Moved Mum form Medway hospital to Care home in Norfolk after intense pressure from SS

[Pixy77]

This is all new to me and happened really quickly since a GP visit in early September.
Mum was sent straight to hospital as the GP decided mum was not safe at home living on her own. Following a best of interest meeting on a Friday, where I mentioned that possibly moving mum nearer to me in Norfolk would be a good idea and being told as there are no vacancies in the Medway area, so this would be a possibility.

It was my job to have a look round in Norfolk to see if I could find a suitable care home. After going to see only one possible, SS were phoning me at work hassling me to make a decision as the hospital needed their bed back and if the home had a vacant bed then they could move mum the next day.!!! I totally understand that the hospitals and the bed situation is difficult, but this is a human being, who is very confused and scared and really wants to go home to her own flat.

I took a second look at the care home and it was in the budget that Medway would cover, with a small top up from me and it seemed quite nice, although I hadn't seen any others to compare it with, so feeling in a bit of a daze said yes to it!!!

Mum was moved the following Sunday and has been at the care home almost 2 weeks. There were no follow on notes to give the care home from the hospital and my sister and I are both really unsure if mum is being looked after as she should be. There was no time for the care home to do an assessment on mum prior to the move, so we are all really in the dark.

I am feeling extremely guilty that I have let my mum down. I am therefore working a full time job, then going to see my mum every evening to help her settle there.

I have no idea what treatment for the dementia she will be getting, if any, and I feel like it is just a case of dumping her in the home to let her illness do its worst.

Her belongings keep going missing, including her glasses all day on Wednesday so when I arrived she couldn't really see me and was not only walking around confused, but nearly blind too!

The glasses turned up in another residents room when I went to nurses to inform them that mum couldn't see and had lost her glasses.!!

It seems like a free for all with the residents belongings in the home. Last night mum had someone else's purse and handbag, but mums handbag has gone missing! luckily I have her purse at home, so there was nothing of value in her bag.
I guess this is something we need to get used to, but it all seems quite awful.

The whole thing has been a nightmare and it seems like 6 weeks ago we were able to have a proper conversation with mum and she was just a bit forgetful and repeated herself a bit. Is this normal for things to deteriorate so quickly??

 

[Jessbow]

sadly there is little in the way of 'treatment' for dementia, and the progression will continue at varying speeds as thinks tend to plateau then drop off again - no journey is the same.

Name everything...and when you have named everything you think of, look at the things you haven't named and realise they too will walk! Mum is as likely to pic up someone else's handbag, as someone is hers, ditto glasses ( and teeth believe it or not)


I am sure you have made the right decision, in time things will settle down and you will realise it.

She is kept safe, kept clean and fed and out of hospital, with someone on hand 24/7. How is that letting her down? They will learn about her, as you will learn about them.

Be kind to yourself- its never easy x

 

[Pixy77]

Thanks Jessbow. I am sure you are right

sadly there is little in the way of 'treatment' for dementia, and the progression will continue at varying speeds as thinks tend to plateau then drop off again - no journey is the same.

Name everything...and when you have named everything you think of, look at the things you haven't named and realise they too will walk! Mum is as likely to pic up someone else's handbag, as someone is hers, ditto glasses ( and teeth believe it or not)


I am sure you have made the right decision, in time things will settle down and you will realise it.

She is kept safe, kept clean and fed and out of hospital, with someone on hand 24/7. How is that letting her down? They will learn about her, as you will learn about them.

Be kind to yourself- its never easy x

Thanks Jessbow
I am sure you are right.
That's what I keep telling myself. She is safe now.
She certainly wasn't at home in Kent on her own

X

 

[Spamar]

Hi, many homes prefer no visitors for the first one or two weeks to allow the recent arrival time to settle in. If they haven't suggested ( I'm sure you would have said!) it may take longer.
Must iterate the importance of labelling EVERYTHING. Things nearly always go missing, labelled or not! It seems to be the default in every carehome. Don't give her anything valuable, photocopy pictures, no valuable jewellery. Think about everything, would I be upset if this goes missing? If the answer is yes, the dont take, photocopy it, get a cheap replica or what ever.
As the previous poster has said, what have you done wrong, she if fed, looked after, has regular mess if she needs them and there is always someone there to keep an eye on her. You wouldn't be able to do all that, especially as you are working. If you want a break, there is no problem.
Hope all goes well for you!

 

[love.dad.but..]

Unfortunately things do go missing but if all clothing and possessions are clearly named they will turn up as being somewhere in the home. Dementia residents pick up things and wander off with them as dad used to plus they also leave some of their possessions in other residents rooms as dad used to. It is common none of this is deliberate as we would know it just the confusion of the illness. I used to check dads room and return anything not his and report anything of his missing which would eventually turn up from wherever he squirrels it away! Don't take or leave anything that you would not want to lose, I copied treasured photos etc, be wary of leaving treasured jewellery which can't be replaced certainly leave nothing of value, enough personal things to give your mum comfort or she is obsessed as dad was with such as a purse but without money just a few coins, any unimportant cards such as library card, supermarket loyalty points card can be left in her purse to give her some identity reminders which may or not be useful. I did a photo album time line of things and people important to dad with captions so staff and visitors could chat with dad using the album as a conversation tool. It takes time for us relatives to adjust to the ways of a well run care home as well as the resident. Even without notes because of the rush the staff should be able to assess your mums needs and stage from their experience and using expertise. You can fill in any gaps by talking with the staff and writing an 'about me' for her telling them about her life, likes dislikes, triggers etc...all of this should be covered in caree care plan they should prepare with your input and your mums if she still has awareness. You have done the right thing and having her close to you means you can closely monitor her care etc., I hope the next few weeks go smoothly for you all but don't worry if she takes time to settle to a reasonable degree, that also is common, took my dad 4 months but over 2 years on he is still safe and looked after by the best care we could find at the time

 

[Kevinl]

Hi Pixy, welcome to TP
It does come as a shock when someone goes into care, as I've found out, there's a couple of things I would say for you to think about.
Your mum can be moved if you find somewhere you prefer and with an acceptable top up if necessary so you can start looking if you want. Having a look at a few homes may give you some perspective on the one she's in.
Normal is just to turn up at the home and expect to be shown round there and then, I visited 8 or 9 and they all did this, just avoid meal times.
Do a head count, ask how many residents there are in the home or on that wing then count how many staff you see as you walk round.
For my wife things like a bar, café, cinema room and all the rest are irrelevant, she's past that stage what matters are that there plenty of people to look after her, for example today when I went to feed her her evening meal, as I walked through the door one of the staff told me she was just putting the kettle on and did I want tea or coffee, again as usual I was offered a free evening meal if I wanted one.
Again, as usual, it was 9 staff to 31 residents, one qualified SRN, one RGN and 7 carers so not too stretched at meal times they have enough staff to help or feed anyone who needs it.
Wednesday they told me they'd found signs of an ear infection (a recurring problem she has), the doctor visited Thursday and put her on antibiotics started the same day.
As people have said the clothes getting mixed up and the taking of other peoples things is just a sad fact of life with AZ, my wife was asleep in someone else's room the other day, what can you do? Every 30 minutes where they are and what they're doing is documented they could show that 20 minutes earlier she'd been drinking tea in the dining room (and another visitor confirmed this when I asked him) but even with a relatively high staffing level they can't be everywhere all the time.
For me it's all about the level of care and hygiene not how the place looks.
K

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello Pixy 77, and welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your mum and that you've had to find your way here.

It sounds like you've had a lot to cope with in a very short period of time, so I imagine you might be tired, overwhelmed, and have a lot to take in and try to process.

My mother was also diagnosed with dementia (Alzheimer's and no short term memory) during a hospital stay, judged unable to return to her home (where she lived alone, 100 miles from me), and sent directly to a care home near me. I had very little time to select a care home and in the end, moved her into a place I hadn't even seen! Even here on TP it can feel difficult to admit that.

I had no idea she would be moving into a care home, no idea what to take her, or how to label things, or what to do with her home, or what Alzheimer's even was, or if she'd get the right care. I was completely at sea. And then I found TP, and other online resources, and some support groups in my area, and slowly I figured it all out. You will, too, you just need time.

It's possible you are doing neither yourself, nor your mother, any favors by working all day and then going to the care home every evening. If you can give yourself permission to take a few days off, perhaps visit during the middle of the day on a weekend or day off, and skip the evenings for a while. My mother sundowns and there is no point trying to visit her after about 3 or 4 pm, sometimes earlier.

On days you don't visit, don't hesitate to call the care home and get a report from staff. My mother's version of what she was doing in the care home was, understandably of course, quite different from what was really happening! I found this was actually a good way to begin to build relationships with the different staff members, a bonus I hadn't expected.

Depending on what type of dementia she has, and how far advanced, there may or may not be medications that might be appropriate for treatment. As I'm sure you know, dementia is a progressive disease with no cure, so unfortunately, there isn't a lot that can be done and people do get worse. I don't mean to upset you, but rather to reassure you that you have not done anything to prevent your mother getting medical care that she needs--it's not like she has a broken leg and you've forbidden anyone to set it.

In fact, you have acted in your mother's best interests by making sure she is in a place where she is safe, warm, fed regular nutritious meals, looked after, and closer to you, so you can help with her care. Those are all good things. You are not a bad person. You have done nothing wrong. You have not dumped her anywhere. You made a reasonable decision in difficult circumstances. None of this is your fault. It is the dementia's fault, not your fault.

Your mother, like mine and many other people with dementia (PWD), may benefit, whether they understand/like it or not, from the social contact and opportunities in a care home. My mother is a heck of a lot better off in a care home with things to do, than alone, anxious, miserable, not eating, dirty, and unsafe in her previous home. Because of the dementia she can't understand there is anything wrong with her (it's called anosognosia--they really can't understand it, they're not just being stubborn) and so she would rather be at home, but that's not an option now, and wasn't a good one for the last several years she lived there.

Some practical advice:

You could ask for a meeting with staff at the care home (we call it a care conference in the States) to discuss your mother's diagnosis, condition, and treatment plan. This is reasonable and another good way for you to connect with the staff and have a clearer understanding of the care they are providing for your mother.

Is there a GP who attends the patients at the care home? Or even specialists? There are, at my mother's care home. You can arrange to meet them and get their phone numbers and then you can call with questions or concerns.

Try (I know it's hard) not to sweat the missing belongings. Take a photo of your mum's glasses on your phone and give it to the staff/nurse manager/ward sister/front desk person, so they know they are your mother's, if you can't label them (glasses can be hard to mark). Make sure all her things, and I mean EVERYTHING, is labeled. There are iron-in labels for clothes, or ones you can sew in, but I just use a Sharpie or laundry marker. I can't be bothered to label socks so I buy multiples of the same kind and replace them as they go missing. (Lazy Amy, bad daughter, or just saving my energy for what counts? You decide, because I don't care!) Things that aren't clothing can be marked with a Sharpie or a sticky label or both.

If you haven't already, remove anything valuable, irreplaceable, or important. This includes jewelry, bank cards, credit cards, family photos (make a color copy and put that in a frame), anything you can't stand to lose.

Many homes have, as part of the intake paperwork, a form you fill out that tells them all sorts of things about your family member that they should know. Allergic to kiwi, loves to watch cricket, don't ever mention her mother, where she grew up, what she did for a living, favourite foods, you name it. If they don't, there is a form online I've seen links to here on TP and I can try to scare that up for you.

It's possible that your mother has had a rapid deterioration. And/or, her condition could have been made temporarily worse by being in hospital and then moving. That sort of confusion tends to sort itself out, given time. (I'd give it at least two months in the new place, to settle, before I would get concerned.) A rapid downturn can also indicate a medical problem like a stroke/TIA, or illness, or, especially with PWDs, an infection (usually a UTI [urinary tract infection] but could also be chest, sinus, or anywhere else) but I would think she would be checked for that. UTIs in particular can cause a rapid downturn and/or noticeable personality changes.

It's also possible that your mother has been declining more slowly, but seen in context, it was harder to pinpoint. There is something that we on TP call "hostess mode" and it refers to the amazing ability that many PWDs have to "hold it together" for short periods of time, and basically compensate for, or cover up, the extent of the dementia. It's really amazing how well PWDs can do this. This may have been what you were seeing when you talked to or visited your mother. (Have you cleaned out her home yet? That may give you clues about the extent of the dementia. Don't throw/give anything away that could contain anything else, even a book, until you check it for valuables!)

I learned a lot from reading all sorts of threads here on TP, new ones, old ones, and in every section. The "I care for someone with dementia" forum gets the most traffic but they all have contributors.

I also learned a lot from reading books from the library, and online. I think the UK Alzheimer's Society has the best online information. Here's a place to start, when you get time: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200120

This last bit is important: get help and support for YOU. Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep and exercise and see your doctor. Find a support group in your area. Go for walks. Talk to sympathetic friends. Don't be afraid to ask questions. When help is offered, don't think about it, don't say maybe, say YES and grab it with both hands. Don't let anyone tell you that having a person in a care home isn't really being a carer. You must look after yourself; nobody else will do it for you, and you can't take care of your mum if you don't take care of yourself.

And as far as the Guilt Monster goes? (TP's term for feeling guilty) When it shows up, poke it in the eye with a sharp stick! Or whack it on the head, whatever works for you. You have done nothing wrong, this is not your fault, you are not, not, not a bad person. You haven't time for the Guilt Monster so tell it to get lost! (All easier said than done, of course.)

Very best wishes to you and your family at a difficult time.