Moving to a care home.

[sadistic san]

My Mother has had Alzheimer's for about 5 years now,she is at the stage where she does not make any sense when talking and unfortunately she is getting worse (obviously). The reason I am here is to ask for your help with a problem I have, we have carers that go in 3 times a day also my brother and I go in every day, so she is rarely on her own, when she is on her own she just sits in the chair and looks at the television, she will not go out as she is scared in case she falls and hurts herself, at times she will stare out of the window waiting for someone to come to see her or take her out.
When I mention to her if she would like to be in a place where she has her own room and other people would not be far away, I get a firm No!However we have decided to put Mum in a home and we are not sure how to tell her about it, would it be better to tell her she is moving or just take her there and hopes she settles in.
It is breaking my heart as I feel that I am abandoning her by putting her in a home.
Hopefully looking for help,
San

 

[sah]

How about telling her she's having to go to an 'hotel' while some urgent work is being done at home? Imaginary gas leak/plumbing problem or something? You may find she settles in more easily than you think. I feel-if you ask - you will always get a 'No' as there's no real understanding-plus a fear of the unknown.

You could just try a couple of weeks as respite care - don't commit yourself for full time until you see how it goes? My husband mutters about going to day care - but he loves it once he's there and gets so much more input than he does at home.

And you're not abandoning her; making sure she is safe and in a suitable environment is caring.

Not easy - but good luck.

 

[blueboy]

I told Mum that the doctor said that she needed a bit of extra help for a short time - that was 2 months ago and Mum has never even mentioned her house and seems content. I suppose that is one of the few blessings of this horrible disease - no short term memory whatsoever.

 

[hancmont]

My Mother has had Alzheimer's for about 5 years now,she is at the stage where she does not make any sense when talking and unfortunately she is getting worse (obviously). The reason I am here is to ask for your help with a problem I have, we have carers that go in 3 times a day also my brother and I go in every day, so she is rarely on her own, when she is on her own she just sits in the chair and looks at the television, she will not go out as she is scared in case she falls and hurts herself, at times she will stare out of the window waiting for someone to come to see her or take her out.
When I mention to her if she would like to be in a place where she has her own room and other people would not be far away, I get a firm No!However we have decided to put Mum in a home and we are not sure how to tell her about it, would it be better to tell her she is moving or just take her there and hopes she settles in.
It is breaking my heart as I feel that I am abandoning her by putting her in a home.
Hopefully looking for help,
San

We were in a very similar situation to you. My mum didn't really respond to the carers visits when she lived in her own flat. Lost weight, wouldn't eat or take medication, wouldn't wash or shower. She is now on a 3 week 'trial' at a really nice care home we found, so she can be assessed to see if she is ok with them and that they can meet her needs. She has been in there a week now but is finding it hard to settle (which the carers say is normal). She has her own room with ensuite and balcony and the freedom of movement around the care home. Back when she was in her flat she would constantly say 'I want to leave here and be in a place where there are other people like me' we told her about the care home but rather than describe it as a care home we said it was a place like a hotel where you would have meals cooked for you, had your own room a hairdressers and where they did lots of activities and we could visit anytime and also take her for days out. She seemed ok with this and willingly got in the car for us to take her there but did get very confused (naturally) when she got there. It is hard but you are NOT abandoning her. You are doing the most caring and responsible thing by making sure she is safe and cared for and in a place where there are professionals used to looking after people with Alzheimers. It won't be easy and she may or may not settle in but you have also to remember that this awful disease is progressive so you have to think long term. The best of luck X

 

[Otiruz]

Perhaps you could take her initially for a cup of tea and cake or whatever. As if you are popping out together for afternoon tea or morning coffee. Then progress to lunch there, possibly then evening dinner (or whatever the home have during the evening). You can then introduce her to her room and say there is a problem at home and she needs to stay overnight in this room.... (what a lovely hotel it is etc etc...), this may suit her level of condition or she may smell a rat but at the very least there will be a familiarity to the home for both of you.

 

[sadistic san]

Care home worries.

Thank you for your kind words and ideas it has made sense to me all the things you are saying. Thanks San