Lost my recognition part 2, keeps asking me to leave so her “real” OH won’t get upset…

[TonyDB]

Hello all,

following on from my other thread on “Lost recognition”, things have changed quite a bit… Since Friday my OH and wife of nearly 30 years is “loosing“ me for long periods of time. At the moment she keeps asking me to leave as she doesn’t want to have / cause a scene when her “real“ OH (me) turns up... Although this has happened before, being away from our flat and keeping in touch via mobile has worked well, I can go back and she is generally happy to see me and has a degree of ”re-recognition” (probably no such word…) and we can carry on… Yesterday that didn’t work so well and for the first time in a while I ended up in the spare bed, again, that’s why it’s there to cope with that situation… Today however I have been back to our flat twice after being away, and on both occasions asked (very politely) to leave about an hour later so as not to “cause a scene” when her (in her eyes) ”real” OH a turns up…

However as the only person who will turn up is me and even though we have good phone conversations, as soon as I am there in person she starts to get restless after a while about where her “real” OH is… Minutes after leaving the phone calls start coming in… My concern is the way things are heading getting back to her tonight starts to look a slim chance, although I will try… I also don’t feel happy about her being by herself for a whole night, but I think she should be ok, am I over thinking not being with her?

Cheers, TonyDB

 

[Grannie G]

Oh goodness @TonyDB I don’t know how you’ll be able to sort this one.

My husband used to go out when sundowning to find his real wife and real family. Sometimes I could follow at a distanced and ‘meet’ him via a different route. He often recognised me and was surprised at meeting me. We would return home together.

. Other times I would call our son who lived nearby. He would meet his dad, take him to his house and bring him back to me a few hours later when sundowning had passed.

I never had to leave him alone at night. Is your wife safe to be left?

Only once have I had to sleep in the spare room. It was when my husband told me he was a married man and couldn’t share a bed with me.

Is your wife sundowning or does this happen at any time?

I don’t know if medical advice would help. Perhaps some anti anxiety medication?

We were married for 50 years and the shock of being seen as a stranger was really hard to take so I do feel for you.

 

[canary]

Hi @TonyDB
I'm sorry to hear that your wife is developing Capgras Syndrome
Can you come up with a "reason" why you should stay that you wife will accept? Would she accept it if you said that you had got delayed and your friend is staying that night?

 

[phill]

At the times when she appears to view you as “the other man”, have you ever tried saying something along the lines of “Don’t worry, your OH knows all about me - it was actually him who asked me to keep you company, as he thought he might be running late today”.

 

[TonyDB]

Thanks all, as it happens we somehow sorted ourselves out today, the “don’t worry your OH knows about me“ sounds an approach I haven’t tried. I also need to get better at excuses for asking to stay in the spare room rather than just sort of asking directly…

TontDB

 

[TonyDB]

Oh goodness @TonyDB I don’t know how you’ll be able to sort this one.

My husband used to go out when sundowning to find his real wife and real family. Sometimes I could follow at a distanced and ‘meet’ him via a different route. He often recognised me and was surprised at meeting me. We would return home together.

. Other times I would call our son who lived nearby. He would meet his dad, take him to his house and bring him back to me a few hours later when sundowning had passed.

I never had to leave him alone at night. Is your wife safe to be left?

Only once have I had to sleep in the spare room. It was when my husband told me he was a married man and couldn’t share a bed with me.

Is your wife sundowning or does this happen at any time?

I don’t know if medical advice would help. Perhaps some anti anxiety medication?

We were married for 50 years and the shock of being seen as a stranger was really hard to take so I do feel for you.

Hi Grannie G,

Many thanks for that, sundowning is a problem as well for my wife, I really need to change a lot of things quickly, I believe she is probably safe by herself but feel very uneasy about it!

There are no “solutions”, it’s just finding the best ways to live with this and support my wife…

Many thanks, TonyDB

 

[tonebear]

At the times when she appears to view you as “the other man”, have you ever tried saying something along the lines of “Don’t worry, your OH knows all about me - it was actually him who asked me to keep you company, as he thought he might be running late today”.

this one works sometimes for me, Mostly she accepts there wil be three of us for dinner ( never is),

 

[TonyDB]

Hi Grannie G,

Many thanks for that, sundowning is a problem as well for my wife, I really need to change a lot of things quickly, I believe she is probably safe by herself but feel very uneasy about it!

There are no “solutions”, it’s just finding the best ways to live with this and support my wife…

Many thanks, TonyDB

Hi again Grannie G,

sorry forgot to say, yes the shock of suddenly being seen as a “stranger” is horrible, and as this still feels new to me and it hurts every time it crops up. This is one of many things that I have read about and thought would be easier to deal with and it must have been much worse for you with more years behind you as a couple than we have…

Just keeping on with things the best we can

TonyDB

 

[leny connery]

Hi again Grannie G,

sorry forgot to say, yes the shock of suddenly being seen as a “stranger” is horrible, and as this still feels new to me and it hurts every time it crops up. This is one of many things that I have read about and thought would be easier to deal with and it must have been much worse for you with more years behind you as a couple than we have…

Just keeping on with things the best we can

TonyDB

 

[tonebear]

Slightly funny side to this post, my piglet stood infront of me and told me albout the things Tony ( thats me)did and said. Strange to hear all about yourself from your wife of 40yrs as if she is talking to a stranger.

 

[leny connery]

Oh my dear, I can so relate with the hurt.I tell myself he does not know, he cannot help losing his mind etc, but it still hurts everytime it happens. Daily. More and more prolonged. It is hard , isn't it, the role playing, phone calls with OH from another room, leaving and getting back in hoping that he will see me, as his wife, the spare bed...all of it is too damn hurting...Oh well, soldier on, I say. With love and deep understanding from a fellow sufferer.

 

[maggie6445]

Slightly funny side to this post, my piglet stood infront of me and told me albout the things Tony ( thats me)did and said. Strange to hear all about yourself from your wife of 40yrs as if she is talking to a stranger.

Its strange isn't it how they can remember somethings and not others. My oh asked me what I'd done for a living and where I'd worked. I told him and he said,"the other lady worked there too. Did I know her?" He thinks there's another me.! But he'd remembered she worked at the same place!

 

[TonyDB]

Thanks for all your replies and experiences. People who live “on the outside” of the illness we are all dealing with in our partners really have no idea of what we, as partners and carers go through! My only solace is that it’s much worse for my OH as she must have very large chunks of memory suddenly disappear on her to cause these reactions, as a member of our mental health team put it rather succinctly, “she is just filling the holes in her memory with other memories”, that’s a statement I fully understand.

Today I have no clue who I am but I have had to leave and go for a walk to calm things down, as she is very upset about her “best friend” (me this morning, definitely not her husband…) taking advantage of her hospitality…

Thanks all, it’s helps me a lot to share and know I am not alone!

TonyDB

 

[leny connery]

with you there. go out and come back in again cheerfully announcing who you are may help. in any case if you need to detach yourself and in the fresh air for a few minutes can be benefecial, long slow repeated breaths, tell yourself it is the illness who speak, not the person, pray, if you are a praying person , for tolerance and patience and strength. Good luck, the road is long and hard ahead of us

 

[TonyDB]

Hi leny connery,

Many thanks for your reply, actually I have more recently deliberately taken the approach of not announcing myself, sometimes when I come back I can be someone else (more friendly than the person who left) which is an improvement,

I have had a couple of occasions where I did try announcing myself, my OH had not fully regained my recognition so the announcement made things much worse…

Yes, taking deep breaths and trying to enjoy the open air always helps. It’s hard to convince myself that it’s the “illness talking” when the physical person is saying it, I am getting there on that one, it takes time and I have seen from other people such as Grannie G that sometimes the”pain” never really goes.

As for praying, no I don’t, but perhaps its something to think about….

Cheers, TonyDB

 

[leny connery]

Hi leny connery,

Many thanks for your reply, actually I have more recently deliberately taken the approach of not announcing myself, sometimes when I come back I can be someone else (more friendly than the person who left) which is an improvement,

I have had a couple of occasions where I did try announcing myself, my OH had not fully regained my recognition so the announcement made things much worse…

Yes, taking deep breaths and trying to enjoy the open air always helps. It’s hard to convince myself that it’s the “illness talking” when the physical person is saying it, I am getting there on that one, it takes time and I have seen from other people such as Grannie G that sometimes the”pain” never really goes.

As for praying, no I don’t, but perhaps its something to think about….

Cheers, TonyDB

 

[leny connery]

dear Tony, we each one of us find our own way to our own reactions to this situation. It is indeed a pain, and wearing. I too start stopping doing the act of leaving and coming back again. tired of the charade. I just take myself to a different room , and wait for 'me' to come back in his vision. It often does.

 

[TonyDB]

Hi leny,

yes, I would like to be able to do that, unfortunately we live in a 2 bedroom flat, so if I go to the “spare” room, if my other half goes to the toilet (as an example) she will go past me, I have tried pushing the door nearly closed but as that’s unusual she always looks to see why… Fortunately there is a building next door where I can hide in which for now does the job… Everything points to this going in phases so it’s just do the best we can to try keep the peace and of course safe for our partners…

TonyDB

 

[leny connery]

last night he came to me telling me of his love, his admiration of me, then 5 minutes later I was mum and could not lie down beside him. church law and all that. so, I went to the spare room. BTW it is a study and as we have very high ceiling, I did have a loft bed made. so when I am up there I am out of sight and be private. at 2 a.m. when I went to my first toilet visit, I just quietly lay down beside him. it worked. for now. sigh...........

 

[TonyDB]

Hi @leny connery

yes this is a similar position to me, I am in and out of the spare room, sometimes just for a few hours, sometimes all night.

I agree sigh… A friend has pointed out to me to be careful of the toll this sort of behaviour and living takes on us carers, especially our emotions… We need to look after ourselves too… That last part is really hard though isn’t it!

TonyDB