Mum back to the emotional abuse. Should I keep visiting?!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jess1982, Jan 21, 2015.

  1. Jess1982

    Jess1982 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2014
    75
    Hi

    I posted a while ago explaining I'd always had a very difficult relationship with my mum.
    For years she has said I never do enough for her, and lots of comments implying I'm the worst daughter imaginable!

    Anyway since she's had dementia and my dad has become ill she has been less focused on me.

    She was sectioned a couple of months ago and I find visiting her extremely stressful due to the other patients on the ward and their different mental health problems. It's a very unpredictable environment and fills me with dread each visit.

    Anyway on Sunday I took her out for the day to see my dad, have lunch with her, then she came to my house for a while before I had to drop her back to the psychiatric ward.

    So Monday she rang me many times. I was at college all day but spoke to her in the evening.
    I was surprised to see she was back to her old ways. She made several nasty comments about how I didn't care about her or my dad. Lastly she told me I wasn't a very nice person. At this point I said "bye mum" and hung up.

    I have two young children, 1 is autistic, I have college and other commitments. I now have to juggle visiting my mum and my dad neither of which are that near where I live.
    I am also pregnant! Very early days so am absolutely exhausted.

    I have stuck by my mum all these years because I felt sorry for her despite the abuse.

    The doctors rang me today to ask how her outing had gone and told me she's been telling everyone I don't do enough etc. then

    I have done above and beyond for both my parents especially all of last year.

    I know some of my mums behaviour is down to her illness but she has always been like this with me.

    I suppose what I am asking for is people's opinions. Should I visit less? Or should I continue to put myself through hell when my visits don't even seem to lift her mood and she doesn't appreciate it anyway?!

    Thanks
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,746
    Female
    London
    I think you've given yourself the answer in your last sentence, haven't you? Nothing wrong with putting yourself first for once, you'll make yourself ill otherwise.
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,907
    Female
    Scotland
    You have your hands full

    If you remove your parents from this scenario you are still a young woman with two children and pregnant. One of those children has special needs and you are trying to complete a college course. If you were my daughter I would consider you stretched and needing some care yourself.

    Now put your parents back in the picture. Your Dad is getting something out of your visits and your Mum is just adding to the sum of your problems. As my virtual daughter I would have to say make your visits to Mum few and far between and if you feel it necessary write a letter to the hospital explaining why. No apologies just straight talk.
     
  4. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,949
    In my opinion you should think of yourself, husband and children, you are needed and appreciated by them, these are vital years for your children especially and you have to be there for them, and in a good state of mind too.
     
  5. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,839
    England
    I can remember the difference in how I felt about myself when I was pregnant for the first time, and in subsequent pregnancies. Life is so busy and you have other people to care for, and it is easy to almost ignore your pregnant body because it is inconvenient. With my second baby I went to childbirth classes and that couple of hours a week was really the only time when I focused on the new little person and our relationship.

    With my third baby I was determined to focus more on us as a pair, to feel special, and to get to know him as a person before he arrived. We had decided that this would be our last baby, so there was also that feeling of "this will be the last time I do this, so make the most of it."

    Your mum is giving you those same tired old messages about being not good enough for her. Take it from me, with a mother who has written that script for you, you will NEVER be good enough in her eyes because she doesn't think 'good enough' will do. For whatever reason she wants unattainable perfection. Not rational, not achievable, not fair.

    You and your mum are leading very different lives now. You need to leave her critical script in the past. It's something you used to put up with for the sake of family. It's not helpful to your own family of 2.5 children, a family that you lead as their mum. You are more than 'good enough' for them. Be kind to yourself, and your children, and don't allow your mother's disrespect for you to impact on who you are.

    We all say "Yes, but..." when someone we care about needs us. In spite of how they behave we think we 'ought' to be strong enough to grit our teeth and take it. However, if you don't change the pattern, she certainly won't. Why would she? :rolleyes: It's what she's always done and she feels entitled to do it.

    Keep being firm about what is acceptable and what is not. Walk away, metaphorically and literally, if she crosses the boundaries you set. She will either modify her behaviour, or she will not. That's up to her. You can't make the situation change by doing what you've always done. As you know I'm sure. Good luck. :)
     
  6. Jess1982

    Jess1982 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2014
    75
    Thanks so much.

    You're so right. I could quite easily rush around and not make time to enjoy this pregnancy.
    Also could easily push myself and not listen to my body calling out to rest!

    I'll visit her tomorrow as I had planned to. If she is unfriendly I'll stretch out my next visit until longer.

    I hope she's not in there for too long! Don't fancy visiting her with big pregnancy bump!
     
  7. Jess1982

    Jess1982 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2014
    75
    Thank you!
     
  8. Jess1982

    Jess1982 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2014
    75
    Thank you

    You are right I should put myself first now. My mum certainly won't!
     

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