Living and looking after someone with dementia - won't go into a care home - my bf says we have no choice?
- Thread starter lake_disappointment
- Start date
I totally understand because I would never had persuaded mum to go into a home even for respite care. As an aside, in case you're wondering, she's in a home now because she was having delusions that someone was breaking in and trying to kill her. She wanted to go into the home then ( though we sold it as a hotel type place for older people) but wanted out within days and still does.
Anyway, what worked for me, while mum was still at home and still not as bad, was if I asked her to try doing something she didn't want to just to make me feel better. Eg:" I know you care about me mum and I would feel far less stressed and so much happier if you would just try having a carer. I agree it might be pointless and you may hate them but can we give it a go just for a couple of weeks so I then know my suggestion was rubbish".
Meanwhile I would recommend you do research on homes in your area. It's pointless if you can persuade bf father to go in for respite and the home is rubbish so he ends up thinking they are all like that.
Anyway, what worked for me, while mum was still at home and still not as bad, was if I asked her to try doing something she didn't want to just to make me feel better. Eg:" I know you care about me mum and I would feel far less stressed and so much happier if you would just try having a carer. I agree it might be pointless and you may hate them but can we give it a go just for a couple of weeks so I then know my suggestion was rubbish".
Meanwhile I would recommend you do research on homes in your area. It's pointless if you can persuade bf father to go in for respite and the home is rubbish so he ends up thinking they are all like that.
With mum I had to wait for a crisis.
She went into hospital with a TIA and went straight from there to a care home
Thank you!! This is helpful.
And yeah, the one closest to my bf is definitely the nicest, it's brand new and large, so seems like a great fit, if my FIL wanted to go 😂
If the self funded pwd says no to respite or permanent care, but the carer withdraws support...what does that have to look like for SS to act?
I don't know. Practically speaking, it's very difficult to withdraw support when you're living with the PWD which is why I have suggested that he evict his father. Are you really going to shop and cook for yourself but not give the PWD any food / leave the PWD in soiled and dirty clothing / ignore the PWD when he falls or is ill or is distressed? Probably not. However, the BF could get carers in to take some of the load.
If the self funded pwd says no to respite or permanent care, but the carer says enough is enough, what must that actually look like for SS to act
Getting my Mum into a care home seemed like an impossibility but it wasn't in the end. I was amazed. I kept saying to the management about the DOLS or deprivation of liberty safeguards when she said 'no way jose'. But they've never had to do it. I spent ages working out scripts regarding work needing doing on the house. Some people suggested on here about saying the doctor says you need to go in for a while. I rejected that one. It was all very nerve wracking. As you say, very few of them are going to say 'yes please' so we didn't go and see it before. On the day I said we're going to take this garden waste to the recycling centre which we did and then we went to the home after. I had been mentioning it a few times. And then I basically lived there, apart from the night times, for a few weeks, which isn't what's recommended but I have no regrets. Our home didn't have to meet Mum beforehand, we did all the assessment stuff with me providing the info.
This all sounds rosy but it hasn't been, because it's not easy to get the PWD's needs met in the same way as you did at home. But my Mum turned out to be at the stage where she couldn't remember her old home and identified her room as her safe space.
I haven't read all the ins and outs here, but if you're self funding, go and do the homework on what you consider is the best of the bunch.
I was convinced I knew how badly it would go in terms of getting her through the door but I was wrong. It's hard to tell til you go through it with them.
This all sounds rosy but it hasn't been, because it's not easy to get the PWD's needs met in the same way as you did at home. But my Mum turned out to be at the stage where she couldn't remember her old home and identified her room as her safe space.
I haven't read all the ins and outs here, but if you're self funding, go and do the homework on what you consider is the best of the bunch.
I was convinced I knew how badly it would go in terms of getting her through the door but I was wrong. It's hard to tell til you go through it with them.
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