hello
@Josiejo
I very much recognise how you are feeling
my mum died 12 years ago, after a stroke, the immediate weeks were busy, then life had to carry on and work was something to concentrate on, and considering how my dad was
it wasn't really until a few months later that it really did strike me that my lovely mum is no longer at the end of the phone so I can't call with a joy or sadness or moan to share, and that's when I felt truly low
I realised that grief and missing someone will be part of my life and decided to allow myself to feel whatever each moment brought, for a while, then deliberately remember a good moment and mum's smile and use that as a spur to carry on
I also gave myself permission to be not coping, as in truth that's how I was coping in a contrarywise way - there's no timetable or plan to grief it waxes and wains as it will
I still talk to my mum and miss her: the grief though no longer takes my breath away and I am so grateful that she was the mum she was, so thinking of her brings smiles amongst the sometimes teary eyes
I am glad you thought to write here on TP
much sympathy