1. Liz&family

    Liz&family Registered User

    Jun 15, 2005
    feeliing really low tonight and dont know what to do.
    Mum is having a bad time at the moment. Physically as well as mentally. Gp thinks I should start thinking about a home, but I am hanging on to the good days and know that when she has them the last place she will want to be is in a home. My Dad (died 5 yrs ago0 built the house she is in and its full of memories - how can I take them away from her?
    How do I know when its the right time? Mum still knows me even if she gets the children muddled up (we all do that dont we?).
    She has so many "friends" yet they have all stopped visiting. I have asked my friend at Church if she can rally any visitors yet they havent been. Not even the Vicar - should I be mad or just think she is busy? Why do people shy away from Dementia - Mum cant and nor can I so why should friends?
    I am sorry I sound bitter but I am and very muddled tonight. Can anyone help me???
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    People DO shy away from dementia but... are you sure they haven't visited? I ask, because I my mother cannot remember visitors as soon as they've left (she can't remember phone calls either) so I wouldn't place any reliance on self reporting. Of course, you may be there all the time, so you'd know, in which case ignore what I say.

    As to when it's time... I'm a "when it's no longer safe" proponent.

  3. Liz&family

    Liz&family Registered User

    Jun 15, 2005
    thanks - tonight I just need to know that someone is out there. Did you ever try a Vistors Book? Think this might be a good idea buit dont want visitors to feel they are"checking in" or being monitored by BIG Daughter!
  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    I can understand how you feel, I certainly get days when everything gets too much and it is harder when "friends" seem to desert you.

    I don't really understand why, it's just how many people react to dementia, or even mental illness, maybe you can't understand unless you've been there.

    Even if your Mum is managing at home at present, it may be a good idea to begin to look into what local homes are available for her, better that than having to start your search in an emergency.

    Of course her own home has memories, not just hers, but yours too, especially as your late father built it.

    Do you have any close friends or relatives to help with the decisions about your Mum's care?

  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Actually, I did try a visitors book. Visitors were only too happy to write a short synopsis of their visit when I explained that it might help mummy, BUT i had to discontinue it when I found that it caused mummy even more distress - it's one thing to not remember a visitor, but it's another thing to have that lack of memory thrown in your face, which the book seemed to. She seems happier not having her lack of memory pointed out to her - it's a particlular area I have to avoid.
  6. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Going home

    My Mum is in a NH and she does talk about going home sometimes, but unfortunately she means her childhood home with her parents and sister and brothers. Many people she talks about died decades ago and she thinks her grandchildren are still in primary school, when they are grown up and left home. Mum asked me if I had a nice Christmas today and was quite disbelieving when I said it wasn't for another two months. The other day she thought perhaps she ought to go into a Nursing Home!
    I find it is hard to know what to say, without upsetting her or confusing her even more. I suppose she does at least have a friend in the NH and they do have some weird conversations!
  7. squirrel

    squirrel Registered User

    Aug 30, 2006
    Just sending my support as you're feeling low tonight. Its so difficult when it gets to this stage with your Mum, I do understand and most of all whenever the decision has to be made about care you musn't feel guilty, sending a hug, squirrel x
  8. mocha

    mocha Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Lancs, England
    Tried Respite

    Hi Liz,
    My husband is in respite for two weeks at the moment and I wondered if your Mum had been. The first time he went in last January I was worried sick but it had to be done because I had had a fall and he took to it marvellously especially as I wasn't able to see him for over a week. Now he just goes about every 8 wks whilst I have jobs done on the house. It's bad enough having a little dog under workpeoples feet than Ron trying to help with everything.
    It's just an idea to see how she copes. Cheer up , think of the good days we have as well
  9. perfectpatience

    perfectpatience Registered User

    Oct 3, 2006
    I think Jennefa is certainly right to say that when its not safe...is the right time. My mum used to get her days and nights mixed up...and would often try and sneak out of the house....she was going to work she told us. She was very active then...and was forever wandering about...and searching for everything. She nearly gassed us all once as she turned her cooker on......and I had a bad cold at the time and couldnt smell a thing!!
  10. zak

    zak Registered User

    Sep 29, 2006
    sorry you are low

    im sorry you are feeling low, its an awful feeling especially when you feel no-one is visiting. my dad only has us visiting he has a huge family and huge circle of friends none of who visit and i think it would be nice if they could, even once a month, especially male company to do MAN things. i agree it does seem AD sufferers sometimes seem abandoned by their friends etc, but on the other hand they may not be able to deal with it, which i cant as it hurts, but being my father i need to visit. i understand about the visitor book too, but dad forgets whos been to see him almost immeadiately evev if we have been there all day, he will tell the next person no-one has been. take care

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