un diagnosed dementia, but abusive, vile and rude to me and my adult kids. Diagnosed with cerebral small vessel disease 6 years ago. he has become so nasty, accusing and downright vile. now can hardly walk and i have had enough. I work hard, do everything and end up in screaming matches. can't cope anymore, no longer know this person of 35 years marriage
life is hell
- Thread starter sky2
- Start date
Hello @sky2 I am so sorry to read what you are going through, it must be awful for you. First of all I would suggest that you contact your local adult social services to arrange a needs assessment for your husband and carers assessment for yourself, tell them exactly what you have said on here, you cannot go on like this.
Next, either contact your husband's GP or the memory clinic to try to get a formal diagnosis, and also to see if any medications would help to modify his behaviour. Also tell the GP how you are feeling, and they might be able to offer you some help.
Please keep a fully charged mobile with you at all times and if you ever feel in danger please get to a safe place and contact the police, they are trained to deal with these issues.
Finally you might find it useful to contact the Alzheimer's Society helpline, I have attached their details below. Please keep posting on the forum, either to ask for advice or even just to let us know how you feel.
Contact us
Find out how to get in touch with Alzheimer's Society by phone, email, post or online.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Hi @sky2 I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrendous. I have been through something similar. My husband became increasingly aggressive and abusive over 5 or 6 years. As his abilities failed I was blamed for everything that went wrong, and the verbal abuse eventually turned into physical abuse and he assaulted me several times. I reached the point you are now at a year ago, I contacted adult SS and told them I was done.
I agree with everything @SeaSwallow has advised. When I contacted SS they contacted my doctor and the Older Adult Mental Health team, or SOAHMS. Fortunately we were put in touch with a wonderful SW who took the time to listen to me. My OH was put on anti psychotic medication and this did calm him down. Do be brutally honest with your doctor and SW - you need to be able to show them that you can no longer cope and have reached carer breakdown.
A year later my husband has deteriorated a lot, he is no longer aggressive but he has very limited functioning and this is a new type of exhaustion, but better than being shouted at constantly. Good luck, I hope you find some answers.
I agree with everything @SeaSwallow has advised. When I contacted SS they contacted my doctor and the Older Adult Mental Health team, or SOAHMS. Fortunately we were put in touch with a wonderful SW who took the time to listen to me. My OH was put on anti psychotic medication and this did calm him down. Do be brutally honest with your doctor and SW - you need to be able to show them that you can no longer cope and have reached carer breakdown.
A year later my husband has deteriorated a lot, he is no longer aggressive but he has very limited functioning and this is a new type of exhaustion, but better than being shouted at constantly. Good luck, I hope you find some answers.
Hi @sky2 Sorry to hear what you are going through. I've had nastiness and abuse so totally understand how you feel like many others dealing with dementia.
I know it's really hard to react but it makes things worse because they never think it's their fault. Having said that I really do struggle not to react myself and often end with shouting matches, but at the end of the day, I've realised its me that ends up feeling frustrated and hurt. It goes straight over the top of his head as if nothing has happened. I'm learning to walk away. I go out as much as I can. You can't reason with PWD, they are never wrong. Even when I tell him I've had enough of his abuse, I get 'It's not abuse, just words' so no responsibility. I even get 'sorry if you think I've been abusive' so even then means nothing. I get accused of all sorts, none of it true, but as I understand it PWD lose parts of memory and replace it untruths. It then becomes their truth.
It's hard to get help because they can act 'normal' to others and be quite convincing. Help seems to be different depending on where you live.
I lock my bedroom door and make sure I have my mobile charged at all times. ((hugs))
I know it's really hard to react but it makes things worse because they never think it's their fault. Having said that I really do struggle not to react myself and often end with shouting matches, but at the end of the day, I've realised its me that ends up feeling frustrated and hurt. It goes straight over the top of his head as if nothing has happened. I'm learning to walk away. I go out as much as I can. You can't reason with PWD, they are never wrong. Even when I tell him I've had enough of his abuse, I get 'It's not abuse, just words' so no responsibility. I even get 'sorry if you think I've been abusive' so even then means nothing. I get accused of all sorts, none of it true, but as I understand it PWD lose parts of memory and replace it untruths. It then becomes their truth.
It's hard to get help because they can act 'normal' to others and be quite convincing. Help seems to be different depending on where you live.
I lock my bedroom door and make sure I have my mobile charged at all times. ((hugs))
I'm in a similar position with my wife, who is having multiple meltdowns per day and is now starting to get violent. I've have an appointment with the GP booked in 10 days time, apparently that's the best they can do. The main purpose of the call is to get the GP to escalate to adult social services. But it was interesting to read that @JaxG contacted them directly, I didn't know this was possible or how to go about it.
I've contacted them directly, not that they were any help here. Social seems to vary so much in different areas. Good luck UncleZen
Thank you for your replies. Hats off to carers., I never realised how hard this all is. I try to walk away rather than the screaming matches, but it's all so stressful. He has stages of not being able to walk, can't get to bed, can't get to the loo and I can't even get a diagnosis for certain. Looking at private scan tbh.
Hi
Yes, you can contact adult social services directly. Both to request an assessment for your wife and a carers assessment for yourself.
The details will be on the website for your local county council under adult social care. There is probably a phone number to ring and an email address.
hi @UncleZen
Yes, you can contact adult social services directly. Both to request an assessment for your wife and a carers assessment for yourself.
The details will be on the website for your local county council under adult social care. There is probably a phone number to ring and an email address.
Yes I emailed Adult SS and told them I could no longer cope. They emailed me back straight away and they contacted my doctor who called me later that day. It was great to get some help, but help is still limited. When my OH was violent I was told repeatedly that the only solution was to sell our home and split the proceeds which would have left me in financial difficulty. But at least the anti psychotic medication helped and has made life a little easier.
Hi @JaxG
you are entitled to live a life without violence to or towards you (mental and/r physical)
Keep a written diary of all incidents. It may be needed later and a contemporaneous note is better than trying to remember details.
If your OH is or maybe violent to you then you need to immediately call 999 for an ambulance to take OH into secure hospital care for a violent PWD - they may be section him and apply for DoLs.
If the matrimonial house is in his name, your name or joint names, as a spouse you have a right to remain living in that home as long as you wish and the house would not be taken into account in any means testing because of your right to live in it.
If the house is in joint names, it could be owned by you two jointly as "joint tenants" or by you two as "tenants in common". This is nothing to do with a tenancy.
If the house is in joint names as "tenants in common" then it means each joint owner only owns their separate share separately.
Where a property is owned by two or more persons as "joint tenants" then the owners all own all of it (and on a death of one joint owner it passes automatically (ie, irrespective of what's in any Will) to the surviving owner/s. In this case, you could serve a letter on your OH to sever the joint tenancy, so that you then become tenants in common, and this "severance" should be registered at H M Land Registry and it would mean that your OH or the LA ASS cannot make any claim against your separate half of the property.
You may need to check the position at H M Land Registry or speak with solicitors who acted for you when you bought the house, and if necessary, they can check the position for you.
If OH is placed in a care home the LA ASS would want details of you OH's assets. He would be self funding if his assets, other than the house, exceeded £23,250. Is there a LPoA in place?
One adult (for example, you) is not legally bound to look after or pay for the care of another adult (for example, your OH) unless you choose to do so.
Best wishes
Hi @Chizz thanks for this. The reason they said I should sell my home is because SS decided that my OH was not ready for full time care, even though they deemed him to no longer have capacity. There is no way he could have lived independently even then, now it would be a death sentence. We are joint tenants and do not have savings, but it is very hard to get someone into care if the LA are paying.
Fortunately my OH is calmer now, but he has no decision making abilities - to eat, drink, what to wear, bathe, take his pills etc. but because he can walk, still has speech and is not incontinent, I know they would not consider LA funded care even though I am absolutely exhausted. I know his quality of life would be better in care - I don't have the energy for anything but the basics to keep him alive, but I know it's not an option until things get worse and I am completely broken.
Fortunately my OH is calmer now, but he has no decision making abilities - to eat, drink, what to wear, bathe, take his pills etc. but because he can walk, still has speech and is not incontinent, I know they would not consider LA funded care even though I am absolutely exhausted. I know his quality of life would be better in care - I don't have the energy for anything but the basics to keep him alive, but I know it's not an option until things get worse and I am completely broken.
