1. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    Near Bristol
    Well, my mum has been in a home for 2 1/2 weeks. She is detiorating very quickly. I feel it is because she is in an environment where there are poor souls who are so much worse.Mum finds the loud shouting and very distressed behaviour of others very upsetting.

    I want/should/ought to bring her home but--
    Would she settle and be manageable?
    If not how can I put her through going back to a home?

    She has been a good person all her life and does not deserve all this s**t.

    I want to walk away, a very very long walk, no returning.
  2. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    thinking about you
  3. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    hi snuffy,i know exactly what you mean ,your post brought the ever ready tears ,that are always hovering ,my jim has been in various hospitals over the last 4 week .Icant beleive the rapid deterioration there has been .due to the evironment,the shouting really upsets him .but due to his aggression .he may be there long term .i feel so guilty having let this happen ,i feel i should have tried a bit longer .to day he managed to ask for the toilet ,but the staff said they could not take him has he was kicking and fighting them ,he woul hve to be taken to the bedroom and be changed later and they would now have to use the hoist,however he is still aware that he needs the toilet .so after agonising what to do ,my sister and i ,lifted him from the chair ,and tried to walk him there .as we had been moving him short distances over the week ,but it turned out a huge mistake .after a few steps he started to go beserk it took 5 of us to get him back in the chair .now visiting is so hard ,when i know what he wants ,i had some of these problems at home ,and many more ,but i am sure i was managing things better than them .however they are concerned for my safty,as well.ITS CATCH 22.ANGELA
  4. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    Hi there!

    My father was really aggro when I moved him and my mother to new accommodation - you probably remember all the dramas that ensued with the move to the bungalow. It took at least 6 weeks for him to settle in.

    Hang in there with your Mother for a few weeks. She will be feeling incredibly disoriented right now and very anxious, which will manifest in some odd behaviour probably. Give it a bit of time before you decide to do anything radical again. She may well settle down after a few rocky weeks.

  5. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    I understand your feeling about your Mum being in an "environment where there are poor souls who are so much worse". When my Dad first went into a home, he was (is) still physically very well and we saw lots of people lying around all day etc. We wanted to just bring him home again too. He also did not like some of the strange noises going on (nor did we) but seems to ignore a lot of them now.

    My Mum felt the worst (visitng the most) and it has taken many months for her to get to used to this in some way (I'm not sure that we'll ever get completely used to it). Dad has settled very well now and, although Mum is still upset at times, she is less pressured simply by having to spend less time with Dad's illness. It sounds cruel but I think it has been the kindest thing for everyone, in our case at least.
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    yes, the noises can be quite alarming.

    I recall that on one of the occasions we went to a day centre - before they banned Jan for being disruptive - a carer wheeled a lady in and she was making all sorts of weird sounds. I recall being a bit annoyed at the disturbance at the time - it was at Christmas and they had some singers in.

    I guess it came back to haunt me, because Jan makes the identical noises now.

    Different person, different noise is often the case.

    What I have learned to remember is that for each of us, the brain controls everything we do, and that includes speech. Because the dementias hit each person differently [and that is also day by day], speech is affected differently too, and because their cognitive ability and stage in the illness varies, the combination of all these means that speech is a major challenge to them.

    When they are saying "hello" it may sound really threatening because they can't apply the nuances of voice we expect.

    Jan's voice has dropped a couple of octaves in the past three years and is now mostly a deep monotone - except in periods of a bit of clarity, when the intonations all drop back in and she sounds just a tad more as she once did.

    At her home, there is one man - another early onset person [they have quite a few there] - who lurches up to you sounding very threatening. After a while of avoiding him, one day he got me in a corner, so I just said "Hello [his name], how are you today?". He tends to look down most of the time because he has the common problem of being unsteady on his feet, and being unsure of his walking. As soon as I spoke normally to him, he looked me in the eye and smiled, muttered something else to me [it could have been "I'm ok" but was indecipherable], then he turned and walked away. I think he was just being polite, but the dementia makes this seem threatening.

    Since then I have always said hello to him and the others each day. Sometimes he comes to the room where Jan and I crawl on the mattress, and looks in. I say to him "It's ok, I'm just looking after Jan"; he smiles, then walks off. I think he is looking after her, in his own way.

    Message: don't be too put off by the noises. The people are generally just trying to communicate. It does take geting used to, it is alarming and a bit distressing at first, but they are still people locked up inside a body controlled by dementia.
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy and Angela, so sorry to hear how you both are feeling, oh how I hate this disease and what it does to our loved ones and to us as families. Thinking of you, hope tomorrow is better, love and hugs, She. XX
  8. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    Near Bristol
    All your replies made me feel somewhat guilty thinking I was the only one with probs. I don't really have anyone to "shout at" which is why this site is so wonderfull.

    Please forgive me and my thoughts go out to all.
  9. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi snuffy, I replied to let you know you're not the only one - but not to make you feel guilty. Nothing to forgive - and hope that whatever you decide to do works out for you and your mum.

    I hope things are better for you soon too Angela.
  10. nikita

    nikita Registered User

    Jul 31, 2004

    my gran often complains about other residents in her home i just tell her they cant help it and she seems to accept that, she still has her high morals ie complains about messy eaters, people lifting clothes off etc, the bit im not sure of is we were told 2 yeras ago she was in advanced stages of the disease but she is still quite able to feed herself and aware of regular visitors, also she still is mostly continent, this does not sound as advanced as some people, we were also told 2 years ago we would not have her much longer due to her weak heart. whan i go and visit at times she looks a picture of health, she may yet get her telegram off the queen.
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Dear Nikita, your gran sounds delighful, (I accept this brings ist own problems).
    What i mean is , O.K. gran is not conforming to the accepted passage. She is retaining more of her facilties than expected, and is confounding the experts.
    Whats new, everyone is individual, good on 'gran'.

    Go with the flow, today is all that matters. So long as you can COPE, take gran as she is, and let tomorrow take care of itself. Love Connie
  12. Jen

    Jen Registered User

    Jun 22, 2005
    Southampton (Hampshire)
    No Win Situation

    Hi Snuffyuk

    I was interested to read what you had to say. My mum refused point blank to go into a Home when she was first diagnosed with dementia and the Social Worker put a package in place whereby she has carers go in 3 times a day. I actually made an official complaint as I said mum wasn't well enought to go home. The authorities said that they can not force anyone to go into a Home as long as they were not a danger to themselves. Mum lives on her own and the family keep regular checks on her. She is actually doing quite well but I think (thought) that she would do better in a Home with more company and stimulation etc. BUT after reading what you had to say I'm not too sure. If you can put a care package in place I would say try in her own home. If things went wrong you could get her back into a Home I would think as her Consultant etc wouldn't want her to stay where she could be a danger. If you don't try you will be wondering what it... However, mum does not go out and is too frightened to put on the gas etc so we are lucky in that way. Good luck - I really do know how you feel, my greatest feeling now is that mum has no one but me to look out for her as she is just unable to think for herself now and the feeling is I don't want to get it wrong for her, just how you feel I think..... Best wishes. Jen
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi everyone

    well, this sort of thing is going to happen from time to time, as new people post and select threads that are not current but they match their own experience, so they want to help

    Nobody's fault, just a fact.

    Sometimes when you try to help, with all the good intentions in the world, things have moved on and the situation is no longer the same. Problem is, that without checking each and every thread and posting, there's no way to know the situation has changed.

    Snuffy, you know all our good wishes are with you.

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