looks a bit small but I see Amazon has some larger ones (although some of the prices get a bit steep).

    Thank you for the suggestion.
  7. Peirre

    Peirre Registered User

    Aug 26, 2015
    How about giving her substitute zero pound notes?
  8. Jaycee23

    Jaycee23 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2011
    Holding money

    I know exactly how you feel. I had to manage my mums money as I was made joint attorney with my sister but no longer as that's another story. My mum just couldn't manage her money and was always losing it and I ended up holding her cards etc and always being told I was taking her money. You walk around as a suspect ready to defend yourself to anyone that would listen to her accusations and some would always like to believe her as you always find someone that say they knew a person who would steal their money! I didn't but that doesn't help when you have to explain to someone to keep them calm (you soon learn your feelings don't count anymore by those with dementia and those agencies dealing with her) I felt like screaming and would have to get her to sign a receipt for her own money!! To protect myself from my viscious family. I so wished my mum could see it but she couldn't as she was losing the ability to think logically. I really don't think their is an answer to your problem other than have someone close to give YOU a shoulder. We just have to get on with it and please don't stop caring about your own needs as the way the system is, is that it's all about the person with dementia and you are nothing
  9. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Give her a purse full of change.... sometimes Mum didn't think she had money if she had no coins in her purse,
  10. care 4 momma

    care 4 momma Registered User

    Jan 28, 2017
    My mother (vascular dementia mixed with alzheimers) was quickly loosing the ability to understand figures and didnt pay her bills because she thought the utility company or whoever was charging her incorrectly. Even going to McDonalds to eat she questioned her reciept. Then she called telling me that her water would not come on for her to take a shower. I called the utiltiy company only to find out her bill was 60 days late and that they posted a note on her front door giving notice it would be turned off. Finally I had to take over her finances, and of course she was very mad at first then seemed alright with it, it took the burden off of her or she just forgot that she had to pay bills I am not sure which. Some weeks later she passed out at church and a doctor said something to me that has helped me and hurt me so much at the same time. A CT scan was done on her and the brain was full of plaque apparently for decades. She said the mother who raised you is no longer with you she is gone, you now have to be the adult and her the child. She was so right. When she asked which pedal in the car was the brake and which was the gas I was forced to take her keys away. She had a fit. I arranged for a transit company to take her to meet her friends for breakfast or the mall. It worked out well. I went to help her on the weekends since I worked full time. That was 3 years ago now she is with me at my house bedridden, incontinent and has constant hallucinations that she enjoys talking to. My mom is now my child. I love her so much. I can only say please be strong for them do what needs to be done to keep them safe and protected from themselves. Be in their world with them its the only way to communicate and love them. Be patient most of all.

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