Mum died today

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Dino, Jun 24, 2019.

  1. Dino

    Dino Registered User

    Aug 7, 2011
    My lovely mum died this morning.

    I wasn't there so she was all alone, she is gone.

    The care home didn't even call me, emailed my brother-in-law saying they were unable to reach me.

    No, a lie, they have emailed me many times and have my cell number. Just last night the careworker said "We will phone you if anything happens before you get here, it doesn't matter about cost does it, you deserve to know..." What!!?? I knew it all comes down to money, they couldn't even call me to say mum has passed away.

    After not drinking or eating for days, she was smiling last night and drank 1/2 a litre so I'm told, then died today.

    I am so sorry mum I wasn't there.

    I hate myself, my daughter and I were booked on Icelandair for last night so we would have arrived this am UK time, the airline changed planes at the last minute to a Portuguese airline as Icelandair have grounded the 737 max 8 planes they usually used and were leasing other.planes.

    My daughter is so terrified of flying and was near hysterical, we had a near crash on American Airlines and she never got over it, so we didn't get on the Portuguese aircraft as it has such bad reviews and after hearing mum was drinking water now I thought we had a little more time.

    If I had got on that plane I would have been by mum's side, why didn't I just go..the timing...mum would have passed away with me there for her literally an hour after I could have got to her.

    She is alone at the funeral directors.

    I can't think straight, my daughter and I are now coming over by ship which leaves July 7th and will take 7 days.

    I have to ask if the funeral place will keep mum's ashes for me until then.

    Per her wishes she will be cremated and I won't get to see her and tell her I love her so much and I'm so sorry and hope she is at peace.

    My daughter and I will take mum to the Lake District where she wanted to go to be with my step father who died in 2004.

    My brother and his wife abused mum, she was aware of What they were doing and it breaks my heart. She.suffered.
  2. Ohso

    Ohso Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    I am a big believer in trusting to the universe and it conspired against you today but maybe for a reason. You are in shock and all your emotions are racing. Take a few minutes to calm yourself and think about the time you did spend with her.
    Be gentle with yourself. Maybe she needed to be alone for her last minutes to remember her life and loved ones so she could be calm and relaxed as she passed away xxx
  3. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    I’m so sorry to hear
    Im sorry to hear about your loss , i do honestly believe that our loved ones prefer to slip away alone. Please don’t feel bad or guilty , you loved her and that’s what’s important . I’m sure she would not want you to feel that way . Please take care and be kind to yourself.
  4. Rach1985

    Rach1985 Registered User

    Jun 9, 2019
    So sorry for you loss, you loved your mum, that means more than anything.
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Please accept my condolences

    I wasnt there when my mum passed away either.
    I had sat wither for, but had to go home to check on my OH and she passed away within 10 mins of me leaving.
    A very experienced carer told me that she had seen this happen many times and she felt that many people purposely wait until they are alone. You might have got there while she was alive and found that she passed away while you were in the loo.

    She is at peace now. Try and find some peace yourself
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I’m sorry for your loss.
  7. campervan21

    campervan21 Registered User

    May 4, 2017
    Sorry for your loss
  8. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I'm sorry for your loss. I wasn't there when my dad died either. He passed suddenly and unexpectedly and was gone before I could get there even though he was less than ten minutes away from me.

    Your mum's spirit is free and her suffering is over. She'll always be there in your heart and I'm sure she knew that.
  9. LizzieM

    LizzieM Registered User

    May 6, 2019
    So sorry to read your sad news. Please try not to beat yourself up though - Ohso, Woohoo and Canary are right; many people seem to purposely wait until they’re alone to cross over. Years ago when I was involved in hospices and treatment centres, it was much pondered on and is now an accepted phenomenon. There is another then referred to as ‘permission to go’ - a lot of hanging on in there by the dying person until final acceptance by the wider family at which point the message seemed to somehow get through and the person died very soon after, sometimes just minutes, peacefully and just slipping away.
  10. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    So sorry for your loss you will always be with your mum she will remain in your heart forever take care xxx
  11. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    I’m so sorry for your loss @Dino - please do not hate yourself.
    I am also a strong believer in trusting the universe & you were clearly not meant to be there & maybe as I believe my mum did the same that she wanted to spare you being there when she passed.
    Although I would have stern words with the care home for not making every effort to contact you especially when you had expressed that they needed to do so.
    I firmly believe that my mum tried to pass while I was there on her final day but she wasn’t quite ready. She passed away in the early hrs of the morning & I got the phone call I was expecting. It’s nearly 3 months ago now to the day. Big hugs xx
  12. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    So sorry for your loss.
  13. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Sorry to hear of your sad loss. It is no wonder you feel so hurt that the care home didn't get in touch with you, but that does not change your deep love for your mother, which she knew, or alter the many loving meetings you had with her over the years. Be kind to yourself. xx
  14. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    So sorry about the loss of your mum Dino, there really is no way of knowing with this terrible illness how much time they have left, it could be days, weeks, months, then days again, and that could go on for over a year as it did with my mother. Its torture all the ups and downs.
  15. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I'm so sorry and my thoughts are with you.

    My mum passed away in January this year, I was 8, nearly 9months pregnant at the time and spent 5days sleeping on a chair next to mums bed or on the floor on coats next to her. I was constanly being told 'go to the hotel near by and get some proper rest'. There was no way I was leaving her side till the very end. So I cannot imagine how you are feeling.

    I am so sorry you where unable to get there.. but please, don't be hard on yourself. You're able to lay your mum to her final resting place. Cry all you need to, say everything you want to. Remember, you are not to blame. Your mum will be able to watch over you clearly now. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to carry any guilt.

    I'm sending you all my thoughts and hugs. Hope you have a safe journey xx
  16. Elisabeth71

    Elisabeth71 New member

    Jul 19, 2019
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mum new she was loved and that is what counts, it’s now time to give yourself a little of that compassion too, don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over x
  17. steele247

    steele247 Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    Sorry for your loss dont feel bad for not being there you cared for her you loved her she knows that am a big believer in that they go to a better place and look down on you all your life also somtimes in life we dont have control over how things pan out so dont feel bad for it. And know she loves you sending you healing love and light.
  18. Mouse2014

    Mouse2014 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2014
    I am so sorry for your loss. Love to you all.
    I really do believe that some people slip away peacefully alone, simply because they want to.
    I don’t understand it but I do know my Dad slipped away 10 minutes after my brother left the hospital and my Mother in Law waited till her sons and husband had gone to bed. It’s a final choice.
    Rest assured your Mum would know you loved her and would have passed feeling your love, xx
    Stay strong

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