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Keep calm and carry on

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
The last 2 days have been a sundowning nightmare, culminating last night in my OH trying to give the dog more food at 10pm, and saying that he hadn’t eaten either. As I was washing said dinner dishes at the time, I just lost it and threw them on the floor, followed by a glass. Of course then I had to clean it all up, and he actually calmed down a bit. This morning I feel down and disappointed with myself, but I’m not going to beat myself up. This dementia certainly takes its toll of even the calmest of people. Normally I walk away, and I am not a shouty woman, but last night I just snapped. I’m mad with me because those plates were Denby and were 27yrs old. Please tell me I’m not alone in doing this.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
7,747
0
Bristol
Sorry you had one of those nights @Thethirdmrsc. I usually end up taking it out on computer voices while some phone call keeps me on hold for 20 minutes. C tells me off, of course.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,026
0
N Ireland
Hello @Thethirdmrsc.

I haven't smashed anything yet, but no, you aren't alone in losing it. Be kind to yourself.

When I lose it I remind myself that my wife won't remember anything and that it will just be me beating myself up if I hold the memory.

It's like when you are driving and another motorist cuts you up. If you get annoyed it's only you who will have a bad day as the other driver has just gone on their merry way without a thought.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,117
0
Yorkshire
you're not alone @Thethirdmrsc
you needed to let out your feelings

this is, though, out of character for you (if I understand correctly) so needs to be acknowledged ... have you any support in place ... maybe, with restrictions lifting, it's time to look into home care, day care and respite because your welfare matters and that 'snapping' is a signal to pay attention to your needs

and have some cushions or soft toys around so you can throw without having to clear up afterwards
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,758
0
Dorset
I sometimes think pussyfooting around the person with dementia doesn’t help matters. I know they cannot always help what they are doing but, as you found last night, an occasional show of distress/anger on your part brings them up short, even just for a little while.
Sometimes, if I heard The Banjoman being rude to a member of staff when he was in residential care, I would tell him off and it usually stopped the behaviour and he looked contrite. The carer would look at me in astonishment but of course I could do that, they just had to accept it.
Annoying about the Denby though, maybe you can find replacements on eBay?
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
Thank you all, and it’s good to talk! We are moving in 2 weeks, so I do understand that this is making him more anxious. Sometimes he will take a diazepam and this helps calm him down. We are moving to a town, where yes hopefully, there will be more help for him and more social things to do. Thank you @Banjomansmate i never thought of eBay for that!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
@Thethirdmrsc you are human not a saint. ive lost it when he has criticize the way im doing things and i tell him to do it himself. i have to be careful but ive gone to my room and thrown something at the door. im not a shouter as such, im more likely to burst into tears which is how i release the feelings. moving is stressful anyway without the added bonus of PWD sundowning when you dont need them to
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
204
0
@Thethirdmrsc Oh I've done it too! I opened the back door and threw a lovely mug out which smashed into many pieces! Next morning I was out there gathering up the bits. Ah well life goes on.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
@Thethirdmrsc you are human not a saint. ive lost it when he has criticize the way im doing things and i tell him to do it himself. i have to be careful but ive gone to my room and thrown something at the door. im not a shouter as such, im more likely to burst into tears which is how i release the feelings. moving is stressful anyway without the added bonus of PWD sundowning when you dont need them to
the bathroom is my go to place, and I am looking forward to our move, as there are two bathrooms, hopefully mine will have a lock!
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
@Thethirdmrsc Oh I've done it too! I opened the back door and threw a lovely mug out which smashed into many pieces! Next morning I was out there gathering up the bits. Ah well life goes on.
Satisfaction at the time, but I even had to move the fridge today as there were pieces under there! But sometimes anger is needed surely?!
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
17
0
I totally get your frustration. I find that I am increasingly flying off the handle at my partner. It can be something quite trivial but I snap. Last night ,for example, I had given him tea and a slice of cake. For some reason he went to the fridge,spooned coleslaw into a glass and added water. On the scale of things this was nothing but I lost it.Things can look calm on the surface but it worries me that this is all bubbling under. I feel guilty when he looks bewildered and can’t understand why I’ve been ranting at him. My tolerance levels are low.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,331
0
Victoria, Australia
I think you need to remember that there are two people in your relationship and it is unreasonable and impossible for one to be able to behave in a certain way and for the other to remain patient and unflappable at all times.

I actually found that losing it occasionally was of benefit to both of us. I wasn't bottling things up and that improved my mental state and OH recognized the signs that I was about to blow and backed off.

I think sometimes we can be a little too accommodating when PWD get a bit antsy and I think we often forget that we are merely humans trying to do our best. We have needs that are seldom met appropriately and cope in difficult situations but that doesn't mean that we are saints. It just means that we are heroes and that includes you.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
Thank you @Lawson58 they are very kind words, and very true. My daughter made me laugh when I was telling her about the plates. That should be one of the dementia commandments if there were any, “ remember to occasionally let off steam”!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,557
0
Southampton
Thank you @Lawson58 they are very kind words, and very true. My daughter made me laugh when I was telling her about the plates. That should be one of the dementia commandments if there were any, “ remember to occasionally let off steam”!
maybe next time with cheaper plates or tin. plastic doesnt have the noise so not the same affect
 

Janey B

Registered User
Aug 15, 2019
67
0
Northwest
I think you need to remember that there are two people in your relationship and it is unreasonable and impossible for one to be able to behave in a certain way and for the other to remain patient and unflappable at all times.

I actually found that losing it occasionally was of benefit to both of us. I wasn't bottling things up and that improved my mental state and OH recognized the signs that I was about to blow and backed off.

I think sometimes we can be a little too accommodating when PWD get a bit antsy and I think we often forget that we are merely humans trying to do our best. We have needs that are seldom met appropriately and cope in difficult situations but that doesn't mean that we are saints. It just means that we are heroes and that includes you.

Love this, so sad but true
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
306
0
What is sundowning when it starts at 10am and continues on and off during the day, it’s probably just dementia right? I am trying all the diversion tactics and 2 diazepam, so hopefully no broken plates tonight 🥴
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
52
0
@Lawson58 'Two people' involved. Thank you for that. I regularly hear of the compassionate communication system - which does work and is well worth checking out - but I also want to scream,: it's not just about you! I have feelings too. I'd like a bit of compassion as well... Haven't broken anything yet but feeling sad and lonely right now. We had a nice day out though OH needed lots of help and attention... but oh how I miss the man he used to be. Feels like having a large child with me and I fear care might be the next step soon...
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,331
0
Victoria, Australia
@Lawson58 'Two people' involved. Thank you for that. I regularly hear of the compassionate communication system - which does work and is well worth checking out - but I also want to scream,: it's not just about you! I have feelings too. I'd like a bit of compassion as well... Haven't broken anything yet but feeling sad and lonely right now. We had a nice day out though OH needed lots of help and attention... but oh how I miss the man he used to be. Feels like having a large child with me and I fear care might be the next step soon...
Unfortunately, one of the saddest things about dementia is the loss of empathy by the PWD. When that goes, they no longer have the ability to see anything from the other person's point of view and it becomes all about them and they just don't get that their illness is impacting on the other halfof their relationship.

My husband used to say that " we need to have a talk" but inevitably that talk would end up with him telling me that I was stupid to feel a particular way. He had no comprehension of how his dementia was affecting me, the plans we had made and lost, the destruction of our feelings about one another.

Yes there are two people involved but it is never fair or equal.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
52
0
@Lawson58 Yes, this is familiar. If I get upset (tend to cry rather than shout in first instance) he gets angry, tells me how weak I am and to stop 'boo-hooing' but I never get a hug or anything. And the ' we need to talk' for us is 'I need to tell you something' which is usually about an incontinence accident which he thinks has just started to happen (no, 5 months and counting). Cue an hour trying to explain once more about pads etc - and end of that evening having any chance of being nice. The other trouble is that he simply doesn't remember the night before. He is just getting up now and will need help to get dressed and be given meds, but he will have forgotten being in such a strop last night that he stonked off to bed at 9 o'clock without even telling me and threw all my clothes out the room and onto the spare bed. So hard to detach and not feel bad myself today as I do remember and the upset stopped me sleeping for hours. I know many on here have it much worse but personally I don't feel I can cope with him here much longer.