Just a vent sorry

[T1000]

Hi everyone,

Mum is 3 years into her dementia diagnosis, which likely was going on longer than that. She lived with us 3 years through covid, and then a year ago we found a care home she liked. She is very social, conversational, still goes out, so we meet once or twice per week around my work and things we do as a family, we take her on weekends away etc to make some memories.

My sibling is local, decided to move 20 mins away a few months back, so now visits her maybe for 30min a week but just at the home and barely does anything with her apart from download latest moanings. She once said 'you should not tell me all these things' as it stressed her out but was told 'you have to listen, you are my mum'. Subling has free time, just instead concentrates on their on again off again partner as 'has to focus on the relationship' (nearly 3 years now).

Always focusing on themselves, life is so hard, saying it's difficult to seee mum as it's 'so far'. Latest was their stress about our father passing away this time of year, such a hard month for them, too many memories etc. This was 21 years ago. Our father was an alcoholic who did nothing for us, focused solely on himself and destroyed his body. Yet he is adored and missed 21 years later with so much regret, by this sibling. I suggested that they build memories with mum, as she raised us and is still very much still here. I am then told 'not much point as she won't remember any of it'.

I am fuming. This sibling also said once that we should move her 'up north' as she won't know it's happening anyway, as it 'saves money in care home fees'.

So selfish.

 

[SAP]

Hmm siblings can be beyond belief at times. I have a very complex situation with a sibling and at times I just want to throttle them! They also have felt it ok to offload their problems on mum who has advanced dementia, totally selfish and actually caused mum a lot of harm in terms of stress and anxiety.
Anyway, vent away, I see you and definitely feel your pain.

 

[Kevinl]

Don't feel the need to say "sorry" you're only apologising to the people who haven't "been there, done that, got the t-shirt" most of understand what you're going through.
K

 

[T1000]

Hmm siblings can be beyond belief at times. I have a very complex situation with a sibling and at times I just want to throttle them! They also have felt it ok to offload their problems on mum who has advanced dementia, totally selfish and actually caused mum a lot of harm in terms of stress and anxiety.
Anyway, vent away, I see you and definitely feel your pain.

Thank you @SAP , it's super selfish and I then hear about it from her, maybe you do too. The stress then causes her sleepless nights, but sibling is ok as they have relived their mind by recounting it all.

I know that the sibling is also unhappy that she can no longer fund them financially when they are reckless, and I am the cause of this barrier. If left to her own devices she still does a little, it's infuriating that someone in their 40s still asks an unwell parent for cash and sees nothing wrong with this and is already focusing on how to 'save her cash' re care home fees.

And yet, they are the golden child, I just don't get it.

I have been treated by mum like an enemy in my teens, she was very jealous and hated my school achievements, I think I decided then to be independent, and she dislked not being needed. But this improved in my 30s etc esp once grandchild came along, but in the last 10 years she has relied on me more and more. I do everything, all the admin, worrying, for someone who cared the least for me. And sibling gets to do zero, stress her out, and be so cold behind her back, she has no idea.

How do you manage your sibling?

 

[T1000]

Don't feel the need to say "sorry" you're only apologising to the people who haven't "been there, done that, got the t-shirt" most of understand what you're going through.
K

Thank you K, it just feels wrong to complain but I get so frustrated. I have another sibling who lives far away and I catch myself thinking I would so much rather they were local instead.

 

[Kevinl]

Sometimes the things I read on here make me glad I was "flying solo" looking after my wife.
My wife got early onset AZ, physically in good health, just a lot befuddled, just about the only thing she remembered was me and that she loved me.
Made it all worthwhile.
K

 

[SAP]

To be frank I don’t manage them at all, I have cut them out of my life, like I say it’s a very complex situation. Like you I am the only one doing all the heavy lifting right now and for the past 7 years. I also took a back seat due to family circumstances and that made me very independent. Sibling gets no say as only I have LPA so I do what’s best for mum . It sounds so cold and heartless , I would love to have family support but that will never come so I act as an only child.

 

[Kevinl]

When the going gets tough, the tough get going as the song goes, well done you and everyone else that posts on this site, you're all heros/heroines, never forget that.
K

 

[Fugs]

How do you manage your sibling?

@T1000 I haven't had any communication with one of my siblings for 19 months, and currently have no intention of speaking to them ever again. I got fed up with the foul language, insults and false accusations.

 

[T1000]

Sometimes the things I read on here make me glad I was "flying solo" looking after my wife.
My wife got early onset AZ, physically in good health, just a lot befuddled, just about the only thing she remembered was me and that she loved me.
Made it all worthwhile.
K

Sounds lovely K that you were able to focus solely and she still remembered you and loved you so much, definitely worthwhile and you made such a difference

 

[T1000]

To be frank I don’t manage them at all, I have cut them out of my life, like I say it’s a very complex situation. Like you I am the only one doing all the heavy lifting right now and for the past 7 years. I also took a back seat due to family circumstances and that made me very independent. Sibling gets no say as only I have LPA so I do what’s best for mum . It sounds so cold and heartless , I would love to have family support but that will never come so I act as an only child.

That's a good idea, very sad for you to have all the weight on your shoulders though. But I see how acting as an only child helps you manage.

I have LPA and saw how sibling changed once that was in place and I was forced to state 'you cannot march mum to the ATM for cash you feel you are owed'. They tried to charge her for 'time' to handle her affairs (which they had inistally agreed to, on the basis of pound signs presumably). Once I clarified they could not be seen to charge their parent for helping them, I think they got the message the tap was no longer flowing. Amazing that visits to her now only seem to be 30 min due to 'lack of time' since then.

 

[T1000]

@T1000 I haven't had any communication with one of my siblings for 19 months, and currently have no intention of speaking to them ever again. I got fed up with the foul language, insults and false accusations.

I feel you there, I was nearly at that point 18 months ago, but sibling has needed my help a great deal on personal matters so has simmered down considerably - until they flare up again.
I bet you feel much more peaceful now, it's a decision that protects you best.

 

[T1000]

When the going gets tough, the tough get going as the song goes, well done you and everyone else that posts on this site, you're all heros/heroines, never forget that.
K

Thank you, it's hard to hear and see someone refuse to give her time, as difficult as our childhood was, at least she did raise us, dad was nowhere to be seen and he is still worshipped 21 years on. But we all soldier on as you say thank you

 

[kay3]

Hi everyone,

Mum is 3 years into her dementia diagnosis, which likely was going on longer than that. She lived with us 3 years through covid, and then a year ago we found a care home she liked. She is very social, conversational, still goes out, so we meet once or twice per week around my work and things we do as a family, we take her on weekends away etc to make some memories.

My sibling is local, decided to move 20 mins away a few months back, so now visits her maybe for 30min a week but just at the home and barely does anything with her apart from download latest moanings. She once said 'you should not tell me all these things' as it stressed her out but was told 'you have to listen, you are my mum'. Subling has free time, just instead concentrates on their on again off again partner as 'has to focus on the relationship' (nearly 3 years now).

Always focusing on themselves, life is so hard, saying it's difficult to seee mum as it's 'so far'. Latest was their stress about our father passing away this time of year, such a hard month for them, too many memories etc. This was 21 years ago. Our father was an alcoholic who did nothing for us, focused solely on himself and destroyed his body. Yet he is adored and missed 21 years later with so much regret, by this sibling. I suggested that they build memories with mum, as she raised us and is still very much still here. I am then told 'not much point as she won't remember any of it'.

I am fuming. This sibling also said once that we should move her 'up north' as she won't know it's happening anyway, as it 'saves money in care home fees'.

So selfish.

What selfish jerks! I want to use the A word actually. My family doesn't give a damn either but would not have said or suggested what yours did. Having family around helps our Mum's NOW. They are happy now when they visit. And later their brain throws up little memories of it that stick for months. They repeat those little memories endlessly with the exact same words each time. So they do remember. But they know who their loyal and devoted carer is. I've found that family don't want to think about us because just the thought of us disturbs their beautiful lives. They don't even let themselves think they should be doing more because guilt is a hard emotion. So they never give us a thought.

 

[kay3]

Thank you @SAP , it's super selfish and I then hear about it from her, maybe you do too. The stress then causes her sleepless nights, but sibling is ok as they have relived their mind by recounting it all.

I know that the sibling is also unhappy that she can no longer fund them financially when they are reckless, and I am the cause of this barrier. If left to her own devices she still does a little, it's infuriating that someone in their 40s still asks an unwell parent for cash and sees nothing wrong with this and is already focusing on how to 'save her cash' re care home fees.

And yet, they are the golden child, I just don't get it.

I have been treated by mum like an enemy in my teens, she was very jealous and hated my school achievements, I think I decided then to be independent, and she dislked not being needed. But this improved in my 30s etc esp once grandchild came along, but in the last 10 years she has relied on me more and more. I do everything, all the admin, worrying, for someone who cared the least for me. And sibling gets to do zero, stress her out, and be so cold behind her back, she has no idea.

How do you manage your sibling?

Mum treated me like an enemy too, but now the golden boy is nowhere to be seen. I can't manage him. Anything I say about our tough situation is water off a duck's back. Hard as nails. Unfortunately he has power of enduring attorney and guardianship so we have to maintain a relationship, even after he sold off the assets we were living on.

 

[kay3]

To be frank I don’t manage them at all, I have cut them out of my life, like I say it’s a very complex situation. Like you I am the only one doing all the heavy lifting right now and for the past 7 years. I also took a back seat due to family circumstances and that made me very independent. Sibling gets no say as only I have LPA so I do what’s best for mum . It sounds so cold and heartless , I would love to have family support but that will never come so I act as an only child.

At least you have LPA. My sibling has POEA and POEG so controls us.

 

[JoannePat]

I have learnt (a very hard lesson), that it is easier to manage things on your own sometimes.

The last thing you need is your sibling going in and upsetting your mum and then having to deal with the fallout.

I have an estranged sibling, so I class myself as an only child. I had to deal with my mums dementia and am now dealing with my dads. Its a hard road, but easier without my sibling.

Thinking of you,

x

 

[T1000]

What selfish jerks! I want to use the A word actually. My family doesn't give a damn either but would not have said or suggested what yours did. Having family around helps our Mum's NOW. They are happy now when they visit. And later their brain throws up little memories of it that stick for months. They repeat those little memories endlessly with the exact same words each time. So they do remember. But they know who their loyal and devoted carer is. I've found that family don't want to think about us because just the thought of us disturbs their beautiful lives. They don't even let themselves think they should be doing more because guilt is a hard emotion. So they never give us a thought.

Yes exactly, though you would think their guilt over an absent alcoholic father and 'not spending enough time with him' would translate to seeing that mum is still active and conversational, right here, in the now. Build some memories even just walks which are free (which is the excuse, lives too far and anyway, no money etc.). The family all knows sibling is openly hiding cash from spouse during a divorce, so this 'no money' is wearing really thin.

 

[T1000]

At least you have LPA. My sibling has POEA and POEG so controls us.

So sorry to hear this, sounds like you may live with your mum and be her carer, so you would think he would help much more and be more considerate given what you are doing.

 

[T1000]

I have learnt (a very hard lesson), that it is easier to manage things on your own sometimes.

The last thing you need is your sibling going in and upsetting your mum and then having to deal with the fallout.

I have an estranged sibling, so I class myself as an only child. I had to deal with my mums dementia and am now dealing with my dads. Its a hard road, but easier without my sibling.

Thinking of you,

x

So sorry to hear you are going through it on both counts, very hard going for you on your own. Yes we need to protect ourselves in the end I guess. I cannot prevent sibling visiting and they lack the maturity even in 40's to comprehend they are being selfish by overloading her with stress. To be told 'you must listen to me, you are my mum' shows you how selfish they can be.

I hope you are taking time for you, and able to navigate this, I am so glad of this forum for things like this as feels very lonely indeed.