Just need to talk

[Suer]

Mum was diagnosed with AD about 2.5 years ago, thought we were coping pretty well , got a carer coming in 3 times a week to do evening meal & I cover the other days. The carer is great & if she can will cover for our holidays so it's not been too bad. When I. read on here how difficult it is for others I've just felt we were fortunate . The last 10 days mum has gone badly downhill. She lives on her own about 5 mins drive from me (I'm the only child) and has started ringing me panicking about things that don't make any sense. At first I just dashed round but now I'm trying to work out if it is really urgent- sometime she rings early in the morning & I think it may just be that she is having a bad dream or she can't work out how to put her trousers on!

She's only ringing 2 or 3 times a day which I know isn't that bad but she is so confused and it is difficult to talk to her sometimes when I'm at work . I just feel like bursting into tears all the time. She hasn't been assessed by social services, although they are aware of her condition. It wasn't until I read on here recently that she should be assessed that I contacted them, they kept asking me what she needed & I said I didn't know that's why she needed to be assessed by experts. They finally grudgingly agreed to assess me as a carer but I have to wait 4/5 weeks for a call back.
The difficulty is that on some levels I guess mum isn't too bad, she is getting up & just about dressed, she still goes out to the shops. ( luckily she lives in a village where the shopkeepers are used to elderly people) but I'm finding it exhausting. Her Gp is great & when I took mum yesterday as I wondered if her increased confusion might be an infection she ran a full check up on her & prescribed antibiotics just in case.

I think my problem is that mum was always such an independent capable person, my dad died 12 years ago & she just coped with that, moved house about 6 years ago without any bother & I'm also not very good at asking for help. My husband is very supportive especially as all I seem to do at the moment is burst into tears,but I just seem to be worrying all the time , which is not like me.

Really just wanted to get this off my chest , partly I think it's not knowing what to do for the best or who to get advice from. I know everyone is in the same boat & that we are a lot luckier than some so l feel like I am moaning but do feel better for putting it all down

 

[Dee68]

Not Alone

Hi Suer

I had an extension built on my house about 8yrs ago and we also kind of joked that it was for my mum and dad when they were older instead of going into a home. It was partly true but I just didn't really think it would happen although the offer has always been there. In Nov 13 they took me up on that offer...at first I thought they were joking but soon realised that they weren't. A few odd things happened like the salt and pepper in the bin, in the microwave, having a go at me for throwing stuff away when they had told me to, nearly setting the kitchen on fire because they forgot about the sausages!

Dad has mixed dementia. A little Alzheimer's and a little Vascular.
Mum is still waiting on her final diagnosis but in some ways she is so much worse than Dad.

So they moved in with me and my family in Nov 13. My siblings are in Scotland and sometimes come and see them for a day, or a weekend. So far one day and one weekend.

My kids moved rooms, we moved rooms, we got their furniture in, I dealt with the moving, the house, the financial side of things, the bills, telling everyone. I'm now selling their house, in the process of getting LPA, I am finally getting CA. My partner works full time, I work part time but have other voluntary commitments that I've now had to reduce. ... and the list goes on...

The thing is Suer, I teach Mental Health, I've done courses on dementia. I've researched it. I've taken them to every doctor's appointment, every hospital appointment. They have a very long list of other conditions... me thinks they are working their way through a medical book of diseases and conditions!! lol I do all their medicines, feel like a drug dealer at times! I rush them to hospital when they think they are having heart attacks, spending 10hrs there, while my work gets left and I have to play catch up before going straight into a class. I'm up through the night taking the dog out, checking they are ok. Dad has been halluncinating lately so I've had to take the keys out of front door now.

I have had no social care assessments as they don't think they're that bad. I don't think they are that bad. Saying that, I have to give them their pills otherwise they double dose. I have to cook for them otherwise they wouldn't eat, put their hand on the cooker, leave it on, etc., and someone has to clean up all the mess in the toilet. It's not all the time but I want them to live a good, decent, stress-free, clean life and so I do it.

The point is... you are not on your own. I'm not on my own. It just feels like it. The more you share, the easier it will be and the less isolated you might feel. Take care of yourself and remember it's not your fault. It is not your fault that she is like this, don't beat yourself up about it. xx

 

[stanleypj]

I think the reactions you describe are quite common, judging by what I've read on TP. I also think that many of us are aware that many people have it a lot tougher than us but, as you're finding, that doesn't necessarily make it easier to feel that we are coping as well as we would wish to. So guilt is often mentioned in posts here.

But guilt is no help at all and we have to try and banish it. It sounds as though you are doing everything you can to help your mum and you have done the right thing in asking for an assessment.

Clearly, it's very upsetting for you to think about the changes in your independent, capable mum but the more you are able to share your thoughts and feelings, the more you will start to feel that, as Dee says, you are not alone. And this in itself can make a significant difference.

Take care.

 

[stanleypj]

Hi Suer

I had an extension built on my house about 8yrs ago and we also kind of joked that it was for my mum and dad when they were older instead of going into a home. It was partly true but I just didn't really think it would happen although the offer has always been there. In Nov 13 they took me up on that offer...at first I thought they were joking but soon realised that they weren't. A few odd things happened like the salt and pepper in the bin, in the microwave, having a go at me for throwing stuff away when they had told me to, nearly setting the kitchen on fire because they forgot about the sausages!

Dad has mixed dementia. A little Alzheimer's and a little Vascular.
Mum is still waiting on her final diagnosis but in some ways she is so much worse than Dad.

So they moved in with me and my family in Nov 13. My siblings are in Scotland and sometimes come and see them for a day, or a weekend. So far one day and one weekend.

My kids moved rooms, we moved rooms, we got their furniture in, I dealt with the moving, the house, the financial side of things, the bills, telling everyone. I'm now selling their house, in the process of getting LPA, I am finally getting CA. My partner works full time, I work part time but have other voluntary commitments that I've now had to reduce. ... and the list goes on...

The thing is Suer, I teach Mental Health, I've done courses on dementia. I've researched it. I've taken them to every doctor's appointment, every hospital appointment. They have a very long list of other conditions... me thinks they are working their way through a medical book of diseases and conditions!! lol I do all their medicines, feel like a drug dealer at times! I rush them to hospital when they think they are having heart attacks, spending 10hrs there, while my work gets left and I have to play catch up before going straight into a class. I'm up through the night taking the dog out, checking they are ok. Dad has been halluncinating lately so I've had to take the keys out of front door now.

I have had no social care assessments as they don't think they're that bad. I don't think they are that bad. Saying that, I have to give them their pills otherwise they double dose. I have to cook for them otherwise they wouldn't eat, put their hand on the cooker, leave it on, etc., and someone has to clean up all the mess in the toilet. It's not all the time but I want them to live a good, decent, stress-free, clean life and so I do it.

The point is... you are not on your own. I'm not on my own. It just feels like it. The more you share, the easier it will be and the less isolated you might feel. Take care of yourself and remember it's not your fault. It is not your fault that she is like this, don't beat yourself up about it. xx

Just noticed that this your first post Dee. Welcome.

I'm sure that you will already have helped Suer and others who came across your very helpful contribution.

Thank you.

 

[Suer]

Thank you

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me and yes, I do have loads of guilt around ieven though I know it's no one's fault. In fact, today mum seems a bit improved, whether it's the sunshine, the antibiotics or the fact I took her to the football ( which she has always loved) and we won, who knows. My New Years resolution was to ask for more help and posting on here is part of that so thanks again