Loved Ones

[Pickalily]

Everything I read is how to care for 'loved ones' The truth is, and I may sound really selfish, I don't love my husband. I care for him, meaning I always look out for him and always over our 57 years together tried to do my best, but love, that went out of the window many years ago, way before dementia.
I'm 13 yrs younger, he is 89 and I'm really struggling to have a life of my own as I cant leave him for long periods. I had to get a sitter this week as I had a hospital appointment which took up a long time. He has no awareness watching TV with news articles about dementia that this affects him. He will tell people he has a little bit of dementia, no dear, you have a lot. He's never lived in the 'real world' always been more like a child. When he can't get his audio equipment to work he gets very angry and when I try to help I get told I don't know what I'm doing, Oh yes I do, much more than him. But I cant stand all the muttering that goes on whilst he's trying to sort it. In the end its down to me. I do leave the room, but just now I was trying to watch a tv programme, in the end I gave up!!
I'd love to get him into a day centre, but I cant imagine he would ever go as he's pretty self contained.
Occasionally we go out and have coffee, but we just sit staring at the surroundings and never talk.
I try to chose tv programmes that he would like, but in the end, the lights are on but no ones at home, his eyes are open but his head is down and not receiving.
Sometimes I feel at my wits end. I want a life, not a life sentence. Sounds selfish - he's totally unaware of his problems!
My family, sons. are only mildly supportive

Sorry for the rant. We all need to let off steam

 

[jennifer1967]

Everything I read is how to care for 'loved ones' The truth is, and I may sound really selfish, I don't love my husband. I care for him, meaning I always look out for him and always over our 57 years together tried to do my best, but love, that went out of the window many years ago, way before dementia.
I'm 13 yrs younger, he is 89 and I'm really struggling to have a life of my own as I cant leave him for long periods. I had to get a sitter this week as I had a hospital appointment which took up a long time. He has no awareness watching TV with news articles about dementia that this affects him. He will tell people he has a little bit of dementia, no dear, you have a lot. He's never lived in the 'real world' always been more like a child. When he can't get his audio equipment to work he gets very angry and when I try to help I get told I don't know what I'm doing, Oh yes I do, much more than him. But I cant stand all the muttering that goes on whilst he's trying to sort it. In the end its down to me. I do leave the room, but just now I was trying to watch a tv programme, in the end I gave up!!
I'd love to get him into a day centre, but I cant imagine he would ever go as he's pretty self contained.
Occasionally we go out and have coffee, but we just sit staring at the surroundings and never talk.
I try to chose tv programmes that he would like, but in the end, the lights are on but no ones at home, his eyes are open but his head is down and not receiving.
Sometimes I feel at my wits end. I want a life, not a life sentence. Sounds selfish - he's totally unaware of his problems!
My family, sons. are only mildly supportive

Sorry for the rant. We all need to let off steam

could you record your programs. not sure if its available to you. the age gap does have its own problems. im 19 yrs younger than my husband so im 55 and hes 74. he goes to mems shed 2 mornings a week so at least i have that. he wouldnt pay for day centre. mine does the let me do it but i do everything and learning all the time. i do have help from my son and daughter but i normally do everything bar the garden as im also in chronic pain.

 

[canary]

Everything I read is how to care for 'loved ones' The truth is, and I may sound really selfish, I don't love my husband. I care for him, meaning I always look out for him and always over our 57 years together tried to do my best, but love, that went out of the window many years ago, way before dementia.

You are not alone on here - thats why we dont refer to "loved one" on here, just "Person with dementia "(PWD)

 

[Violet Jane]

@Pickalily, you are far from alone. There are a number of members whose marriages were unhappy / who were effectively living separate lives from their spouses (usually husbands, it appears) before dementia struck and members whose feelings of love have been destroyed by the behaviour of their spouses (lack of empathy, verbal and physical aggression etc).

 

[update2020]

I suppose we are none of us under a legal obligation to look after our spouses. A care home is a real possibility but because it is very expensive it’s not easy (whether funded by yourself or by the local authority). Plus there may be social/family pressure- or the perception of them.

I did love my husband very much, but when I couldn’t cope any more I decided that his money was less important than my life, even though I had no idea what would happen when the money ran out. I guess that each of us arrive at that place at different points and each of us have different financial situations. I think I was pretty desperate by that time because I did worry about money but his care had become extremely challenging.

It’s a decision I constantly mull over and sometimes regret but at the time I had nothing but support from everyone I asked - both professionals and others.

 

[Anthoula]

You are most definitely not alone. What to do, where to go, how to cope are every day questions. I only wish I had the answers. All I am adamant about is that my physical and mental well being are equally as important as my partner`s.