Hello everyone,
I have been following this forum for a couple of years, since my mum started showing signs of dementia, and find it very useful and comforting. My mum (86) was diagnosed with mixed dementia 18 months ago, my dad is 89 and has all his faculties but had been finding it very difficult to cope. I am an only child and was living in France with my husband and daughter. In March during a visit to my parents I finally accepted that they needed daily help and support, which was impossible to give while living abroad. So we decided as a family to move back to the UK, which we did last week. Now we are living 3 miles away so it’s easy to go over every day or as needed.
So now I am faced with the reality of providing care and I have to say it’s a daunting prospect! My mum is a very strong character and is fiercely resistant to help or what she sees as interference. She’s completely unaware of her condition although, with the doctor’s encouragement, I explained the diagnosis to her at the time. She thinks she’s fine. In the last 6 months however, she has stopped washing, she smells and wears the same dirty clothes all the time. Their flat is also pretty dirty. Mum still washes up but that’s about it. My dad does his best: he’s been doing the shopping and laundry. The worst thing really is the relationship between mum and dad. There’s a lot of shouting because dad tries to manage her (e.g. stopping her walking 2 miles to the bank to withdraw cash that she doesn’t need) and she goes berserk at the least sign of anyone trying to control her.
So the question is, now I am here, what’s the best way to make things better for them? I didn’t want to barge in and take over, causing a massive disruption. So I have started gradually, spending 2-3 hours there every other day. I’ve been shopping, cooking meals and I actually managed to clean the bathroom without mum noticing yesterday. She gets very offended if I start cleaning, for obvious reasons.
The most pressing and perplexing problem really is mum’s personal care. I’ve read the information on this site about washing and dressing but I just cannot imagine how I will overcome mum’s resistance. She’s so feisty and easily offended and if she gets a whiff of me trying to organise her she will start crying and shouting, saying “you’re as bad as your father”! Oh dear.
I should just add that mum was assessed by the Community Mental Health team about a year ago. They came round and interviewed her and she was very upset afterwards and said they didn’t need any help. All they offered was to take mum out for a couple of hours a week to give dad a break. She wouldn’t have gone along with that. Eventually they rang me and said they were closing the case because everything they had offered was turned down by my parents. Now that mum’s personal care situation has deteriorated, perhaps it might be time for a reassessment?
Pleased to meet you all and look forward to friendly interactions as we embark on this new life adventure!
I have been following this forum for a couple of years, since my mum started showing signs of dementia, and find it very useful and comforting. My mum (86) was diagnosed with mixed dementia 18 months ago, my dad is 89 and has all his faculties but had been finding it very difficult to cope. I am an only child and was living in France with my husband and daughter. In March during a visit to my parents I finally accepted that they needed daily help and support, which was impossible to give while living abroad. So we decided as a family to move back to the UK, which we did last week. Now we are living 3 miles away so it’s easy to go over every day or as needed.
So now I am faced with the reality of providing care and I have to say it’s a daunting prospect! My mum is a very strong character and is fiercely resistant to help or what she sees as interference. She’s completely unaware of her condition although, with the doctor’s encouragement, I explained the diagnosis to her at the time. She thinks she’s fine. In the last 6 months however, she has stopped washing, she smells and wears the same dirty clothes all the time. Their flat is also pretty dirty. Mum still washes up but that’s about it. My dad does his best: he’s been doing the shopping and laundry. The worst thing really is the relationship between mum and dad. There’s a lot of shouting because dad tries to manage her (e.g. stopping her walking 2 miles to the bank to withdraw cash that she doesn’t need) and she goes berserk at the least sign of anyone trying to control her.
So the question is, now I am here, what’s the best way to make things better for them? I didn’t want to barge in and take over, causing a massive disruption. So I have started gradually, spending 2-3 hours there every other day. I’ve been shopping, cooking meals and I actually managed to clean the bathroom without mum noticing yesterday. She gets very offended if I start cleaning, for obvious reasons.
The most pressing and perplexing problem really is mum’s personal care. I’ve read the information on this site about washing and dressing but I just cannot imagine how I will overcome mum’s resistance. She’s so feisty and easily offended and if she gets a whiff of me trying to organise her she will start crying and shouting, saying “you’re as bad as your father”! Oh dear.
I should just add that mum was assessed by the Community Mental Health team about a year ago. They came round and interviewed her and she was very upset afterwards and said they didn’t need any help. All they offered was to take mum out for a couple of hours a week to give dad a break. She wouldn’t have gone along with that. Eventually they rang me and said they were closing the case because everything they had offered was turned down by my parents. Now that mum’s personal care situation has deteriorated, perhaps it might be time for a reassessment?
Pleased to meet you all and look forward to friendly interactions as we embark on this new life adventure!
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