Money anxieties

[Boldredrosie]

I've already posted about Ma's obsessional nature but I really am at the end of my tether and worried that I shall lose my temper with her if her constant going on about her Halifax account continues.

Ma lost her passbook (or misplaced it) a while back. As a precaution I moved the bulk of the money in that account into another one in case she'd lost it out of the house. Since March, despite my assurances, bank statements etc, she has every day, usually late a night, asked me what 'I've' done with her book, can she have her passport to go to the bank. On and on and on. The Royal Bank of Scotland, who unhelpfully keep sending her completely unintelligible investment info instead of to me as PoA, is now part of her obsession.

I've spent this lunch hour with both these banks, having them update accounts, print out statements and hand write little notes to her say, 'All's in order with your account', which I'll give to her tonight. But beyond that I don't know what I'm going to do. As she lost her passport earlier this year and getting a new one was far from straight forward there's no way I can risk giving it to her.

How do I stop her going on? I recognise that this ceaseless obsession has it's roots in deep insecurity but it's clear to me her dementia has progressed to such a degree she can't understand when I tell her she's nothing to worry about financially. How do I instil a sense of security to someone who no longer understands the thing she's so worried about?

 

[Noorza]

You have as much chance of stopping her as you do of stopping the tide with a feather duster.

It's an impossible task. Stop wasting your time justifying yourself just say "It's all fine Mum, I have it taken care of" and change the subject.

Once a person has an idea in their heads, no matter how wrong that it, then it is their truth. You can't fight it, so you have to find other ways of dealing with it. You are dealing with mum's fears as if mum's fears were from some rational place, then your rational response would work.

But your mum's fears are from an irrational place so you can't fight them, acknowledge them and change the subject.

 

[Boldredrosie]

But that's the point. I can't change the subject, she won't let me. Even if I walk away from her she goes on about it. She comes into my bedroom to wake me up about it.

 

[Noorza]

But that's the point. I can't change the subject, she won't let me. Even if I walk away from her she goes on about it. She comes into my bedroom to wake me up about it.

Oh my how draining for you.


How about you change the account to one with Power of Attorney Only to sign, so even if your mum loses the passbook no one can make her sign anything as the building society won't give it to her, then give her the passbook.

If the building society do let anyone else withdraw on her account they are liable.

Would that work do you think. Only you would be able to get money out and not your mum?

Do you have PoA?

 

[nitram]

Try telling her that all bank accounts have changed now that things are done by computers and that passbooks have been stopped for security reasons. Show her a statement proving that she still has the money.

Surprisingly people with dementia can sometimes latch onto statements like that, maybe they see it as a way to make them stop worrying, it's somehow different to trying to reason.

 

[Onlyme]

If it is her comfort blanket to have various paying in books etc (old ones, statements etc) to hand can you get a bright box file, label it and put all the info in it? Every time she asks pick up the box and show then put it on her lap, by her chair etc.

I knows it's a long shot but it might be worth a go. MIL would ring all the time asking if she had any money. She was better off than us!

Ps. Red us supposed to be the best colour with dementia so perhaps a red box?

 

[Fed Up]

Simple but subversive, give her a bank card and account but only keep a few quid in it. Computers allow for internet banking say she's on it everyone is these days etc and when she asks say I'll look if its like our banks sight the figures are small and she might be happy with that.

My advice lie she is in a moment that is stuck you'll have a breakdown trying to convince her of anything, so all you can do is try to be inventive for your piece of mind.

 

[Hedgy]

First of all, I am sorry to hear things have been like this... I have the same problem with my gran. As someone said, once they get the idea in their heads, it becomes their truth.

Let me share a story from my experience... I once had to leave and go abroad to continue with my studies, while gran stayed with my dad... Despite a lot of preparation and talking about it, my departure came as a great shock to her. As soon as my plane took off, gran could no longer find the money that we both put into her wallet (and confirmed it about 3 times before I left), got really agitated and (!) nearly called the police asking them to hold me in customs, as I've presumably run away with all of her money... Only when dad called the ambulance for some sedation she did calm down.

She has no recollection of this, yet the mistrust for me has been there ever since. I only wish nothing similar ever happens to you, it was... very sad.

I think for people with dementia their money means their security. Once our loved ones realize they are no longer capable of some things, they lose their confidence and are terrified. In my case, for instance, gran lost her sense of security when I left... The money issues came up immediately after.

In terms of what you could do... Well, from my experience, nothing really works. As someone said, ignorance is bliss, although you've said changing the topic doesn't work... If you can, show or tell her something that would reassure her. Or maybe even write down her balance and stick it in a visible place, perhaps that would help? You would just need to repeatedly tell her that you've checked it, and that it's still the same.

I hope you find a way (actually, do let me know, as I'm struggling with this, too!)... Take care x