1. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    120
    Bedfordshire
    Sorry but I feel the need for a rant today. Having got mum to accept a carer to help with morning wash and dressing etc I feel we have made progress. Some days mum doesn't want a full wash but as long as she is hygienically clean and teeth brushed I told the carer I am happy. Very experienced carer who says that to force the issue would not be good as mum would get to dislike her. Then today my sister arrives whilst carer is present and decides mum should have full wash regardless and takes it upon herself to tell me my arrangement is not good enough ... She who visits about once a week when convenient and I am there day in day out dealing with all the trials associated with advanced dementia.
     
  2. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    19,036
    Durham
    Oh dear has your sister any idea at all she is just making things worse?

    Why don't you say as she isn't satisfied why doesn't she go every day and make sure your mum has a good wash, I bet she will soon back down then,

    Best Wishes Jeany x
     
  3. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct
    Hi leswi

    In an ideal world we d do lots differently....the reality is with some people with dementia...a daily wash and dress can be a major upheaval ..and you do the best you can on tje day..
    Im sure your sister cares but understanding the reality of how your mum is daily...is much more important..
    I agree that maybe she should see how she copes with finding a way round the everyday tasks .
    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
     
  4. Corriegal

    Corriegal Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    11
    It's very difficult for your mum, yourself and the carers, when other family members have their own perceptions of how to care for your mum, especially when choose not to bother the rest of the time. Maybe have a chat with your local Dementia awareness group. With Dementia, each day is different and the carers will log in the file your mums daily hygiene/routines/moods etc for that particular day and also any interactions with family members- your sister! I do wonder if your sister has come to terms with your Mums illness, as her own attitude/behaviour can be a form of denial and grieving. Is it worth trying to meet with your sister for an informal update, chat & coffee. I am aware of a number of books that your sister could be encouraged to read, which can help her understand about caring for those we love, but from a Carers perspective. Keep up with the good work :)
     
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,181
    My usual advice in these circumstance's of awkward families is to introduce them to this forum.
    They will be educated or frightened off!

    Bod
     
  6. skaface

    skaface Registered User

    Jul 18, 2011
    107
    Ramsgate
    I have the opposite with my sister, who lives in Norwich (mother and I both live in Kent) who is recovering from breast cancer - she was talking about leaving her partner, selling mum's house and taking her with her up to Scunthorpe.

    I have managed to dissuade her as a) mum won't understand anything that's going on about solicitors, movers, completion dates etc, b) the day it's time to leave she will kick off with the "I didn't agree to this" stuff like she normally does and c) the stress will kill her, or mum, or both.

    I don't live with mum and my sister moved away in the first place because mum was being a complete and utter ***** to her (I'm wondering whether that wasn't the first inklings of what's happening now) and as my sister told me "it was me, or her".

    My sister and I have only been reconciled a couple of years and I don't want her to end up even more ill than she is already. She's worried about me, but I haven't had the cancer to contend with and I'm (gradually) learning to deal with all the issues as they arise.
     
  7. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    120
    Bedfordshire
    Better day

    Thanks for all your comments. We had a much nicer today, I took mum to the local sheltered living complex where they put on music and a tea on Tuesday's. They gave us pancakes too and mum had a couple of hours interacting with others which she loved.
     
  8. Alijane21

    Alijane21 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2015
    1
    Just joined this rings bells

    Hi,
    Fully understand your situation I have a sister who was very close to mum but as the dementia has progressed she has distanced herself and now visits about every 3 weeks. everything that my dad and I put in place is wrong but I just think she is angry with the dementia and how it has stolen our mum and dads wife and lashing out at us is her only way of coping! Not great for everyone else but dementia is beast that eats away at the person it inhabits and the family and friends around that loved one. Believe in yourself and carry on fighting the dementia in whatever way you can but try so hard to keep families together. :)
     

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