Mother has Dementia, why is it bad to correct demtia people?

[PhillyG76]

Ive read on a few sites that you should never correct demtia
People. I understand they can feel embarassed. But one thing my mum always says is anout tower blocks being knocked down in the village we live in. I say theres nevwr been tower blocks. And sometimes she says she maybe thinking of some other tall building like the private hospital. But sje never looks incomfortable when I tell her. But i just feel it may not be good letting people always think theyre right. She hasnt been outside much for last few years as she strugglwd walkig to far. Other regukar things she ised to say was relatives who live far away and not seen for a while have died. But the way she says it, it’s like she knows it’s not real, no sadness or emotion. Fortunately shes not said this last two years. But did wonder if itd be a good idea seeing her cousin, her sister lives in America, and younger nrother died three yesrs ago, so just her cousin and her older brother. I think because shes not seen anyone for ages, maybe she’s imagining things. But wonder if taking her back to Derby would be a nad idea? One thing I
Notice is in the winter is when she is worse. If she goes in the garden in warm weather, she seems to sleep earlier times, in winter, shell stay up really late and sleep
Most of day. I think the long sleeps may cause these odd thoughts. Sorry benting off steam. But any suggestions and do/dont do, greatly appreciated. Im the kinda guy who thinks anything can be fixed. But slowly realisong maybe just try calm things?

 

[Angelsoul]

I understand the frustration. Correcting my mum now doesn't go down well. I'm learning to ignore it and just say ...oh ok. It's hard.
My mums sleep was all over the place. Up and down stairs all night, I've switched to de caf Tea/ coffee and has since slept so much better. Keeping fingers crossed this continues.

 

[canary]

Hi @PhillyG76

Most people with dementia get upset/angry if you correct their delusions which is why the advice is not to correct them. If your mum is happy to accept being corrected then this is fine, but if she starts getting upset then you will have to re-think things.

 

[MowgliGirl02]

I was guilty of trying to correct my mum on things at first. But only up until I noticed just how upset it made her, towards the end when I did it accidentally, it even made her angry. Sometimes it’s better to remember to live in their world, it’s what’s best for them.
Remember you are not alone. ❤️

 

[Lawson58]

I am not sure that it matters in the whole scale of things. So your mum says things that are wrong and these maybe due to confusion about all sorts of things, such as something she may have seen on TV. She’s not going to remember much even if you do correct her so don’t let it bother you.

As she hasn’t been outside much in the last few years, she probably has lost her connection with real world, at least the world as she remembers it.

Save your breath for more important things.

 

[Tavy]

I'm a bit confused as my OH who has VD insists that she can use the bus, go for walks on her own and other matters, If I disagree with her for her safety, she turns very angry and quite stroppy, so whats the answer.
I appreciate all your comments, thank you,

 

[Kevinl]

It's about you learning to live in their world when they can no longer live in ours.
For me (as a carer) you can fight all the battles you want, but you will lose the war.
Correcting a child is education, correcting someone with dementia is confrontation, that's the difference.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but you're managing decline not asendency, whole different ball game. K

 

[Tavy]

Hi Kevini, and thank you for the prompt reply.
Yes you are spot on, I suppose I just needed someone to put me right.
Stay safe.
Yavy

 

[Kevinl]

More than welcome, it is what it is and you can't make it better,. Peace and love from an aging hippie. K

 

[canary]

I'm a bit confused as my OH who has VD insists that she can use the bus, go for walks on her own and other matters, If I disagree with her for her safety, she turns very angry and quite stroppy, so whats the answer.
I appreciate all your comments, thank you,

If she is just saying that she is perfectly capable of it, then Id just make neutral comments like "oh, OK then", but if she is saying that she is actually going out now, then rather than saying that she cant because she isnt safe (which will only make her angry because she knows that shes perfectly capable of doing it) come up with some other "reason" why she shouldnt. Perhaps it looks like rain, or its too hot/too cold to go out now. or its going to be getting dark soon, or you are just about to put the kettle on and perhaps she could have a cuppa first, or she will miss her dinner, or anything else that would sound reasonable to her.

You wont be able to bring her back into reality, so you will have to enter her world and come up with an excuse that fits her reality

 

[wurrienot]

I used to argue with dad when he made what I could see were ridiculous statements. He'd get angry, I'd get upset and chaos would reign. I've learnt to make none committal statements such as 'really', 'oh', 'well I never '. Sometimes he will say he thinks he might have dreamed it and often he fizzles out half way through what he's telling me when he realises it sounds unlikely. Life is much easier without the constant arguments and in the scheme of things, what does it matter.

 

[JenGrey]

I'm quite well tuned in now to what I can disagree with and what is better to just say okay to. My mum likes to have a discussion and if it works out well she says somethings along the lines of - oh I didn't know that or I'll bear that in mind, or that's interesting or whatever. She feels she's had a normal conversation and learnt something, so all's well.

She'll immediately forget, of course, but I think a blanket 'never disagree' is demeaning if there's potential scope for a discussion. Of course if it always leads to stress then it's fine to go along with it.

I think it depends on the individual and just because it is said by an expert doesn't make it always correct.

 

[Kevinl]

Personally I'd just used get out a microwaveable meal for one into cook it she would get 2 knives and forks out.the drawer suddenly she was hungry too.
Working with not fighting against, end of half a ready and still hungry, we just did it allover again.
Nutrition is important, up there with hygiene, doing it together makes it so much easier where possible. K

 

[OnwardsUpwards]

I am not sure that it matters in the whole scale of things. So your mum says things that are wrong and these maybe due to confusion about all sorts of things, such as something she may have seen on TV. She’s not going to remember much even if you do correct her so don’t let it bother you.

As she hasn’t been outside much in the last few years, she probably has lost her connection with real world, at least the world as she remembers it.

Save your breath for more important things.

Absolutely this - so what if your loved one misremembers things or gets confused, or asks you the same thing they have done 3 times in the last hour? Once you accept it life gets a whole lot easier 💜

 

[Toopie28]

Ma used to go on rants when she was at home and try to leave the house by herself.
I remember a time that she wanted to leave and I used every excuse (I was sick and couldn't go with her). From: yes, you can go yourself but please don't leave me or wait for me and change subject or wait, let me find the keys (that I had hidden). But Ma was like a dog with a bone. She would go off on a tangent and bang on the door and accuse me of everything to then getting exhausted and napping for a couple of hours to just start again.
Sometimes this went on for 2 days and nothing could change it. Then she would forget. I wouldn't, I'd be a mess.
I won't agree if she says I or someone else is trying to kill her or do her harm. I just say, you're safe.
I won't agree if she says someone is stealing or doing something bad - I do deflect and put it on me.

I suppose it's whatever is easier for you. They are going to forget.
So do I stress and argue or agree and stress and wait for it to pass. Most times I just agree... cuz there's always something else.