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Left spinning

Lainey 127

Registered User
Nov 25, 2012
Liverpool UK
Two weeks ago Mum had a chest infection; her GP put her on antibiotics and she seemed to perk up a little after a few days, although her appetite was poor and she wasn't eating much.
On Saturday Mum was having problems breathing so we called the out of hours GP. He said "Your Mum's suffered enough, time to let her wind down now. It's not fair to let her carry on living in pain and distress " and signed her up for palliative care.
For two days district nurses called every five or six hours and gave Mum injections of midazolam, she was still able to communicate and was drinking normally and eating small amounts. In between the injections Mum suddenly started to become very agitated and distressed.
Tuesday morning the nurse gave her her injection, and four hours later Mum died in her sleep.

Mum is at peace, and for that I'm grateful, I'm glad it's all over for her but I feel I've just been left spinning....one day I'm a full time carer and the next day it's all over - nothing.
I can't help but wonder if the palliative care hastened Mums death? She was 93 and very frail, I can't get past the awful feeling that the use of such powerful drugs finished her off? I asked the district nurse and she replied "It's always a risk"....
Mums GP has phoned me twice since to ask if I'm happy with the care Mum was given and I've made an appointment to talk it over with him.
Has anyone else been left with unanswered questions or felt that their loved ones treatment was taken out of their hands?
Thinking tonight of all of you wonderful carers who have lost loved ones to this awful disease, wishing you all peace of mind, comfort and rest.
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Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
British Isles
So sorry for your loss Lainey but please don't torment yourself about your Mum's death, as you said the injections were to avoid her suffering distress.

Make a written note of the questions you want to ask the doctor just in case you get very distressed during the appointment and end up leaving with unanswered questions.

You have been a wonderful carer and now it is time to get some rest and start caring for yourself - your Mum is at peace.


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
I am sorry to hear of your loss and understand your 'spinning' over the sudden change from carer to nothing. That is very hard.

Your Mother is at peace and my thoughts are if I were in your Mother's state with poor breathing etc then I think I would be glad to have such caring Dr and nurses - helping me through the distress at end of life stage. Whilst saying that I hope your questions and doubts are answered clearly so that you can feel easy about it.

My thoughts are with you at this very sad and difficult time.


Registered User
Jan 23, 2015
Lainey, I'm so sorry. I'm heading there myself. My mum has been in and out of hospital this year and now they've said further admissions are not in her best interests. Logically it's the right decision but it won't be any easier for me than it is for you. Make sure you are clear in your mind what happened and remember that she's not struggling any more. Easier said than done I'm sure. Look after yourself. xx


Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
East Coast of Australia
Sorry for your loss, We always seem to go over and over what was done, what should have been done, what ought to have been done or not done etc. But if your Mum had live well for most of her long life and was now suffering to go lightly is the aim anyway. Hope you feel that too in time.


Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
North East England
Lainey, I am so sorry for your loss. Having recently lost my Mum I have some idea of what you feel.
Approximately 12 weeks later, I am still struggling with the idea of not having to timetable my days around being with Mum. It's not that I am wracked with grief....to me her passing came at the right time for her, it is simply that, for many years my days were taken up with caring for Mum and now I'm redundant as a carer.

Take time to grieve, remember and smile at the memories.xx.


Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
Brixham Devon
Lainey-I'm very sorry that you have lost your Mum. 'Spinning' is a good description; Dementia, and the death of the sufferer, does put the carer in a whirl. The emotions that we have experienced for many years, whether that is grief, sorrow, or pity are just further underlined when our loved one passes away.

You have doubts in your mind so it's good to go to see the GP. I hope he will be able to offer you answers and understanding for what happened. Lots of Carers on this Forum are plagued by doubts/regrets when death happens, and sometimes questions are asked and answers are needed. I resisted the option of requesting the Coroner's report to be sent to me when my OH died last December; I reasoned that I had been involved in his care, even when he was in his CH, and I knew that the Carers had done EVERYTHING to keep Pete comfortable and pain free. For me that was enough, for others it wouldn't have been. However, I do hope that after the meeting with the GP you can find some peace and accept that your Mum is now pain free and remember her as she was before she became ill.

Take care


Lyn T XX


Registered User
May 23, 2014
Lainey - condolences on the loss of your Mother. My husband too was given midazolam and morphine for the last few days which kept him pain free and peaceful for which I will be eternally grateful having witnessed the previous days of distress, pain and severe confusion he was suffering. Every "passing" is individual and I hope your GP will be able to give you satisfactory answers to your questions but your dear Mother at a goodly age is now pain and confusion free. Hope you can come to terms with your loss without too much painful soul-searching and remember happy memories of your time with her. Thinking of you WIFE