Hi again folks.
So, I last posted in November about MIL's obsession with her neighbour. Well, she's had two further, more formal assessments, and we have a definite diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Can't say we were surprised - her memory is really pretty bad now.
I'm confused about what happens now. From what my husband said, it appeared she would be put on some kind of medication to slow the progress of the condition, but he implied they'd only give it to her if she accepted help from carers coming in at home? Which she didn't, as she claimed she didn't need it - so does that mean she doesn't get any meds? She actually manages around the house - can dress, wash herself etc, prepare food (she doesn't eat anything like a balanced diet, but she is at least eating), clean, and do light stuff in the garden - if anything, tends to over-worry about cleaning and so on, perhaps to try and distract herself. If not distracted, she'll look out of the window and get worried about that neighbour I mentioned, or whoever's visiting him. Or other people in the street - a few weeks back, she mentioned something about a neighbour who, she said she'd heard, had tried to kill himself - which he hadn't...not sure where she got that idea from. She also forgets when things are supposed to happen/have happened, like when the man's coming to fix the gas fire, or she won't answer the phone in case it's a scammer, but she writes the number down, and when we check the 'bad number', it turns out to be something important like the doctors' surgery.
My big worry right now is how this is all affecting my husband. He's always been prone to anxiety and depression anyway, but he's got now so that he panics every time his phone rings or the WhatsApp group alert goes off (that's with his sister and brother, specifically to talk about 'Mum stuff'). He's like 'Oh no, what now?!!' I've suggested he should try talking to someone who understands the situation, like the helplines, or a forum like this one, or when we're at the library I come across books that might be helpful, but he doesn't seem interested. I wonder if he's in denial, not about her condition so much as about his own role as a carer - he's never had a carers' assessment either, although I know he'd be entitled to one in his own right. He won't even talk to his cousin, who's the carer for her own mother with dementia. He will vent to me, but I can't be his only sounding board. I know he HAS looked up some things, because he's spoken to me about 'How the hell does anyone afford care homes?'
We're both working. He knows we can't afford for him to give up work and move in with her (and he's assured me there's no way he'd do that). My SIL tries to organize stuff from a distance (we're in Norfolk, she's in Scotland). My BIL seems pretty much detached from the whole thing - he'll join in on WhatsApp when a joint decision is needed, he visits now and again with his daughters (who still live not far away from us), but otherwise we barely see him. The main bulk of the emotional labour, so to speak, is falling on my hubby, and I worry about how it's affecting him.
Any spouses of carers here who've found a way to get help for a reluctant-to-be-helped partner?
So, I last posted in November about MIL's obsession with her neighbour. Well, she's had two further, more formal assessments, and we have a definite diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Can't say we were surprised - her memory is really pretty bad now.
I'm confused about what happens now. From what my husband said, it appeared she would be put on some kind of medication to slow the progress of the condition, but he implied they'd only give it to her if she accepted help from carers coming in at home? Which she didn't, as she claimed she didn't need it - so does that mean she doesn't get any meds? She actually manages around the house - can dress, wash herself etc, prepare food (she doesn't eat anything like a balanced diet, but she is at least eating), clean, and do light stuff in the garden - if anything, tends to over-worry about cleaning and so on, perhaps to try and distract herself. If not distracted, she'll look out of the window and get worried about that neighbour I mentioned, or whoever's visiting him. Or other people in the street - a few weeks back, she mentioned something about a neighbour who, she said she'd heard, had tried to kill himself - which he hadn't...not sure where she got that idea from. She also forgets when things are supposed to happen/have happened, like when the man's coming to fix the gas fire, or she won't answer the phone in case it's a scammer, but she writes the number down, and when we check the 'bad number', it turns out to be something important like the doctors' surgery.
My big worry right now is how this is all affecting my husband. He's always been prone to anxiety and depression anyway, but he's got now so that he panics every time his phone rings or the WhatsApp group alert goes off (that's with his sister and brother, specifically to talk about 'Mum stuff'). He's like 'Oh no, what now?!!' I've suggested he should try talking to someone who understands the situation, like the helplines, or a forum like this one, or when we're at the library I come across books that might be helpful, but he doesn't seem interested. I wonder if he's in denial, not about her condition so much as about his own role as a carer - he's never had a carers' assessment either, although I know he'd be entitled to one in his own right. He won't even talk to his cousin, who's the carer for her own mother with dementia. He will vent to me, but I can't be his only sounding board. I know he HAS looked up some things, because he's spoken to me about 'How the hell does anyone afford care homes?'
We're both working. He knows we can't afford for him to give up work and move in with her (and he's assured me there's no way he'd do that). My SIL tries to organize stuff from a distance (we're in Norfolk, she's in Scotland). My BIL seems pretty much detached from the whole thing - he'll join in on WhatsApp when a joint decision is needed, he visits now and again with his daughters (who still live not far away from us), but otherwise we barely see him. The main bulk of the emotional labour, so to speak, is falling on my hubby, and I worry about how it's affecting him.
Any spouses of carers here who've found a way to get help for a reluctant-to-be-helped partner?
