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Lost mum to vascular dementia after seven years of being her carer

Joseph Felts

New member
Feb 1, 2019
I can hardly add anything different to that already here. I sympathise. My father had dementia, withered from a strong fit man to a confused person, not knowing who I was, urinate, defecate on occasion, tussle with me when I wanted to change him, clothes, incon pads. I don't think I paid attention to it but it seems that I was immune to his condition and soldiered on. Perhaps looking back, I didn't take it in on a daily basis how he was. I accepted it was how he would be and catered for him as best as. I don't think there was a time to reflect too deeply. I would conversate with my sibling about him occasionally. He passed months back now, and we managed to send him away before the lockdown. Wow, how people relate their experiences, it's like I'm not alone. Some days don't go by without me tearing up, crying. A prominent figure in my life, was Dad. The dementia robbed him of his last three years, and us. Devastating.

Tearing up now writing this, and during reading your post. I have time now to grief, still, to reminisce, and I think I will do for some time to come. My heart would reach out to those who lost their loved ones during the lockdown, and couldn't attend funerals. My God. I just imagined, like you said, looking up at your mother and seeing perhaps her last sign of life with her eyes. And for crying so much, yeah. I still do. Each time I remember how Dad was, what he said, where he was in the house, doing what.

I don't know if there is anyone who has cared for a loved one with dementia, to see them go, and have gotten over the passing so soon. I feel good to cry, to tear, in his memory, my respect for Dad. I don't know if money would have to come into it, what would I do? A plaque? Perhaps the best memorial is the one that costs nothing but love. From memory. You have good memories of your mother, very precious. I get to learn there are those who aren't up to looking after a loved one like you, like me, like us, and other siblings, if not the local authority, are left to help. I've heard of others doing it on their own, and I have so much admiration for them, just wish I could help.

But Tattooed Mark, the one thing you had all this time, and still do, is your health. Limbs and vision. There are some who don't, and yet they don't sit there, they use it to their advantage. You make best with what you have. And to think you mum would like to see you do that, in her memory. Before, there were some things I wouldn't entertain, just sheer principle. With Dad passing, I feel to entertain what I didn't before. Not anything illegal, no way, that would disgrace Dad untold. Just that whereas I would back away, now, I have the bravery all the more to at least take a jump and explore. Because we don't know what's around the corner, and it can hit us without warning, without thought.

I sincerely hope that all helps.


Registered User
Mar 22, 2020
I too lost my Mother earlier this month with the same symptoms and nigh on same setbacks that you experienced Mark.
I can only congratulate you on conveying your thoughts and feelings so well on this forum which can only be of comfort and benefit to others in a similar situation.
I salute you Sir.