Mum and new 'friend' in nursing home

[MrsTerryN]

Went to visit mum as usual today. She was telling me her usual comments, she is getting kicked out, 'over there' has better food than us. All of a sudden she told me 'I like so so' with a smirk. I already knew mum had connected to him because she had to sit next to him on the bus, by choice, last week.
They both have dementia (mum has significant short term memory loss) widowed. I am happy mum has made a friend. I was wondering if there is a downside?

 

[jaymor]

Good for Mum, she has a friend. In the big picture that is dementia there probably will be a downside but for now let's all enjoy your lovely news and good luck to your Mum.

Jay

 

[Lady Phoenix]

Cant see how there could ever be a down side to your Mum making a new friend.

At the very worst she now has a companion to pass away the minutes when there are no carers to sit with her because they are so over worked.

 

[MrsTerryN]

Thank you jaymor I suppose I don't want mum to have hurt feelings. I was a bit worried after the bus trip last week but the staff member commented that the gentleman also had dementia. Mum can have quite confusing speech on occasions.
Lady Phoenix true thanks for that. Have to say where she is there is a bucket load of activities and that is actually how mum and he met. They are in different areas of the nursing home

 

[BR_ANA]

One of them can keep flirting with anything and the other feel jealows and go violent.

Other: if he has a live OH,this OH can be hurt.

 

[Raggedrobin]

One of them might start to manifest inappropriate sexual behaviour to the other, which could be tricky if the chap has a spouse or one of them is not interested. My mum took a fancy to another dementia sufferer and she sort of only focuses on him in a room of people. He has no idea why she homes in on him, it just confuses him. He has a wife, too. Mum had previously homed in on someone else and when she saw him talking to me she seems to manifest a sort of jealousy. He also had a wife, who my mum made up stories about as if to say she didn't understand him like my mum did.
but overall I think just go with it.

 

[SengoSon]

Fruity

I have heard that a number of Alzheimer's and Dementia patients can get a bit fruity as they lose various filters and inhibitions; but each patient is different and it effects people in different ways.

But as suggested by others I'd suggest you let that one run and see how it plays out. It's a bit of a journey and they are both adults but whether they have the capacity to know what they are doing or who's feelings they are (or are not) hurting is anyone's guess.

Moments of happiness need to be cherished.

 

[rainsford76]

caught in act

I have both my parents with dementia dad alzeimers and mum vascular dementia. We have carers going in on regular basis and they go to day centres 3 times a week. Dad's sexual behaviour towards my mum is starting to become an issue. Mum is a lot worse than dad as incontinent now and unable to dress, wash or communicate very well. The most you might get out of her is just a a couple of words and even then don't make much sense. This I find really upsetting as always enjoyed the chats with my mum. The problem we have is that on the days they don't go to the centres they very often go back to bed and today I walked in on them and caught them in the act in the front room. Luckily they didn't see me and I just left without them knowing I was there. It was as you can imagine a complete shock and very upsetting. Did I do the right thing by walking away just want some advice on this and how other people cope with this sort of thing.

 

[garnuft]

Rainsford76

I think you absolutely did the right thing by just walking away but I think you or someone, must establish if your Mum is happy to accept your Father's sexual advances.

If she is, if consent can be established in any way, then their privacy must be protected but if your Mum is not happy with sexual contact then her integrity must have priority.

I would ask to speak to all professionals involved in their care for advice, opinions and ultimately, tailored care to support both of them as individuals.

 

[jaymor]

I have both my parents with dementia dad alzeimers and mum vascular dementia. We have carers going in on regular basis and they go to day centres 3 times a week. Dad's sexual behaviour towards my mum is starting to become an issue. Mum is a lot worse than dad as incontinent now and unable to dress, wash or communicate very well. The most you might get out of her is just a a couple of words and even then don't make much sense. This I find really upsetting as always enjoyed the chats with my mum. The problem we have is that on the days they don't go to the centres they very often go back to bed and today I walked in on them and caught them in the act in the front room. Luckily they didn't see me and I just left without them knowing I was there. It was as you can imagine a complete shock and very upsetting. Did I do the right thing by walking away just want some advice on this and how other people cope with this sort of thing.

I think I would just leave things as long as your Mum did not appear to be distressed then they were enjoying being close which for me is great. Age should never be a barrier but if one or other is not consenting then that is a different matter.