* life after the funeral

[elisebean23]

I've posted previously on another thread to say my Dad sadly passed away 2 and a half weeks ago now. It was a very difficult time.
We had the funeral yesterday, it went well and I was able to speak at the funeral which meant a lot as I wasn't sure I could do it.
I just feel so empty today. My life for the past few years was totally taking up with looking after my Dad, and supporting my Mum. I've just turned 30 and it feels so sad to have lost him so young, when I have so much more left to live.
I hope it gets easier. it's such a hard way to lose someone, as you grieve throughout the process, and now it feels like I've started again

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry to read of how you feel but I understand. I lost my husband 2.5 years ago and I’ve been where you are.

Grief is different for everyone but I think most people find it a roller coaster of emotions. It’s very very early days for you. You’re right, of course, that we grieve twice with this disease.

You’re still young and you do indeed have all of your life in front of you. It will get easier. It never goes completely but you learn a way to live with it.

It might help you to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. If you speak to your GP he/she may refer you for counselling.

I’m the meantime I’m glad you shared here. You are amongst people who understand.

 

[elisebean23]

Thank you Izzy. It's so hard as I just keep thinking about those hard times my Dad had at the end. If ended up being very sudden, which sounds silly as we knew he was going to go one day, but despite how bad he was within his mind he was so physically fit. I thought he'd last forever.
Inititally it was such a relief as he had sepsis, we had the difficult decision to decide to not treat it and allow him to go which is what we knew he would have wanted (and had agreed to in the power of attorney health papers) so I know it was the right thing. It's just all such a lot to come to terms with.
I know it's part of the course, and it's comforting to think of him now at peace.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello @elisebean23. I am so sorry to hear your sad news, but appreciate you updating us. Please accept my condolences.

My father died suddenly 20 years ago, and my father-in-law died in 2016 from sepsis (he also had cancer). Especially in the weeks and months after my FIL died, I would sort of flash back to the end of his life in hospital. It is hard to block out the unpleasant memories and to focus on the good ones sometimes.

I don't think it sounds silly at all. My father had heart disease and heart failure and was not well, but the sudden death was a terrible shock (especially as I was younger and had little experience of chronic illness and death--I was 28 when he died). It was hard to grasp for quite some time. My father-in-law was very ill with end stage cancer and yet the sepsis and hospital stay at the end also came as a shock. I think that no matter what, it's always a shock to the system, so please don't think you are silly or berate yourself for that.

I definitely know where you are coming from with the feelings of grief and sadness about losing your father at such a young age, and knowing you have to live the rest of your life without him physically present. I am sorry if my words upset you; that is not my intent.

It is not easy, but it is possible, to find a way forward. I urge you to take whatever support you can, counseling, therapy, meditation, exercise, chocolate, whatever works that is helpful.

I agree that one of the many evils of this disease is having to grieve twice.

Everyone experiences grief differently but it is likely to have a lot of ups, downs, and unexpected curves, I am sorry to say. (I especially hated the unexpected parts and often felt I had been punched or stabbed, the feelings were so intense.) Eventually it sort of smooths out, overall. There is no right or wrong with grief: there is only what you feel. You will eventually be able to respond, not just react, to the emotions but right now I would expect it is all very overwhelming.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for what you are experiencing. Please don't hesitate to talk to us here. Very best wishes to you, your mum, and your family at this difficult time.

 

[Marcelle123]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Elise. You must have been holding yourself together for the funeral - and you did well, which is good - but now you are facing up to the lonely reality.

I think Amy is right - take all opportunities for counselling, and you can always unburden yourself on Talking Point.

I lost my father when I was eighteen, almost 50 years ago - the day I got my A-level results. He died suddenly of a heart attack while we were on holiday. It was such a blow, and I spent my university days feeling isolated and depressed and didn't go for counselling. If only I had - in the year after I graduated, I fell prone to panic attacks, which I took a long time to get over.

It is very very hard to process the death of a parent, at such a young age.
Thinking of you, and wishing you some rest & solace. xx

 

[hilaryd]

Hi @elisebean23 - just echoing many of the above comments really. Similar to Marcelle, I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack when I was 20 back in the 1980s, and then my mum to dementia a year ago - quite different experiences, but both painful with a long-lasting effect. Comparing the two, I think there's more support around nowadays - I had some sessions with a bereavement counsellor last year, which were quite helpful, although sometimes quite upsetting - worth a try though. For me, Talking Point remains a lifesaver - people here really understand. My best advice would be just to take life slowly, a day at a time. You've already had lots of grief, and you never know what might trigger it again, or when - there are no rules or norms. Life will feel emptier, but (hopefully) less stressful - now it's time to take care of yourself, at your own pace. Wishing you well xxx

 

[Jessbow]

Give yourself some time, and be kind to yourself.

between the death and the funeral, there is so much to do, so much to think about and plan ( the service the wake, this that and the other. Now you are ''the day after'' your head will have slowed down a bit and have a bit of a 'thought' void. I found this time hardest of all. Until now you had a focus, and now you just have the rest of your life.....and that has no target, no focus.

Give yourself some time, take time out for you, It does get easier eventually x