Missing talking to mum

[elizabethsdaugh]

I haven't posted in a long time. Mum is settled in a care home and things are ticking along, but yesterday I heard some sad news about a relative and it feels like someone has pulled a rug from under my feet.

A family member called yesterday evening to tell me one of their adult children is seriously ill. My first thought was what will mum say followed swiftly by the thought that she can't know, I'm not sure she would be able to understand and if she did she'd be distressed.

Mum was always in the thick of family stuff and pre dementia we'd have spent yesterday evening talking it through. I had no idea how much I would miss that. I'm not very close to the person who is ill so it's a bit of an overreaction, but it made me think about just how alone I am.

 

[Bunpoots]

I remember the first time I realised I would never be able to talk to my late mum again in any meaningful way once the dementia set in. I can empathise with you @elizabethsdaugh

 

[lemonjuice]

Can relate to that feeling of not being able to discuss as one used to be able to do.

In the end during thse last 3 years when my mum became totally unresponsive I even gave up talking to her about the family celebrations, as it just distressed me as re-dementia she'd kept asking constantly if her grandsons had 'found a nice girl yet'. By the time they did, became engaged, married and produced great-grand-children she had no interaction at all.

 

[Witzend]

That stage went on so long with my mother, I did get used to it eventually and it stopped being a source of grief, just a sad fact.
There was no,point in telling her about daughter's wedding or new baby, or showing her pictures - she had no interest in that or anything else, and no longer understood who I was talking about.

When daughter brought her new baby in to see great-granny, it was the staff and (some of) the other residents only who were interested! My mother could barely even wake up. We did take some photos of her with the baby but TBH my poor mother was in such a pitiful state by then, it's very sad to look at them.

I couldn't help remembering an incident so many years previously, when that daughter was a very small baby and my mother had her own mother (with dementia) staying with her.
She looked from the baby to her own mother and said, 'How does one of these, turn into one of those?'

 

[lemonjuice]

Your length of time at that unaware stage seems similar to my own Witzend.

We did take some photos of her with the baby but TBH my poor mother was in such a pitiful state by then, it's very sad to look at them.

this was one reason we never took any pictures. I just knew I wouldn't ever want to slook at them and see 'in print' just how poorly my mother was.

I couldn't help remembering an incident so many years previously, when that daughter was a very small baby and my mother had her own mother (with dementia) staying with her.
She looked from the baby to her own mother and said, 'How does one of these, turn into one of those?'

This made me cry.
I find that comparison with the elderly and the young, both operating at similar stages, yet one such a cause of joy and the other a cause of sadness, to be so poignant.

 

[Amethyst59]

It was only the other day that I was saying to my daughter how the loss of a Mum is like no other loss. It has taken a few years for me to be able to remember mum with a smile, rather than her memory being like a gaping, black hole that I avoided.
In fact (and I’m not proud of this, it’s a bit daft) but in my head, Mum is in her lovely sunny house and I imagine what she would be doing at all times of the day I think about her. It doesn’t harm anyone else, and it brings me comfort.

 

[Bunpoots]

It was only the other day that I was saying to my daughter how the loss of a Mum is like no other loss. It has taken a few years for me to be able to remember mum with a smile, rather than her memory being like a gaping, black hole that I avoided.
In fact (and I’m not proud of this, it’s a bit daft) but in my head, Mum is in her lovely sunny house and I imagine what she would be doing at all times of the day I think about her. It doesn’t harm anyone else, and it brings me comfort.

You might think it's a bit daft but it's bought a tear to my eye and I'm going to remember my mum in the same way.

Thank you

 

[Amethyst59]

You might think it's a bit daft but it's bought a tear to my eye and I'm going to remember my mum in the same way.

Thank you

In that case, I will add my other daft one. Sometimes before going to sleep, I gather all my loved ones...grandparents, parents, my late husband, brother in law, the twin to my son, and my little granddaughter, and we walk along the sea front together where I grew up. The ‘baby’ is now three, my son’s twin is 26, and we wander along together and gossip. It brings me great comfort to have this ‘visit’ with them all.

 

[Bunpoots]

In that case, I will add my other daft one. Sometimes before going to sleep, I gather all my loved ones...grandparents, parents, my late husband, brother in law, the twin to my son, and my little granddaughter, and we walk along the sea front together where I grew up. The ‘baby’ is now three, my son’s twin is 26, and we wander along together and gossip. It brings me great comfort to have this ‘visit’ with them all.

I think that's lovely. I can understand how that would be comforting. You've inspired me to try gathering my lost loved ones. I'll try it tonight.

 

[Prudence9]

In that case, I will add my other daft one. Sometimes before going to sleep, I gather all my loved ones...grandparents, parents, my late husband, brother in law, the twin to my son, and my little granddaughter, and we walk along the sea front together where I grew up. The ‘baby’ is now three, my son’s twin is 26, and we wander along together and gossip. It brings me great comfort to have this ‘visit’ with them all.

Thank you so much @Amethyst59 that's something I'm going to try.
Really lovely xxx

 

[Quenelise]

In that case, I will add my other daft one. Sometimes before going to sleep, I gather all my loved ones...grandparents, parents, my late husband, brother in law, the twin to my son, and my little granddaughter, and we walk along the sea front together where I grew up. The ‘baby’ is now three, my son’s twin is 26, and we wander along together and gossip. It brings me great comfort to have this ‘visit’ with them all.

Oh, that is beautiful. I too will try it.

 

[Witzend]

Your length of time at that unaware stage seems similar to my own Witzend.
this was one reason we never took any pictures. I just knew I wouldn't ever want to slook at them and see 'in print' just how poorly my mother was.
.

Actually I had quite a number of my mother, including some particularly horrific ones after she'd had a fall and her poor face looked as if she'd done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. She didn't appear to be in any pain, though, and I only took the pics to show very far-flung siblings.

Awful thing was, though, many months later, when the baby mentioned before was about 18 months and just beginning to talk, she loved looking at photos on my iPad. I once left her with it for a few minutes while I went to the loo or something. But she came running to me, all upset, saying, 'Oh no! Oh no!'

I felt so bad that she'd found the 'Mike Tyson' photos I'd completely forgotten about.
I explained that it was a very poor old lady, but she was better now, and she seemed happy with that.
(She'd died (at 97) when granddaughter was 3 months old.)

Amethyst, your seaside walk is such a lovely idea. I might well borrow it to do with my lot. Talking of which, we will be remembering to raise a glass to my mother in about 3 weeks - it would have been her 100th birthday - and my folks' 78th wedding anniversary! So we'd better remember to toast the old man, too..

 

[Blondee]

Amethyst, what a lovely idea. Nothing daft about it x

 

[Portia100874]

I miss this more than anything, my mum was my best friend and we’ve been through so much together, we used to talk on the phone two or three times a day! Its so hard visiting her at the care home and not having a proper gossip and laugh like we used to.