Mother not recognising her husband

[Popey]

Many thanks for your replies, feels great to be able to chat on here.

We have an adult social worker coming round to meet my Mother-in-law and I’ll be there too tomorrow. I did call her up first to explain the situation as was worried that she’s be told no help is needed and everything is fine! No idea how my Mother-in-law will react, but I feel she’ll get really angry and defensive. We’ve called Home Instead to arrange a weekly carer to help her husband a few times each week, but it’s costly at £25 per hour. I’m in the process of helping complete the attendance allowance, but feel it’ll be worthwhile getting another assessment from the memory clinic first and involve the Mental Health team before submitting it.

Thanks for the practical advice. We’ll definitely call 111 in future. Are they helpful the other end, or is it just good to call to track the issues?

We’ll also try playing along with the stories. I’ll send those ideas to my Father-in-law. He finds it incredibly hard and gets very frustrated.

Thanks again

 

[Mandy76]

Hi Mandy 76,

I have just joined the forum and found your posts. My Mother-in-law has exactly the same issues as you have been describing and today has been the worse day with her threatening to kill herself if her husband (who she doesn’t believe to be her husband) doesn’t take her home (she’s in the home she’s lived in for 35 years! I was wondering if you’d had any advice that you’ve found has helped since you last posted. Many thanks

Hi Popey

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is a nightmare, isn't it! Since I last posted on this thread, things have escalated and my mother is now in hospital in the old people's locked psychiatric ward.

She just became totally unmanageable at home, in a state of near constant delusion and terror, all based on looking for deceased relatives, thinking my dad is her own dad/brothers or a strange man in the house. She also did not recognise the house and was terrified of being there. She would be literally shaking and howling and crying in terror.

She was far too distressed to be left at home so we called the memory clinic and they sent two nurses to the house to collect her and take her into hospital. So she has been there three weeks so far.

Her medication has not been adjusted but being in a different environment has helped. She now recognises me and my dad when we visit (at home 90% of the time she did not recognise us) and she is not as terror stricken. She is still delusional though and does not realise that she is in hospital. She thinks it is a prison, an airport, train station, bus depot, workplace, hotel, cruise ship - she is just so confused and cannot form a coherent thought in her wee head.

When she was at home we tried all the techniques recommended by others here, like saying that it's too cold to go out so we will stay here tonight and go home tomorrow, taking her in the car and driving about then returning to the house and saying "here we are, back home!" but none of this worked - she just got angrier and angrier and threated to smash my dad's face in with a wooden stake.

Her psychiatric needs are too complex to be managed at home so that is why we had to have her taken to hospital. We don't know yet if she will be going straight to a care home, but we are meeting a social worker this afternoon to get their advice.

I know this isn't very helpful for you, but we found that nothing worked and no medication made any difference. We just had to get her taken to hospital for her own sake.

 

[annielou]

My mum mixes me up most of the time now too. Its distressing for her and me. You and your mum and dad have my sympathy x
Mum started calling me mum at night when getting ready for bed and it was easy to go along with. She'd also forget who i was in day sometimes, she'd say I wasnt me or my sister I was the other one. She was happy for me to be there and sort of aware I was someone important to her just not sure who, so that was copeable with.
Then I started being called an old friend and asked about Andrea (me) at first it wasnt too bad, but I then became this other friend from around 30 year ago most of the time and constantly being asked where our Andrea (me) was.
My house is often the friends, my husband the friends husband, but it is very difficult to deal with now as she gets very agitated and aggressive wanting to call me while I'm there and constantly asking questions of me and my husband and also my sister when she visits who I am but then insisting I am not me. She tries to catch me out by asking things I wouldnt know if not me but still doesnt believe me and can go on for hours.
A few times hubby and I have taken mum to our house amd she has known who we are when we set off but when got there she has knocked on door and wandered round looking for me telling me I'm friend and shouldn't be in Andreas house then thinking it friends house too and we need to take her to Andreas.
She says we are doing it to torment her and trap her when we wont take her to Andreas. She puts her coat, shoes etc on and tries to leave, thinks she can find own way home despite thinking she still live in childhood home with her mum. When we try to get her to stay she gets really angry.
Distraction does not work, going along with it doesnt work either as often she slips back for a few moments and then thinks we're lying and pretending to be friend to upset her while also accussing me of not being me either.
Its very hard to deal with and I hope you and your dad find some way to help you cope and to settle mum x

 

[annielou]

Just saw your latest post pop up as I posted mine. Sorry to hear your mum is in hospital but good that she is recognising you and dad more now and being looked after. I hope your meeting with social worker goes well and your mum gets care sorted x

 

[Mandy76]

Just saw your latest post pop up as I posted mine. Sorry to hear your mum is in hospital but good that she is recognising you and dad more now and being looked after. I hope your meeting with social worker goes well and your mum gets care sorted x

Thanks Annielou - I read your other post about your mum thinking you were the friend and going on and on about it. It is just such a terrible situation. My mother would think that I am her sister or the "other" Mandy 90% of the time and would not believe I was really me. When we brought her to my house she would think it was her sisters house and that I was the sister. I ended up having to show her my passport and other papers with my name on them to prove I was me!

Although she is not upset that I am the sister, she likes her sister, the problem is she is frantically looking for the "real" me and is hunting round the house, looking in cupboards, under tables, trying to find me. She does the same with my dad when she thinks he is her father or brothers. She gets into such a terrible state. Then when she finally recognises me again, she starts frantically looking for the sister! We cannot produce the real sister as she is in a care home with Alzheimers but my mum has totally forgotten about that.

My dad is terrified that she is going to be parachuted back home from hospital and we end up back at square one. He is a very calm and patient person, but he is elderly and cannot cope with her delusions and aggression towards him. The hospital are not seeing her like that as she is not nearly as bad in there as she is at home. We will just have to wait to see what they say. The doctor was on holiday over Christmas so has not had a chance to really assess her yet, but we met with her before she went on holiday and she listened to the issues we were having at home and we gave her a typed list of it so she can take it on board. I'm off to the social worker meeting in about 20 minutes so I will update on here tomorrow.

 

[annielou]

That is just what mum does too. I showed her my facebook cover photo which has me, sis and mum on, she agreed it was us but said i didnt look like person on photo. We've pointed to photos in her house of us but still doesnt believe us. Showed her bills at my house with my name and address on and shes rung my mobile number from her phone memory and also did it by punching numbers in herself from her address book and when she can hear my mobile ring and I show her display saying mum home calling she still wont believe it.
When she does she is convinced friend has been before and looks in address book for friends number which she hasnt got anymore. But still nothing comvinces her.
I hope SS and dr sort something for your mum and understand the situation fully, how it is when at worst not just as it is now in the hospital. Good luck X

 

[Mandy76]

Well we had our social work meeting at the hospital yesterday. The SW was lovely and is the same one that visited my parents at home in November. It was the first time I had met her. She was really just there as a family support worker and to see how my mum was getting on in the hospital.

But before I got there, my dad had been called to the nurses office on his arrival at visiting time and told that she has been assessed as unfit to go home, and also unfit for a care home. They said that a care home would not have enough medical staff to deal with her delusions and distress. So next week she is to be transferred to a specialist NHS dementia hospital. This may be permanent or if they can settle her distress she may move again to a care home, but they are unsure at this point. This is the same dementia hospital that her sister is in (the sister my mum thinks I am).

Luckily the dementia hospital is only 5 minutes away from both me and my dad - it is half way from his place to mine so better for visiting than the current hospital she is in. That is still only 20 minutes but sometimes the traffic is quite heavy. So although it's horrible that she is in a position to require that type of care in the first place, it is a relief that the issues are taken seriously and they are seeing how bad she is and arranging appropriate care for her.

When the social worker was speaking to her, my mum was telling her that she was at her workplace - she had no awareness that she was in hospital, so the SW could see for herself that she has lost capacity and there was no question of me or my dad being expected to be carers.

 

[annielou]

Sounds like the meeting really was looking at your mums best interests rather than what budgets and procedures allowed which is good.
It is sad your mum needs specialist hospital care but good this has been recognised and provided.
I hope your mum settles and you and your dad can visit and things be more settled for you all. X

 

[Mandy76]

Sounds like the meeting really was looking at your mums best interests rather than what budgets and procedures allowed which is good.
It is sad your mum needs specialist hospital care but good this has been recognised and provided.
I hope your mum settles and you and your dad can visit and things be more settled for you all. X

We will see the social worker again, maybe today, to discuss the move to the other hospital and how my mum will cope with it. The SW was saying that people's wishes are taken into account but ultimately what is best for them comes first. Obviously if asked what she wants to do, my mum will say she wants to go home, but she would sit and say that when she was at home, so we can't let that cloud anyone's judgement as to where she should go.

I won't rest easy until she is actually transferred there to make sure it definitely happens and there won't be some last minute change and she is sent home if she refuses to go to the new place.

Like your mum, she was not able to make sense of who is who and where is where and was in great distress.

Annielou, what is being done to help your mum? Is she getting support from any authorities or is it left to you and your family?

 

[annielou]

We will see the social worker again, maybe today, to discuss the move to the other hospital and how my mum will cope with it. The SW was saying that people's wishes are taken into account but ultimately what is best for them comes first. Obviously if asked what she wants to do, my mum will say she wants to go home, but she would sit and say that when she was at home, so we can't let that cloud anyone's judgement as to where she should go.

I won't rest easy until she is actually transferred there to make sure it definitely happens and there won't be some last minute change and she is sent home if she refuses to go to the new place.

Like your mum, she was not able to make sense of who is who and where is where and was in great distress.

Annielou, what is being done to help your mum? Is she getting support from any authorities or is it left to you and your family?

Fingers crossed all goes ahead as planned with mums move X

I've been in touch with mums memory support worker at memory clinic and she rang today and says has filled form in to pass on to a nurse who will be in touch to talk about things with mum and me to see if anything to help. I'm assuming she'll do a medication review as that was mentioned on first call i made to them last week.
My sister also got in touch with SS last week to ask for reassesent and they rang me back yesterday for details to put on reassessment form and said will be in touch to reassess her in next 28 days.
Mum refused carers last time she was assessed a couple of months ago though and still thinks doesnt needs any help so not sure what will happen there.

 

[Mandy76]

It

Fingers crossed all goes ahead as planned with mums move X

I've been in touch with mums memory support worker at memory clinic and she rang today and says has filled form in to pass on to a nurse who will be in touch to talk about things with mum and me to see if anything to help. I'm assuming she'll do a medication review as that was mentioned on first call i made to them last week.
My sister also got in touch with SS last week to ask for reassesent and they rang me back yesterday for details to put on reassessment form and said will be in touch to reassess her in next 28 days.
Mum refused carers last time she was assessed a couple of months ago though and still thinks doesnt needs any help so not sure what will happen there.

It is so difficult when they refuse help and don't realise that there is a problem. As far as your mum is concerned, nothing is out of the ordinary so why would she need help? My mother is the same - she doesn't have a clue that she is ill and has no recollection at all of anything that has happened and how she was behaving. Even now that she is sitting in the hospital, she thinks she is fine and says that she doesn't feel ill at all. According to her, she is at the airport or a workplace!!

Well I hope your social services are back in touch before too long. 28 days is an eternity when you are going through this ordeal!