Lack of family support

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Reds, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. Reds

    Reds Registered User

    Sep 5, 2011
    Hi again!

    Feeling a bit annoyed about not getting enough family support. Sometimes my family do nice things of course but I just don't think they commit themselves or push an extra mile for us. I am surprised because of the support we have given a couple of members and feel they ought to be at least a bit more sympathetic. I am very limited due to my husband's behaviour about where we can go and what we can do but I don't think this is taken on board enough. I think as time goes on their thoughts fade about the fact my husband has Alzheimer's and I'm living with the symptoms on a day to day basis. I feel people get so wrapped up in their own lives they just don't see the struggles I am facing. We are just at the end of having our kitchen updated and its been very tough, all on my shoulders but not even the offer of a meal! I can't take my husband to restaurants on my own as would be more stress that I can do without at the moment. I just can't understand why people don't see that we have been in a difficult situation recently.

    I asked a member of the family if they wouldn't mind giving me some cover for my husband while I am out on a coach day trip in the summer and although I understand that person has other commitments I have helped them a lot and forego other things to do so. I think I should be able to talk to that person about my feelings without the person going off in a huff too. The person's reply was as the summer holiday time they might well be doing something! Well as I said I often give things and my precious time. Don't want to sound bitter but I can't help noticing and feel quite amazed still about this.

  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Welcome to my world reds and I'm sure many others on here feel exactly the same way.
  3. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Oh that's sad , sometimes it's head in the sand I think and some well , too pre occupied until,something smacks them in the face to wake up (not meaning you slap them by the way ) :D
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
  5. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    Another snap!
  6. Miss Merlot

    Miss Merlot Registered User

    Oct 15, 2012
    This is why I am glad OH is an only child with no family beyond me and MIL (minus an elderly aunt and one cousin - both miles away).

    No one at all to ask for help, but - at the same time - no one to disappoint us either.
  7. bills

    bills Registered User

    Apr 24, 2015
    hi to you, yes I know how you feel people carry on with there own lives, they think your ok but stress gets harder to deal with I've been on my own you come to realise who are your true friends and family but all I can say all the resentment just keeps pilling up from my experience as long as your doing your best they will only help if they have the time so remember you will have no guilt :)
  8. Perdita

    Perdita Registered User

    Jun 22, 2009
    Suffolk, Uk
    The thing that annoys me is that family members feel it's ok to turn away from the dementia sufferer because it upsets them- so what if you're upset by what you see? This person is still a member of your family:(
  9. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK
    Double snap !! :(

    Had problems with 'invisible family' (in laws) when my husband was alive.
    What bothered me the most, was had the situation been reversed I know I/we would have helped them.

    Before stroke (TiAs... VaD). we were the ones who dropped everything to help them do x y z ...
    But when we / I needed support , help.... nothing !!

    Perdita.... had that response from in laws... too upset to see their brother...

    Now MiL with Alz.... family (HER OWN DAUTHTERS AND SONS) again are choosing to ignore the problems.
  10. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    I feel the same way. I was mother to my stepdaughter from her being the age of eleven, her mother having passed away. She as caused us all sort of problems over the years, many failed romances, one failed marriage, and a suicide attempt over a lost love. In spite of having two other children to care for, we gave her all the help and support we could.

    Now she is remarried and fairly stable, and our relationship is very good. She has us to stay and she and her OH come and stay with us, I get lots of sympathy, but when I asked if she could have her dad for a weekend, to give me a break, it fell on stony ground. MOH's AZ isn't too bad yet, his medication has settled him down, and he has not deteriorated since his last assessment. He spends most of his time playing games on his I-pad, so very quiet and occupied for most of the time, but still enjoys a trip to the pub now and again.

    I'm very disappointed in my stepdaughter, as she has no children to care for I feel she could give me a break, but no. She makes a lot of us when she see us, but that's as far as it goes.
  11. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK
    I hated the unannounced pop in visits, when family in laws told me how they would do things differently...
    Of course their way, was always best.
    I think they thought 'husband would snap out of it' .... if they did it their way.
    Their way complete opposite from 'Compassionate Communication'....

    OOOhhh, but if they wanted something.... you can bet they would ring !!
    But never available to sit husband if I asked for a little break.
  12. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    West London
    Can relate to that reds...when
    My dad was dying from cancer my brother, that woman he's married to and his kids all played the devoted family when he hit deaths door, the sister in law was practically chief mourner at his funeral.

    Now here I am alone with my mother and not a single family member to help....not even a phone call to be honest...not even her siblings bother...any hint of Alzheimer's or dementia and people run a mile. I will remind them all of how they turned their backs the day I say goodbye to me mum, furious and hurt and I will never help any of them again...saying that, most of my friends are the same too....useless beyond words

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  13. fredsnail

    fredsnail Registered User

    Dec 21, 2008
    I can relate to all of these posts - I lost count of the times I was told "I want to remember him how he was" or when we told his daughter that he'd mistaken us for her "oh good I won't have to visit for a while" (she only ever made 2 trips a year anyway).

  14. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    West London
    The I want to remember him as he was comment would annoy me.y niece had the cheek to say something along those lines about my mum. My mum was blooming good to her. I wouldn't mind but my niece is a Registered Nurse and works with sick and vulnerable people every day but can't face my mum for a a few hours? I have to face it every single day and the constant questions on loop are wearing me down...

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  15. Reds

    Reds Registered User

    Sep 5, 2011
    Thanks for all the replies. I really hate feeling negative or bitter about how I feel about a lack of support from family and friends and sometimes I think am I sure this is happening! I am very pleased with all the help I have been given but think the mile should be pushed a bit! Its not as though my husband has just memory loss which I know is awful but also has a behavioural problem too which restricts us in all sorts of ways and this is why I just don't get why people don't want to help a bit more. Such as I know if I picked up the phone right now and said there was an emergency and we were at the hospital everyone would come running. However, we need support on a more regular basis even if just a text saying 'how are you doing' instead of feeling as though we are left to carry on as though nothing is happening.


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