Mother 'gone away' for the night?!

[sparklestars]

Aaaagh - what's going on...? Mother hasn't been diagnosed but has had a 'crisis' since Christmas....acting strangely, called the Police out for nothing, changed the locks and accused me of stealing/sneaking in and moving things around in the house. Also made a number of other (false!) allegations about me and to me.

I'd texted her today, she was supposed to come round at 5.45pm (won't let me go there because I keep 'stealing' things ). She didn't turn up, I texted her - she replied "Gm nxt at home il be round to6rrw tho went away overnight for a change didntgnkud expect me tmight" which I am translating as "I'm not at home I'll be round tomorrow though went away overnight for a change didn't think you'd expect me tonight" (her texting has deteriorated massively over the last few months). I texted her neighbour to see if he knew she was away (he keeps an eye on things to some extent) and he replied "Yes she sent me a text this morning to say she had gone away for the night. She must have suddenly made the decision."

This is hugely out of character for her (normally can't drag herself off the sofa at night due to tiredness, aches and pains) and though I've asked where she's gone a couple of times she has avoided telling me.

I would have been overjoyed if I thought she was just suddenly finding her independence and 'doing stuff' - but in light of how she's been/what's been happening the last few weeks I am worried and just don't know what to do?! Assuming she's been able to arrange it herself and go then maybe it's just okay....but then I do feel she is hugely vulnerable....but the GP seemed to think there was 'no problem'....has anyone got any ideas as I'm a little lost

She must have booked it and driven there herself - but as she is still going on about being 'sad' that I thought it was okay to steal stuff from her/move it around then I know she is still paranoid/delusional and that is not 'normal' for her.

Any ideas or thoughts welcome!!

Many thanks.

 

[Tin]

Have you thought about if a friend or other family have invited her for a stay and also that they may have picked her up. Anyone you can think of that might do this? Or are you saying she has a car and this has gone?

 

[sparklestars]

Have you thought about if a friend or other family have invited her for a stay and also that they may have picked her up. Anyone you can think of that might do this? Or are you saying she has a car and this has gone?

I walked past her house to check - her car has gone

I've sent her 4 texts in the last 2 hours and she's not replied....I have wondered if she's just staying at a friends for the night....I hope so....if she has managed to book and drive to a hotel for the night then I am stunned but really do not understand what is going on with her

 

[Tin]

If hotel bookings for the odd night away was her normal, then suppose its possible, but more likely she has been invited to stay with a friend. Probably been having a good moan to a friend and friend has then invited her for a break. Hope that is the case, but don't think any of this will help you sleep tonight will it? Are there any clues in her house, something written on a calendar or note at side of phone?

 

[sparklestars]

If hotel bookings for the odd night away was her normal, then suppose its possible, but more likely she has been invited to stay with a friend. Probably been having a good moan to a friend and friend has then invited her for a break. Hope that is the case, but don't think any of this will help you sleep tonight will it? Are there any clues in her house, something written on a calendar or note at side of phone?

Thanks for replying Tin....it's massively out of character....never done anything like this before...don't imagine it is a friend, she doesn't have many and (according to a neighbour) she left this morning. I can't get in the house to check as she changed the locks last week and won't give me keys due to my habit of 'stealing' and 'moving things around' Never mind the fact it was me that found her on the floor 2 years ago and called the ambulance as she'd been there nearly 24 hours....

You're spot on - I don't think I will be sleeping much tonight

 

[AlsoConfused]

I think I'd be inclined to ring up the police, give them details of the car registration and a recent photo of your Mum and ask them to keep an eye out for her as she's vulnerable and acting out of character.

Hopefully you'll soon find your Mum, perfectly safe, comfortable and not understanding why you've got so het up about her.

 

[sparklestars]

I think I'd be inclined to ring up the police, give them details of the car registration and a recent photo of your Mum and ask them to keep an eye out for her as she's vulnerable and acting out of character.

Hopefully you'll soon find your Mum, perfectly safe, comfortable and not understanding why you've got so het up about her.

Thanks for the response AlsoConfused....do you think...?

I don't know what to do - the thing is, I don't think anyone except me and the WPC she called out at Christmas believe she is vulnerable She saw the GP a few days ago who gave her a short 10 question memory test which she apparently 'passed' and he said he was 'signing her off' as she was fine....I do believe her when she told me that as whatever is happening to her is very hidden....she's on full 'hostess mode' with everyone else

 

[BR_ANA]

So you are a daughter worried about an unusual behaviour of your mother. She may be at risk or not. I would inform the police.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Tin]

Any news? Hope you got some sleep last night.

 

[canary]

I was wondering if there was any news too.
I do hope your mum is OK.

 

[sparklestars]

Thank you for asking. She finally texted late last night, just before I was about to phone the Police - the text as it read was "G mya made a mistake i make many so ill see u both tomorrow" which I presume means "I may have made a mistake I make many so I'll see you both tomorrow".

I spent a fairly sleepless night, texted her twice this morning with no response. I've literally just had a text from her, asking me if I want her to make some pasta for my daughter tonight as if nothing's happened

She's said nothing about where she's been or what she's been doing but at least I know she is still alive. I will try and find out more tonight - IF she turns up this time

Thanks for asking and for your concern Tin and Canary

 

[Jessbow]

If she does it again ( I hope she doesn't, what a worry) try phoning her fro a mobile/landline that she doesn't recognise. She may then answer if she's being obtuse with you.

 

[nicoise]

Do you and your Mum have an iPhone? You can set a tracker to find the phone linked to your own phone, which might help if this becomes more frequent.

Perhaps also have an up to date photo of her and her car to give identifying information to the Police if she goes AWOL again - it is something the police do frequently.

 

[Shedrech]

what a worry sparklestars thank goodness you've heard from her; I hope she did turn up later and you were able to piece together an explanation

any chance of checking the mileage on the car to see how far she went? - might be worth keeping a regular record - good idea to take photos of the car, and several photos of your mum in different clothes eg indoor and outdoor) so you have up to date ID available

is the neighbour you spoke to helpful, as if ever she disappears again you might ask them to call her, say a package has been delivered and when will she be back as they're wondering what to do with it (or any other excuse) - or might they just engage her in chit chat, get some info and let you know

just being suspicious, as you did check the house; did she really go anywhere as might have been a fantasy?? though I know you said the car wasn't there

any chance of you or someone filching a key to her house if you ever get a chance (the old spy movie imprint of a key in putty comes to mind)

best wishes

 

[sparklestars]

If she does it again ( I hope she doesn't, what a worry) try phoning her fro a mobile/landline that she doesn't recognise. She may then answer if she's being obtuse with you.

Thank you Jessbow - yes I will try that...it's sometimes difficult to speak to her if she is one of her paranoid moods sigh.

 

[sparklestars]

Do you and your Mum have an iPhone? You can set a tracker to find the phone linked to your own phone, which might help if this becomes more frequent.

Perhaps also have an up to date photo of her and her car to give identifying information to the Police if she goes AWOL again - it is something the police do frequently.

Thanks for replying nicoise - she just has a basic 'old fashioned' phone not a smartphone....but yes I may see if I can find a tracking device to slip on the car if possible.

I will make sure I have some recent photos handy 'just in case'

 

[sparklestars]

what a worry sparklestars thank goodness you've heard from her; I hope she did turn up later and you were able to piece together an explanation

any chance of checking the mileage on the car to see how far she went? - might be worth keeping a regular record - good idea to take photos of the car, and several photos of your mum in different clothes eg indoor and outdoor) so you have up to date ID available

is the neighbour you spoke to helpful, as if ever she disappears again you might ask them to call her, say a package has been delivered and when will she be back as they're wondering what to do with it (or any other excuse) - or might they just engage her in chit chat, get some info and let you know

just being suspicious, as you did check the house; did she really go anywhere as might have been a fantasy?? though I know you said the car wasn't there

any chance of you or someone filching a key to her house if you ever get a chance (the old spy movie imprint of a key in putty comes to mind)

best wishes

Thanks for replying Shedrech - I will get photos of the car too....I realised the other night I didn't know the registration off by hear so I'll make sure I get that too!

I did find out where she went - a nearby town apparently, she just walked in and asked if they had a room. Apparently she thought she might feel 'better' if she wasn't at home and said she 'dreads' going back to the house. Though in the end she didn't feel better....she said she had an awful night's sleep and felt worse.

I did check the car had gone because it also occurred to me she might be sitting in the house 'thinking' she was away!! I don't know if anyone has a spare key now for me to get a copy off it!

Apparently, the neighbour has now had enough (not at all surprised) and has handed everything back to her and told her his own health prevents him from doing anything else. So, she is on her own with paperwork/bills etc which she has no idea with and doesn't trust me with it...

 

[Tin]

Not right is it? you are now left with all the worry and stress, dealing with the if, what and where, with no direct route to check on her. Do you think she is still safe to drive? maybe the time is coming soon when you will have to 'sabotage' the car to stop any more unscheduled trips, but then again at this stage in your relationship and her dementia, that could cause chaos and extra stress for you.

 

[sparklestars]

Not right is it? you are now left with all the worry and stress, dealing with the if, what and where, with no direct route to check on her. Do you think she is still safe to drive? maybe the time is coming soon when you will have to 'sabotage' the car to stop any more unscheduled trips, but then again at this stage in your relationship and her dementia, that could cause chaos and extra stress for you.

Thank you Tin - no, it is wrong - very, very wrong

I absolutely don't think she is safe to drive, I informed the GP of that in the long letter I wrote him about my concerns....he did a quick 10 question memory test and apparently decided she was 'fine' (I do believe that's the truth of what happened)!! I think she would just call someone out to fix the car (and pay them anything at all they asked for it!) and it unfortunately wouldn't be possible to do as the car's parked right by her lounge window ugh. Plus the fact, apart from letting the air out of the tyres I would not have a clue how to do it lol.

 

[Shedrech]

oh my sparklestars
is there another GP at the surgery who may take your, very real imo, concerns on board
to me what your mum has done is a form of the wandering we read a lot about on TP; that compulsion to go, go somewhere, go immediately, to find somewhere that is 'home', somewhere that is without the dementia (I appreciate your mum hasn't been diagnosed, but that is what you are fearing); the difference is that your mum is still physically able to drive the car so her wandering is not on foot, so could end up anywhere - this reads like an explanation many PWD can't give

Apparently she thought she might feel 'better' if she wasn't at home and said she 'dreads' going back to the house. Though in the end she didn't feel better

sorry, not meaning to make things feel worse - her actions, are calling out for someone to help
if dementia is at play, your mum is one of those high functioning folk who sail through the 'mini' test but whose inabilities may well show up in the longer, more thorough testing, and with more careful questioning
any chance of rifling through her handbag for a key - would you be able to nick it, copy it (quick scoot out to get more milk) and get it back if someone else keeps her busy?
I don't blame the neighbour for wanting to step away - just wondering again; might he write out what he has noticed, what worries him as the person living next to your mum, so that you can pass this on to a GP and consultant Hopefully there will be one, one day) - it might make the GP think again - and your mum need never know
best wishes