Moving to a care home

[Brickie]

My OH is currently in hospital going through the slow process of hospital social services Etc. His daughters and I believe the ‘help at home’ option is not a goer are we are looking into care homes which we will need to self fund.

I’d really like advice from others who have gone through this process, mainly how did they broach their OH about not coming home, but to a new ‘home’. I know he’d be happier there eventually, but it’s really agonising me as to how I ‘sell it’ initially.
I am really struggling and feel this is worse than bereavement, at least then I’d know he was at peace.

 

[Spotty cat]

My OH is currently in hospital going through the slow process of hospital social services Etc. His daughters and I believe the ‘help at home’ option is not a goer are we are looking into care homes which we will need to self fund.

I’d really like advice from others who have gone through this process, mainly how did they broach their OH about not coming home, but to a new ‘home’. I know he’d be happier there eventually, but it’s really agonising me as to how I ‘sell it’ initially.
I am really struggling and feel this is worse than bereavement, at least then I’d know he was at peace.

I truly understand. Just doing the same thing. Think nothing could be harder. Have been in s facility just over 2 weeks He don’t understand. To say goodbye to home and him not knowing why. Just pray for strength for he and I. Prayers for you too

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Brickie and welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Spotty cat.
It might be a good idea not to say too much to your husbands but just say that they are going to a nice convalescent home to get stronger. Just keep on saying it's not time to come home just yet until they get used to their new home. Being in a care home doesn't mean you stop being a loving partner, just that you have someone to help with all the hard work of caring for someone with dementia.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their thoughts and suggestions

 

[canary]

I never told mum it was permanent
She moved from hospital to a care home on a discharge to access (D2A) bed - called reablement where we are - for 6 weeks. I told mum she was convalescing after her stay in hospital. By the time she got to the end of her 6 weeks she was settling well and was beginning to consider the home to be her actual home, so it was made permanent and I never said anything at all

 

[Grannie G]

I`m sorry it`s come to this @Brickie but understand it has to be.

I told my husband the doctor wanted him in a convalescent home to help him build up his strength.

He accepted this and after the initial period of resettlement I had the best four years with him since diagnosis.

 

[northumbrian_k]

I did not broach the subject at all. After a few successful short respite stays I knew that it was time to consider a permanent move. I made the arrangements, packed her bag and took my wife to her new home. I used a little subterfuge to get her to come in with me and the staff took over from there. In more than 3 years since the subject has never arisen and she is now beyond such conversations.

It does depend on how aware the person is. My wife did ask questions at first but was easily satisfied by the vaguest of answers. She liked her room and was keen to show me. She made friends with other residents and staff in that semi-detached way that is common in dementia. She settled and is now more content than I ever imagined possible. We spent some precious time together in the garden just this afternoon

Talking the care home decision was hard but for me was the single best thing that I have ever done. I didn't want it to be this way but am certain that, in the circumstances, I have made the best of the situation.

I hope that this helps you in your own difficult situation.

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @Brickie my OH was in a locked unit for about 3 months, before he was then moved to a permanent care home, and we didn’t tell him. He no longer had capacity to know where he was, and he just got moved one day. I found that the less he knew, then the less agitated he was. Same as when I put him in respite, it was hard, but I didn’t tell him anything until we got there, then said that I was going into hospital for a while, and he was staying here, and he was ok with that.

 

[Brickie]

Hi @Brickie my OH was in a locked unit for about 3 months, before he was then moved to a permanent care home, and we didn’t tell him. He no longer had capacity to know where he was, and he just got moved one day. I found that the less he knew, then the less agitated he was. Same as when I put him in respite, it was hard, but I didn’t tell him anything until we got there, then said that I was going into hospital for a while, and he was staying here, and he was ok with that.

Thanks, Thethirdmrsc. I think my OH has not quite reached the stage of not knowing where he is Which is why it’s do tricky.

 

[Brickie]

I did not broach the subject at all. After a few successful short respite stays I knew that it was time to consider a permanent move. I made the arrangements, packed her bag and took my wife to her new home. I used a little subterfuge to get her to come in with me and the staff took over from there. In more than 3 years since the subject has never arisen and she is now beyond such conversations.

It does depend on how aware the person is. My wife did ask questions at first but was easily satisfied by the vaguest of answers. She liked her room and was keen to show me. She made friends with other residents and staff in that semi-detached way that is common in dementia. She settled and is now more content than I ever imagined possible. We spent some precious time together in the garden just this afternoon

Talking the care home decision was hard but for me was the single best thing that I have ever done. I didn't want it to be this way but am certain that, in the circumstances, I have made the best of the situation.

I hope that this helps you in your own difficult situation.

Thank you, Northumbrian.k. I hope the outcome is similar for us. Maybe I’m overthinking it.

 

[Brickie]

I`m sorry it`s come to this @Brickie but understand it has to be.

I told my husband the doctor wanted him in a convalescent home to help him build up his strength.

He accepted this and after the initial period of resettlement I had the best four years with him since diagnosis.

Thanks, Grannie G. I too have thought of the ’convalescence’ home’ option. ??

 

[Brickie]

Hi @Brickie and welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Spotty cat.
It might be a good idea not to say too much to your husbands but just say that they are going to a nice convalescent home to get stronger. Just keep on saying it's not time to come home just yet until they get used to their new home. Being in a care home doesn't mean you stop being a loving partner, just that you have someone to help with all the hard work of caring for someone with dementia.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their thoughts and suggestions

Thank you. It’s so helpful and comforting having understanding people offering their thoughts.

 

[Brickie]

I truly understand. Just doing the same thing. Think nothing could be harder. Have been in s facility just over 2 weeks He don’t understand. To say goodbye to home and him not knowing why. Just pray for strength for he and I. Prayers for you too

Thank you so much for your comments, spotty cat. Good luck yo you too

 

[Brickie]

Thank you. It’s so helpful and comforting having understanding people offering their thoughts.

I never told mum it was permanent
She moved from hospital to a care home on a discharge to access (D2A) bed - called reablement where we are - for 6 weeks. I told mum she was convalescing after her stay in hospital. By the time she got to the end of her 6 weeks she was settling well and was beginning to consider the home to be her actual home, so it was made permanent and I never said anything at all

Thank you, canary

 

[Valpiana]

I just told my husband the Doctor told me I needed a rest snd he was going somewhere that people could look after him for a while. That was in January and we haven't had any problems. I was bringing my husband home for lunch at the weekends but it soon became apparent that he can't remember "home".

 

[Brickie]

I just told my husband the Doctor told me I needed a rest snd he was going somewhere that people could look after him for a while. That was in January and we haven't had any problems. I was bringing my husband home for lunch at the weekends but it soon became apparent that he can't remember "home".

Thanks, that it the outcome I’m hoping for.