Liar, liar pants on fire

[northumbrian_k]

My wife went all goonhilly when the lady from social services telephoned this morning, following on from last week's wandering incident. Her listening in did not stop me having a conversation, after which I told an outright lie about who had been on the phone - and one which she accepted readily. It doesn't come easily to me but telling the lie was much better than having to go into the reason for the call, especially as my wife (if she even remembers) would say that it is perfectly normal to "go out for fresh air" after dark and when the temperature is heading to zero. I know this but being a liar is new to me and a skill I'll need to practice.

 

[Macduff]

Hi northumbrian_k,that's about spot on. My wife doesn't want to talk to anyone about her dementia, even mention of the 'd' word sends her into one! I too have to lie about about who is visiting and why. To ease the path I explain to social services and the community nurses that it's best to email me or call on my mobile and leave a message so I can call back when I'm walking the dog and on my own. Oddly enough the whole round of visits and referrals was kicked off when my wife went down the road to our local shop to get a couple of baguettes (300 metres) and got lost on the way back. After 2.5 hours the police found her and of course referred the incident to the local care point.

 

[marionq]

NK I pride myself on being the most honest person I know. Nevertheless if I had to tell a lie to get through another day as carer for my husband then I'd do it. It is like beginning to climb Everest every day just to slide back because of the unexpected. ...... Just keep on going.

 

[karaokePete]

I too pride my self on my honesty - something that was drilled into me by my mother when I was a child and I have always seen the wisdom in her words.
I don't tell lies but instead don't give the full story when trying to hide something. My wife always used to say I could have made a good political spin doctor!
The trouble with an actual lie is that if you are found out trust is broken and may never be restored. Relationships with a PWD are hard enough without that.

 

[northumbrian_k]

[QUOTE="karaokePete, post: 1513929, member: 67505"
I don't tell lies but instead don't give the full story when trying to hide something. My wife always used to say I could have made a good political spin doctor!
The trouble with an actual lie is that if you are found out trust is broken and may never be restored. Relationships with a PWD are hard enough without that.[/QUOTE]

You are quite right about that @karaokePete. I tend to muddy the waters rather than lie (as that takes too much invention, energy and recall) but when it is a phone call it is just easier to say it is from someone different (and plausible) rather than get drawn into a game of 20 questions, especially when it is quickly forgotten.

 

[jaymor]

In a normal relationship I agree that lying is breaking trust and something I would not have done. When it comes to dementia and no memory then yes I used lies. I used them to avoid agitation, aggression, making my husband feel bad, anything to keep things as calm as possible for him. I could see no reason to keep reminding him of his illness by putting him right every time he got something wrong.

He was told of deaths in the family or close acquaintances but only told once. If he asked about them at any time Afterwards I was careful to skim over his question, my answer to we have not seen F for a while would be no, you are right, we must get something sorted. Two minutes later it was forgotten and he might not have mentioned them for months afterwards.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I agree with Jaymor. I see no point in causing hurt and upset, particularly as the reason for the upset is quickly forgotten, but the mood may linger for ages.

Right at the beginning of Mum's illness, I told her (because she asked where my grandmother was) that her mother was dead (she died in 1970) and there were floods of tears as if it were the first time she was hearing this.

So I sidestepped issues. After that, when she asked how her parents were, I would reply "Same as always." Which was true, as they were still dead. Or I would say they were in St. Hubert, the town where the cemetery is located. If Mum said she wanted to visit them, I would put it off to the day after next, as I had a dentist's or doctor's appointment. This was enough reassurance to keep her calm and she would forget.

I refer to these as love lies.

 

[jobo101]

I agree with Jaymor. I see no point in causing hurt and upset, particularly as the reason for the upset is quickly forgotten, but the mood may linger for ages.

Right at the beginning of Mum's illness, I told her (because she asked where my grandmother was) that her mother was dead (she died in 1970) and there were floods of tears as if it were the first time she was hearing this.

So I sidestepped issues. After that, when she asked how her parents were, I would reply "Same as always." Which was true, as they were still dead. Or I would say they were in St. Hubert, the town where the cemetery is located. If Mum said she wanted to visit them, I would put it off to the day after next, as I had a dentist's or doctor's appointment. This was enough reassurance to keep her calm and she would forget.

I refer to these as love lies.

lll