Thanks for your replies
Actually my doctor tells me that we should just go and not tell him! Although he doesnt ring he does email Mum (which of course I print and give to her and pretend are letters) and I do also religiously ensure that every Friday Mum sits down and writes him an aerograme as best she can, so he would be aware that there had been a change of living circumstances.
I am trying to be objective as I know he loves Mum too - I think its more of an issue that he feels he no longer 'controls' the situation - but when he talks about Mums 'best interests' he causes me to doubt myself and question decisions I make - even though I honestly feel that I am trying to be logical about it all. He has a habit of writing letters and emails to me that are a quite bullying - result I start to get night time anxiety - he once studied law so he likes to use legalistic terms which I suspect makes him feel gives his opinion more weight. My husband has warned him that he musnt do this anymore.
We do take Mum on holiday too, physically Mum is quite fit - but to places that are easy for her to cope with - but realistically we are still caring for Mum - just in another environment.
This year its my 60th and my husband and I have planned an adventurous trip to Alaska which will include walking, kayaking, time on a ship, nothing that is possible for a 90 year old to enjoy! - it will be 5 weeks in all - Mum is booked into her respite care and I know she will be well looked after. I know that she probably doesnt really 'like' it but I also know anywhere that she is where I am not, she doesnt like either. But I can go knowing she is safe, warm, well fed, entertained, and my husband and I can relax and be a couple again. I am conscious that it is quite a long time for her to be there but I know that her complete lack of memory means in many ways that 5 days is as long as 5 weeks. I havent yet broached the topic with my brother.
He visited for 5 days a few weeks ago. By now my husband had emailed him and told him that using Mums credit card as he had was not OK. He stayed in an apartment that he booked and paid for and Mum joined him there. Everything seemed to go well. It was not a convenient time for us to have a holiday as my husband had work commitments but it was a chance for me to catch up on a few things around the house, and do some one on one activities with my grandson.
Maybe I am a bit wary of his motives though as I understand that he has been in touch with Mums doctor by mail and whilst here and has been discussing Mums dementia and 'lack of capacity'. I assume this means that he will hope to ensure that he and I must agree jointly on all decisions that are in Mums 'best interests'. That is why I have started to think about the process of relinquishing our joint LPA and asking an independent deputy to consider decisions that need to be made.
Just as a footnote - a few days ago Mum received a letter from the trustee of her private pension fund letting her know that they had received a letter from her son using his LPA to tell them that Mums pension must no longer be paid into her bank account in Australia but should be re-directed back to her bank account in the UK (which she no longer uses). Fortunately they were notifying her that they had refused this request. I read a lot about the requirements with regard to capacity and the Mental Health Act and my responsibilities in this regard. When Mum read the letter her immediate response was "What has he done this for, what an impudence, its my money" - so I know in my heart that her capacity to understand this specific issue is absolutely intact.
Sorry, this is a long post - I feel as if I have got some things off my chest!