Mother Showing Signs Of Dementia

[rrobbo]

My mother is 67 and lives in Yorkshire - my wife and I are in Ireland with two small children so just see my parents every few months. Over the last year we've noticed some signs of confusion and memory loss and discussions with friends and family have confirmed that this is the case. When my parents visited in December I persuaded my mum to see a doctor to have her memory assessed and she agreed to this. We had a very calm discussion and she accepted that there could be something wrong if so many people were highlighting an issue but she still didn't really see that anything was wrong herself. Unfortunately she pretty much forgot the discussion (I should have seen that coming of course) and I wasn't able to push her remotely. Fortunately her sister arranged a doctor's appointment, took her there and gave some input on her behaviour. This was on 8th of February and the doctor arranged a referral to a clinic (I don't know exactly what the clinic is). After pushing my dad to follow up the appointment he spoke to the clinic to find that they had no record of any request - when he told them the date that the request was made they actually found it and gave an appointment for 31st March.

So far my mother has had some confusion, i.e. obviously going into a room and not knowing where it was or why she was there. Also intermittent memory loss where she may remember one conversation from the previous day but not another. She would also constantly misplace keys and money and put things in inappropriate places, e.g. scissors in the fridge. There's also a tendency to forget to turn taps off.

I would speak to my mum at least once a week and she has always been lucid although sometimes confused about events. Today has been the most difficult conversation and prompted a lot of questions that I'm struggling to find answers to, hence the post here. My mum claimed that my dad, who lives with her, hasn't spoken to her for the last week, that she hasn't left the house at all in that time and that she hasn't spoken to anyone on the phone. When I subsequently spoke to my dad he said that she stopped talking to him for a couple of days but that he'd taken her out twice for specific things that she had to do, that she'd gone out on her own for a full day and that her sister rang her every day.

What was most concerning during the conversation was that my mum said that the only thing that she didn't understand was why she'd spent two nights away from home and that she didn't know how she got where she was but the place that she was in was laid out just like home. She says that she crept out one day when they left the door open and she came home but she wasn't sure how she got back. She said it was OK but they didn't feed her and she didn't really want to go back. This is the first time that she's said anything like this and the best I could do was try to get her not to worry about this and to say that speaking to the doctor might help her to understand what was happening.

To be honest it was very distressing and I'm concerned that I'm not doing the right things and could risk making things worse. I've tried reading through the various factsheets but not found anything that I've been able to translate into advice about what to do. I feel that mentally my mum is standing on the edge of a cliff and that there's nothing I can do to pull her back. Does this scenario sound familiar to anyone? Any advice would be welcome. Should we be trying to push for her appointment to take place earlier or are we likely getting as good a service as we should expect? What should I be saying to my mum in the meantime - simply try to reassure her and make her feel comfortable or try to correct the things that are wrong and risk worrying her even more that she's losing her grip on reality?

Apologies if the answers are out there and I just haven't looked hard enought to find them.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point

You've asked a number of questions and I'm going to attempt to give you some answers (although these may not be definitive since everyone's experience is different).

I suspect the clinic your mother has been referred to is a memory clinic. These are normally responsible for monitoring people how have memory problems and possibly prescribing medication.

I doubt you would be able to get a much earlier appointment, nor would it "probably" do much good. In truth, your fears about making the situation worse may be valid in that what you say may make her more upset, but it is unlikely to affect the overall progression of the disease, if she does have dementia. My personal view is that you should do whatever you can to relieve her anxiety (and that includes lying) since that will 1) make her feel better about herself 2) and if she is less worried then she may improve a little and finally 3) forcing the truth upon her is pointless and maybe even cruel.

The belief that she has been somewhere that is an exact duplicate of home may (repeat may) be a manifestation of Capgras Syndrome. I don't know if it helps to have a name, but if she starts believing that your father (for example) has been replaced by an exact double that would tend to lead to such a diagnosis. Not that it really helps: it is another manifestation of the dementia.

Does your mother have any other health issues (hypertension for example)? The "being quiet" for a couple of days almost sounds like the aftermath of a stroke or a seizure, and these are more common in people with heart conditions.

Take care