Mum doesn't want to speak to me

[PaulB]

I have been caring for my mum since she was diagnosed with Alzheimers over 18 months ago. Her partner of 10 years has been helping and between us we have managed to provide the love and affection she needs. I have my family some distance away from where mum lives and go home at weekends leaving mum's partner to look after her. They are both 78.

Lately, however there has been deterioration in her memory and mood and I seem to have lost her trust and affection as she becomes more reliant on her partner. This became more profound last week when I discussed the idea of residential care with him. He took exception to it and informed mum of what I had been discussing to my horror. A row ensued in front of mum that escalated and ended with mum leaving to stay at her partners house.

I managed to see her and apologise the next day before i returned home. When I left the row seemed to be a thing of the past. I spoke to her on the phone for the next three days and all seemed well but today when i asked to speak with her I heard her say she did not want to talk to me. This was confirmed by my Auntie later. I do not know what to do. I don't want to return if it upsets her so but I can't just leave her there.

Does anyone else have similar experiences of difficulties with joint carers especially non family carers who maybe have a different agenda than a family caring one. I am the eldest son of two with no father to help me.

 

[Jessbow]

Is her partner a reasonably responsible adult? If so i'd let them alone for a while.

If your mother is capable of upping and finding her way to her partners home, I'd think she possibly isn't ready for residential care yet.

What does her partner think of the idea?

 

[Noorza]

Yes I have experience of this. The person with dementia struggles to understand the world around them, they become confused and can't make sense of things.

You may want to google confabulation, this is an awful part of the illness, where they will have partial memories but the parts they've forgotten they will imagine fill ins that aren't true, which can make them angry. They will believe things have happened that haven't happened and will be convincing as they believe it to be true. It's not lying, it is their new truth although it's not true in reality. This is more common I believe in the early to mid stages.


I have deliberately given mum the wrong kind of soup for example, so she will become ill and I can then clean the result from the floor. She gets very angry with me for making her ill. She believes I have persuaded the nurses to hide her medications so she can't be discharged from hospital. Now if you have a family member who buys into these confabulations, they simply confirm it for the patient and they become angry at the person who is actually taking them home from hospital and helping them. This is why the professional advice is to acknowledge the complaint, neither agree nor disagree, then to distract them to another subject.

It is the cruelty of the disease sadly.

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Hello PaulB,
I don't have experience of non family carers in (dare I say) a triangle of mum, non family and family dynamics but I do know all about anxious phone calls, slamming down receivers, repeat calls, screaming and threats. I have been through this with my mum and when it is happening and raw, I know that how painful and brutal it is. (you don't simply feel it do you? you actually get inwardly harmed and injured).
In your particular situation why not try to write a letter to your mum, tell her that you love her and will always be there for her, perhaps a reminder of happy times that you still treasure? She is not alone, you are not "just leaving her".
This is a cruel horrible disease and strikes some harder than others without mercy.

Take care. Twiddler x

 

[PaulB]

Is her partner a reasonably responsible adult? If so i'd let them alone for a while.

If your mother is capable of upping and finding her way to her partners home, I'd think she possibly isn't ready for residential care yet.

What does her partner think of the idea?

Mum could not find her partners house on her own, unfortunately, even though it is only in the next block of flats.

Her partner did not think much of the idea as I posted earlier. It was just a discussion, I would like to keep mum with us as long as possible. it was him bringing the subject up in front of mum, asking me to repeat the conversation in front of her that caused the upset.

 

[PaulB]

Hello PaulB,
I don't have experience of non family carers in (dare I say) a triangle of mum, non family and family dynamics but I do know all about anxious phone calls, slamming down receivers, repeat calls, screaming and threats. I have been through this with my mum and when it is happening and raw, I know that how painful and brutal it is. (you don't simply feel it do you? you actually get inwardly harmed and injured).
In your particular situation why not try to write a letter to your mum, tell her that you love her and will always be there for her, perhaps a reminder of happy times that you still treasure? She is not alone, you are not "just leaving her".
This is a cruel horrible disease and strikes some harder than others without mercy.

Take care. Twiddler x

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I will write to her and if it makes a difference i will continue. At the moment I am keeping away but will travel over at the weekend regardless and show my face.

 

[AlsoConfused]

As Noorza says, so often the bad feeling is over something that didn't actually happen.

I hope all will be well between you and your Mum very quickly.

The fading of the confabulations can sometimes take longer - but I think they usually do fade. That's been our experience anyway.

 

[PaulB]

Yes I have experience of this. The person with dementia struggles to understand the world around them, they become confused and can't make sense of things.

You may want to google confabulation, this is an awful part of the illness, where they will have partial memories but the parts they've forgotten they will imagine fill ins that aren't true, which can make them angry. They will believe things have happened that haven't happened and will be convincing as they believe it to be true. It's not lying, it is their new truth although it's not true in reality. This is more common I believe in the early to mid stages.


I have deliberately given mum the wrong kind of soup for example, so she will become ill and I can then clean the result from the floor. She gets very angry with me for making her ill. She believes I have persuaded the nurses to hide her medications so she can't be discharged from hospital. Now if you have a family member who buys into these confabulations, they simply confirm it for the patient and they become angry at the person who is actually taking them home from hospital and helping them. This is why the professional advice is to acknowledge the complaint, neither agree nor disagree, then to distract them to another subject.

It is the cruelty of the disease sadly.

Thank you for this enlightening reply. Yes, confabulation, a new term for me, has become more and prevalent with mum. Three or four stories are sometimes bundled into one. A conversation about something innocuous becomes the centre piece of mums next story. She doesn't know the end and gets mad at herself for not knowing it. But it's the personal attacks on friends and family, my daughter, her granddaughter that come from nowhere, 5 minutes after saying how much she would love to see her, that are distressing. Do I just need to get used to them, don't take them personally? Why are the attacks against me, her son and not directed at her partner, save for her moments of accusations and jealousy when he isn't about? Confused...

 

[PaulB]

As Noorza says, so often the bad feeling is over something that didn't actually happen.

I hope all will be well between you and your Mum very quickly.

The fading of the confabulations can sometimes take longer - but I think they usually do fade. That's been our experience anyway.

Thank you for your reply. I am hoping that by me removing myself from the scene for a few days will help whatever it is she is upset with me over, to fade as you say.

 

[PaulB]

Is her partner a reasonably responsible adult? If so i'd let them alone for a while.

If your mother is capable of upping and finding her way to her partners home, I'd think she possibly isn't ready for residential care yet.

What does her partner think of the idea?

Further on this Jess. Yes, mum's partner is a very responsible adult. He adores her. He would like to look after her full time. I want to do my share but it's becoming increasingly difficult as mum prefers to be with him all the time. Evenings are horrendous but I manage. But lately it seems I'm battling on two fronts. One to keep mum calm, happy and comfortable in her own home whilst her partner, when I'm not there, takes her to his house where they stay. Now mum thinks that place is her home and wants to leave her home for his most evenings. I've asked her partner to stay at mum's as arranged but when I go back to my family he takes mum to his anyway. This is one example of him working to his own agenda. He called me 'the lodger' the other day which really upset me. I am struggling to keep my cool with him but it is becoming increasingly difficult. At the centre of it is mum. So I back off and let the situation calm down but I can't keep doing that indefinitely can I?