Looking for advice

[Worried DIL]

Good afternoon, My name is Sue and I’m new on this forum. Looking for some advice on how to handle a situation that keeps happening with my MIL.

For the past year, my MIL has been showing signs of dementia. She keeps insisting that she is just old (85 in August) and can’t remember things. It seems to my husband and I that she is incapable of learning new things. We have told her at least 20 different times that if she wants to Skype with us she needs to send us an email so we can turn Skype on. She has yet to do that. Instead of just leaving Skype on (we turn it off because of telemarketing calls) we feel that we should just keep reminding her that she needs to email us in hopes it finally sticks. Are we doing the right thing?

Thanks in advance.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Worried DIL and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to read about your worries regarding your mother-in-law's possible dementia. If she does have dementia she is unlikely to remember to send you an email regarding the Skype connection no matter how many times you tell her. Would someone else be able to send the email on her behalf, that might resolve the issue.

 

[Kevinl]

Hello sue, problem is that the tech thing, well never used Skype and I post on here as as a carer, over 10 years on the site, my mantra is you have to live in there world when they cant live in theirs, no opinion on Skype other than it seems quite intrusive. K

 

[Worried DIL]

Hello @Worried DIL and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to read about your worries regarding your mother-in-law's possible dementia. If she does have dementia she is unlikely to remember to send you an email regarding the Skype connection no matter how many times you tell her. Would someone else be able to send the email on her behalf, that might resolve the issue.

That is very true, I guess I never thought of it that way. Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it. Until we convince her to get tested, I’ll leave Skype on. Thanks again.

 

[Worried DIL]

Hello sue, problem is that the tech thing, well never used Skype and I post on here as as a carer, over 10 years on the site, my mantra is you have to live in there world when they cant live in theirs, no opinion on Skype other than it seems quite intrusive. K

I’m trying to get better educated on how to be more patient, compassionate, and understanding. My parents both passed away in their 60’s so I have no experience whatsoever so I know nothing about trying to live in her world. I will definitely take your advice. Thanks for responding.

 

[Kevinl]

Well worried DIL I had no experience of being a parent until I became one 30 odd years ago, suddenly i had to learn how to be one.
Likewise I have little experience of being a carer until I became one too.
I'm not comparing AZ bring up children to but to quote what you say patience, compassion and understanding are very much the way forward for both.
Bringing up children is managing asendency,
AZ is the reverse, you're maginging decline.
Whole different ball game. K

 

[Lawson58]

A lot of people aged in their 80s find technology hard to manage. My husband uses Skype regularly to chat his siblings in UK. They do let each other know by email but is there any reason you couldn’t phone her to remind her to turn it on? We never leave Skype on and can’t imagine why you would need to.

 

[Izzy]

I’m trying to get better educated on how to be more patient, compassionate, and understanding. My parents both passed away in their 60’s so I have no experience whatsoever so I know nothing about trying to live in her world. I will definitely take your advice. Thanks for responding.

Welcome to forum @Worried DIL.

I know it’s hard but I wondered if this would be of any help to you -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Worried DIL]

A lot of people aged in their 80s find technology hard to manage. My husband uses Skype regularly to chat his siblings in UK. They do let each other know by email but is there any reason you couldn’t phone her to remind her to turn it on? We never leave Skype on and can’t imagine why you would need to.

She definitely has a hard time learning new technology (can’t use her cellphone) but we’ve been Skyping for over 10 years now. She leaves her Skype on, we are the ones that turns it off. We Skype every Monday but she doesn’t remember to email us to tell us she wants to Skype on a different day.

Thanks for the response.

 

[Jools1402]

Could she possibly phone you beforehand rather than email? She might not remember that either though.
TBH tech can get confusing for a lot of elderly people. I did however find that the inability to learn anything new was one of the first signs of my Mum's dementia. Soon followed by "this (microwave, tv remote, mobile etc) is broken - it doesn't work". It did work of course - mum had just forgotten how to use it.