Lasting Power of Attorney

[MrsChristmas]

Hello there

I have joint LPA with my brother which was started in 2015 when our Mum became very forgetful.

Prior to that I agreed that my brother handle Mum's finances as I had family responsibilities - this was around 2013.

Things have been ticking along although I started to notice that Mum grew very reserved when i tried to help her with GP stuff and I gradually got more shut out. I lived next door to her but still did all of the normal work for her - such as shopping and other stuff. My brother lived far away and visited rarely but paid her bills and handled her (quite large) financial affairs.

Gradually Mum's financial independence seemed to ebb away so that she had no cards or cash - although I had agreed with my brother that she should not have these cards because she is very vulnerable, forgets her pin code - but I didn't realise that she'd end up no cash. Last Christmas she was upset that she had no money to buy presents and had often said that my brother had all of her money and that she couldn't access it. I did contact my brother and share my concerns and he sent her some cash.

Mum had a 'accident' in June 2020 and we decided to contact Social Care who were going to persuade Mum to have help /care - which she'd always refused (now nearly 95). It was never resolved because Mum would not answer their calls.

During one conversation that I had with Social Care I was told that my brother was the 'Aggressor' and had said that ' he was not going to spend money on Mum's care' - this worried me.

I have now moved away and decided to contact my brother via email asking to see Mum's finances in my capacity as the other LPA - just to make sure that all was okay. He has tried everything for me to not see Mum's finances telling me that Mum prefers things the way they are and why am I asking now? I have spoken to Mum and she has told me that she doesn't want any changes but thought that I had as much access to her finances as my brother did. I have told her that I'm worried that she has no money but she she's very, very forgetful and pretends that she can't remember.

On the day that I moved my brother drove down to see me and showed all Mum's finances set out on a lap top so it did seem to be okay. I told him that I should have equal rights and access as we are both LPAs but he just says that Mum just wants him to deal with her affairs.

My brother has just turned 70 and I asked what plans he had in place if he should become ill or die and he told me that he would put all the access information with his wife who would then pass it to a Solicitor. I have told him that I am very unhappy about this arrangement and would prefer all Mum's affairs to be passed to me as the other LPA.

We have had several email conversations and he refuses to budge saying that this is what Mum wants.

Dad left the money to Mum to make sure that she is well care for and I don't agree that Mum is , especially since I have moved away. Mum is now reliant on my brother and me visiting very rarely and there is no one to look out for her.

I have told Mum I'm worried about her, pointed out that she could fall and no-one would find her but she just accepts it.

I feel incredibly hurt by my brother's behaviour he seems to have taken complete control of Mum's life so that she is trapped in her home with no help, contact or family support.

Is there anything I can do?

I had considered seeing a Solicitor because of Mum's diagnosis of Dementia is this something I should do?

I just feel that my brother is holding all of the cards and I'm now shut out completely.



I have emailed my brother several times

 

[Sarasa]

I'm wondering if it's worth you contacting the Office of the Public Guardian about this? The link takes you to their website and contact details are at the bottom. My understanding is that your brother should be sharing this information with you if you ask. My brother and I act jointly and severely for my mother. He is very ill so I do all the actual work, but I keep him in the loop as to what's happening. If he was at all concerned about any action I'd taken I'd let him see the details so he could check, and I think your brother should too. I don't think he can chose who acts for him if he is unable unless it was already set out in the LPA (my husband and brother's wife are down on ours as deputies just in case).
Apart from that I'm concerned about your mother. If you are no longer next door and your brother rarely visits who is making sure she is OK. I think it might be worth contacting social services about this again.
I'm sure others will be along soon with better advice @MrsChristmas

 

[MrsChristmas]

thank you Sarasa that has helped a lot.

 

[canary]

This has been a long saga hasnt it @MrsChristmas ?

I seem to remember that you told SS the date you were moving and that your brother is unwilling to organise carers for her. Is this right?
I would also agree with @Sarasa that contacting the Offices of Public Guardians is a good idea. It may be that your brother is not misappropriating your mums funds, but is instead hoarding them and not willing to organise care so that he is keeping "his inheritance" safe.

 

[Banjomansmate]

I would think that all you need is a Certified copy of the financial LPA to take to your Mother’s Bank and ask to be added to those with access to her account, that would at least let you see whether any cash is available for her, although now you have moved away it could be difficult for you to get it to her.
Unless you know what and where her other finances are kept there isn’t much else you can do about them, your brother hold all the cards there.

 

[Louise7]

I would think that all you need is a Certified copy of the financial LPA to take to your Mother’s Bank and ask to be added to those with access to her account, that would at least let you see whether any cash is available for her, although now you have moved away it could be difficult for you to get it to her.

I don't know if all banks are the same, but mum had 3 joint & several attorneys and when we registered the LPA with the bank they would only provide account access/debit cards to one of us. I'm not sure if they would be able to retrospectively provide access to all attorneys but as only one of us attended the bank to lodge the LPA (the other two lived miles away) access was only provided to the attorney who had lodged the LPA with the bank.

 

[Lynmax]

I don't know if all banks are the same, but mum had 3 joint & several attorneys and when we registered the LPA with the bank they would only provide account access/debit cards to one of us. I'm not sure if they would be able to retrospectively provide access to all attorneys but as only one of us attended the bank to lodge the LPA (the other two lived miles away) access was only provided to the attorney who had lodged the LPA with the bank.

Banks must differ in their policies as all three attorneys were given access and debit cards for Mums account. We did all go to the bank together to register them but the bank would have been happy if one of us had gone to a different branch. The bank also allowed mum to keep her own debit card and cheque book which I understand not all banks do.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

OK, let's get one thing straight: your brother is wrong when he says your mother wants him to do it all. Your mother has dementia. When she set up the LPA she was very clear about wanting BOTH of you to handle her finances, not just your brother. This is what counts, not anything she might say now.

I had similar issues with my brother - we were both joint attorneys. At first he insisted mum (and dad, 25 years dead) had always said he wasn't to discuss finances with me and that he had promised he would not. That's a load of bull! I spent far more time with mum (before her major crisis) than he did and every visit she would bring out bank statements, tell me how much she had, talked about her tax situation and showed me her will! She was much closer to me and actively disliked my brother! But in any case, the important thing was that she had made us joint attorneys.

Brother and I fell out over this. Finally I insisted, saying either he showed me all the financial details or I would go to the OPG and make a complaint. He's actually very keen to be beyond reproach and all the legal side of things so he gave way reluctantly. I was happy to let him handle things as long as I got regular bulletins.

However, although there was never a question of dishonesty at any point, I needed that reassurance. As joint LPA, you are absolutely entitled to full disclosure and should insist on it.

 

[MrsChristmas]

This has been a long saga hasnt it @MrsChristmas ?

I seem to remember that you told SS the date you were moving and that your brother is unwilling to organise carers for her. Is this right?
I would also agree with @Sarasa that contacting the Offices of Public Guardians is a good idea. It may be that your brother is not misappropriating your mums funds, but is instead hoarding them and not willing to organise care so that he is keeping "his inheritance" safe.

Yes a long saga indeed. I am going to do just as you advise Canary. I am also going to contact social care again but I don't hold out much hope. Thank you very much.

 

[MrsChristmas]

OK, let's get one thing straight: your brother is wrong when he says your mother wants him to do it all. Your mother has dementia. When she set up the LPA she was very clear about wanting BOTH of you to handle her finances, not just your brother. This is what counts, not anything she might say now.

I had similar issues with my brother - we were both joint attorneys. At first he insisted mum (and dad, 25 years dead) had always said he wasn't to discuss finances with me and that he had promised he would not. That's a load of bull! I spent far more time with mum (before her major crisis) than he did and every visit she would bring out bank statements, tell me how much she had, talked about her tax situation and showed me her will! She was much closer to me and actively disliked my brother! But in any case, the important thing was that she had made us joint attorneys.

Brother and I fell out over this. Finally I insisted, saying either he showed me all the financial details or I would go to the OPG and make a complaint. He's actually very keen to be beyond reproach and all the legal side of things so he gave way reluctantly. I was happy to let him handle things as long as I got regular bulletins.

However, although there was never a question of dishonesty at any point, I needed that reassurance. As joint LPA, you are absolutely entitled to full disclosure and should insist on it.

Thank you for your support it is so appreciated. I 'm going to do as you advise because I am entitled to full disclosure. That's why two LPAs are appointed to prevent just what has happened to us.

 

[MrsChristmas]

Hello there again

I went to see my Mum today and my brother was there with her. My brother had organised a Solicitor to come and see Mum to try and sort things out between the three of us. My brother says that he cannot resolve the conflict between me and Mum! It's not between us it's between me and my brother!

Mum has made it clear that she only wants my brother to deal with her finances and got very cross with me. She says that I am after her money! She cannot why I'm a Power of Attorney. She says that my brother has been dealing with her finances for years.

Mum asked me why I wanted to be involved and I said that I had duties under the LPA she gave me but she would not or could not understand. She was emphatic that she did not want me involved.

My brother and my mother did all of the talking and it was quite a tense meeting between the three of us. Mum also said that my sister-in-law should be involved too although in what capacity I don't know. I made it clear that I did not want third party involvement.

In the end Mum agreed that I could be informed once a year about the finances and any expenditure on Mum so I guess that's some progress.

It may be that Mum will decide to remove the LPA from me and put it with a Solicitor.

I've gone from being Mum's unpaid carer to an outsider all because I tried to make sure that her finances were being looked after okay. I just feel really sad that me trying to help Mum and has turned her against me.

 

[canary]

Im so sorry @MrsChristmas . I know a lot of people with dementia think that their main carer is stealing from them (mum thought I was stealing from her too), but it hurts doesnt it? It also doesnt help that your brother is taking what she says at face value.

I honestly think that you have done all that you can. Perhaps now that you have moved it is time to step back. Still keep in contact, but you wont be available to do the hands-on caring. At least your brother has agreed to send you copies of the accounts once a year and if its any consolation, with you not being around she is likely to transfer her delusion of being stolen from to your brother (which might come as a surprise to him)