Moved dad over to new home

[Elise]

Last Thursday i moved dad over to the new home that was offered to us. After feeling so worried that he would not settle even though i was told that they could deal with him if he had another out burst of aggression and the worry of him having to go back to that terrible hospital. He seems to be OK and seems to like it so far. Evan after almost begging me not to take him on Thursday. I promised him that this place would look after him much better and help him on the road to recovery. I don't know if i am doing the right thing by telling him he will be well enough to come home soon with the help of the people where he is, but he seems to respond to me telling him this and the other day he said "i will be ready to come home soon won't i ?" I hope that this will help to keep his hopes up and maybe stay with me longer, but like i said i don't know if i am doing the right thing it just seem best for now. One thing i like about this place is when i ring up on the days that i can't get in i always seem to get a nice response and they are willing to talk to me and inform me that he is doing OK. At the hospital i was made to feel like a pest and there was no interest. I have noticed that i am finding it much harder to understand him and can't help thinking that as a result i am failing him in someway as i am all he really has, the one person that makes some sense in his life. He never forgets who i am, as he is beginning to do so with the rest of our family, whether this has to do with i see him almost every day or every other day, and the rest of the family are not regular in seeming him. I have to say i am so scared of him forgetting me. Yesterday he did not want to sit with me all of a sudden and would not give me a kiss goodbye and i find this hard to deal with, even though i know he does not mean it, but him forgetting who i am scares the hell out of me. At least whilst he still knows me and recognises me i still have part of him. I used to go and see him in hospital everyday and my home life with my husband and children was becoming a strain as i was never in. So i go now every other day and that is what scares me that he will think i am not there for him.

Sorry, i have gone on and on again, but had to get it off my chest am i wrong in think this way. Thanks for listening
Elise

 

[daughter]

Hi Elise,

I was glad to hear that the move went relatively smoothly and that you feel comfortable phoning your Dad's new Home on the days that you don't visit.

I can't say if you're doing the 'right' or 'wrong' thing by telling your Dad that he may be coming home soon, even if it's completely untrue. I've heard many of the residents in my Dad's Home saying about 'going home' and we've chosen not to say this because Dad's at a stage where he'd probably just head straight for the door. Your Dad may be at a point where you feel that keeping that hope alive is beneficial for him. It's horses for courses and I guess we just do what we feel is 'right' at the time.

As for your Dad forgetting who you are, you're naturally anxious and I can't say that it doesn't hurt the first time this happens. Still, I knew that it would most likely happen and so I was kind of prepared when my Dad first called me 'dear' - a term he's always reserved for kindly women stangers. It's the same thing with my Mum - Dad mostly knows who she is, some days he doesn't, some days he can't recollect her name but other times he reverts back to using our names and knows who we are. I just have to console myself that at least he feels we are kind people to him, no matter who he thinks we are.

"At least whilst he still knows me and recognises me i still have part of him." This is the hardest part and one I've yet to completely deal with myself, the not wanting to let go of who my Dad was/is/could be and maybe I never will?

I understand the guilt you're feeling about not visiting quite as often but it's good that you're taking some time for your husband and children knowing that your Dad is being looked after at the Home. It's difficult, I know, but try to be a little kinder to yourself.

All the best,

 

[Elise]

Thanks hazel for answering to me

I went to see dad today and to cut his hair as i have always done. He was much more restless than usual and again i found this hard as this was time for he and me to spend time together just chatting and laughing while cutting his hair in the past. I know its all different know and i have to adjust to the illness, but it is hard. He amazed me today by combing his hair in the way he has always done when i cut it and getting his parting just right. And later on we watched television and he seemed to be interested in what he was watching, a first in along time. Nice, but he would not let me go home without a fight telling me he had to come with me and that he did not know these people that i was leaving him with. I managed to calm him down after a while. But how sad is it when you leave them with a false hope of coming home. Yes i feel guilty but i know i have to get over it. For all our sakes.