I've done a stupid, stupid thing

[starryuk]

Hi everyone,

Help please, I have really messed up!

Mum has at last begun to settle in her CH after about 3 months. She has seemed so much better recently, but today I let my guard down. Every day she asks me where my dad is. Why hasn't he come to see her? Why would he stay away? Why hasn't he phoned? You all know how it goes.
Today I told her he died a long time ago. She was beside herself, crying, blaming me for treating her as if she were stupid by not telling her before. I am so upset with myself. I tried to change the subject, but she couldn't be distracted or consoled. For so long I have kept up the lies, but she kept saying don't lie to me. tell me the truth. So I did. Stupid, stupid me.
The carers tell me she will forget what I said, but I am not so sure. I think when she sees me again, it will bring back the feelings of grief, even if she doesn't know why. I am wondering what I can do. Should I stay away for a couple of days to give her a better chance of forgetting?
I am really worried tonight and hoping someone here can advise me on how best to retrieve the situation...if it is possible...and she was so happy when I first went in...eating her jelly and icecream!! grrrr!

Angela

 

[jenniferpa]

The first thing you need to do is cut yourself some slack - I think there are very few of us who haven't, when pushed to the wall, said something that might have been better off unsaid.

I wouldn't change your visiting schedule at all to be honest. If she seems upset by seeing you when you next visit you can rethink this, but there's a good chance that she not only won't remember, she won't have any residual distress. If she is upset then you can consider whether you should delay further visits but I would wait to see at this point.

 

[rajahh]

I knew someone who visited her mother every day and every daythe mother would ask after her own sister. The mother and sister and lived together for many years.

Anyway my friend used to tell her mother that this lady had died, and would cause great distress.

This happened every morning. same question, I haven't seen my sister for a long time where is she??

My friend used to give same answer Sorry Mum but she died.

She came to me in tears one day and I told her to just say she had gone to the shops, or was away for a day or so. worked every time. Nomore tears .

What I am trying to tell you is that this lady had no memory by the next morning that her sister had died, so the chances are your mother will be the same again.

As Jennifer advises. go on your usual day and see how she is. Take it from there.

I have a similar problem with my husband who keeps asking where his wife is, when it is me who is his wife. I just tell him she is out or away or whatever.

It keeps him happy and that is the main thing.

I did once try to tell him that I was his wife and that he was confused. This really upset him so I have never tried it again.

Also as Jennifer says do not beat yourself up about it. I have done many things I wish I hadn't, and hopefully I will have learnt by now and not do them again

Jeannette

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Angela,

Please don't go beating yourself up over this. You might find that she has forgotten what was said by tomorrow but even if she hasn't then you can at least go prepared. Do you have any pictures of your dad or your mum and dad together? Get one of the carers to come and see the pictures and you can both make a fuss over her and get her to tell their story. Do you have anything of your dad's? You could also take something in and say that your dad wanted her to have it and that you had been looking after it for her. Even go and buy a little ornament or something if you think it might help.

Even with dementia it can be amazing what their mind's can conjure up. One day in her care home the carers were asking my mother about dad. They asked his name and my sister answered for her. She then went in to hysterical laughter and said HIM, he's not your dad! LOLOL. Then she was looking through a family album and knew everyone in it then slammed it shut and said "All dead". This after years of telling us that dad and her parents are very much alive and visit her every day. Despite the confusion though she accurately remembered lots of true stories and was happily singing all the songs that used to get sung at family gatherings.

With your mum, this might turn out to be a good experience where she can reminisce and share details of her life with the people around her. That in itself is good for keeping the mind active.

Either way, you'll be ok. Be gentle with yourself!

Fiona

 

[odyssey]

Cruel honesty.....?

You haven't messed up and you are certainly not stupid. You are simply tip toeing through an emotional mindfield,and trying to avoid an explosion.

Most of us have been there. Regrettably there is no easy answer. My dad is 72 , and has had vascular dementia for 12 years. Some days he recognises me, and realises he's old. Other days he's a teenager and looking for his mum.

His mum died when he was 20 - leaving 5 children aged 3-20. A traumatic time for him. My response to his crying for mum varies dependant on the situation. Some days I distract him, some days I help talk him through reality , sometimes the truth - and other days I lie !

Keep visiting, make the most of every prescious day.

 

[Witzend]

Hi everyone,

Help please, I have really messed up!

Mum has at last begun to settle in her CH after about 3 months. She has seemed so much better recently, but today I let my guard down. Every day she asks me where my dad is. Why hasn't he come to see her? Why would he stay away? Why hasn't he phoned? You all know how it goes.
Today I told her he died a long time ago. She was beside herself, crying, blaming me for treating her as if she were stupid by not telling her before. I am so upset with myself. I tried to change the subject, but she couldn't be distracted or consoled. For so long I have kept up the lies, but she kept saying don't lie to me. tell me the truth. So I did. Stupid, stupid me.
The carers tell me she will forget what I said, but I am not so sure. I think when she sees me again, it will bring back the feelings of grief, even if she doesn't know why. I am wondering what I can do. Should I stay away for a couple of days to give her a better chance of forgetting?
I am really worried tonight and hoping someone here can advise me on how best to retrieve the situation...if it is possible...and she was so happy when I first went in...eating her jelly and icecream!! grrrr!

Angela

I do hope she will forget - it is very likely. When we were very new to AD and my FIL asked for the first time where his wife was (dead 10 years) we explained gently that she had died. He was dreadfully upset and we felt awful, while not of course realizing that we could have done anything else. But after a while he asked again, and so had completely forgotten. (thank heavens). By then of course it was a case of LWLs.

Please don't beat yourself up about it - it's so hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

 

[starryuk]

Thank you everyone. It is so helpful to know that others have had the same experience and it really has been forgotten by their relative.

Right. Onward and upward. I shall steel myself, go and visit and hope for the best.
Think maybe I shall take my grandaughter (3) with me for a distraction.

You are all so kind and supportive.

(repeat to self...'stop beating yourself up...stop beating yourself up!)

Angela x

 

[Nanak]

In this situation Little White Lies are sometimes the only way to get round the problem.
We did the same with my Mother in Law when she used to ask for her brother (who had passed away 15 years before Mum got ill).
I'm here today Mum/I don't think he would come out in this rain, do you?/I haven't spoken to him today so I don't know (that one at least was true ) and she had forgotten in a minute.
You play each day by ear. And no, you NEVER beat yourself up
Nanak

 

[Canadian Joanne]

starryuk, I feel that honesty is a greatly over-rated virtue, at least when dealing with dementia. The main goal for all of us is to keep our loved ones as happy and contented as we can manage, which can be very difficult. If it takes skirting around the truth, little white lies or huge, honking massive lies, so be it.

 

[Witzend]

starryuk, I feel that honesty is a greatly over-rated virtue, at least when dealing with dementia. The main goal for all of us is to keep our loved ones as happy and contented as we can manage, which can be very difficult. If it takes skirting around the truth, little white lies or huge, honking massive lies, so be it.

Hear, hear.
I don't mind admitting that if I were Pinocchio, my nose would have gone about 14 times round the world by now.

 

[matchstick]

Starryuk,My dad and my brother have passed away,in my mums world they live on through me,some days I'm my dad,some days I'm my brother..even some days I'm me.All that matters to me is my mum never knew the grief of there bereavement..you gotta do what you gotta do.Why would I want to cause my own mum sorrow...even if I told my mum it would be forgotten next day.

 

[21citrouilles]

Don't beat yourself up please!

I agree with another poster that honesty is over rated with dementia sufferers. But sometimes we forget it, and treat them like we do others. It's only normal. Communication with a dementia sufferer is often like a juggler act, doesn't come naturally, and sometimes we slip! I made mistakes too before, and no long term harm done!

 

[Lisa74]

There was nothing stupid about what you said!

Hi Starry,

I think it was okay to tell your Mum that. She asked you to be honest and she is a human being so you acted in an appropriate way, in accordance with what she wanted. It caused her distress, as you would expect, but you're not to blame for the distress, your Dad's death is.

My Gran has mid-stage dementia and when she asks if we've "Been next door to see [her] mum" we do say "You're 87 now and your Mum would be 120 if she was alive, she went to heaven but you have us", likewise if she asks about her husband we tell her he died quite young but that they had many happy times together and we sometimes look at pictures of them together. She asks most nights and is a little upset but not hugely. If she starts asking constantly we may have to resort to telling her they're in Australia (somewhere her Mum and brother did live for several years) but for now I feel the truth is the right thing.

I don't think that you did anything wrong! Hopefully if your Mum has enough nice visits and forgets what you've told her then she'll be okay. Even if she remembers, she'll adjust over time.

I hope you're okay!

 

[Miss Merlot]

In the grand scheme of things, this is not really all that stupid (in fact, not at all!) - you were doing your level best in a difficult situation...

The "advantage" with dementia is that you have time for trial and error (just watched Groundhog Day this week, and the same theme comes to mind!) - in a day or two, you can start over with a blank canvass, and know never to give into the same demands again.

Don't beat yourself up - chances are that your mum is not dwelling on the episode at all by this point...

 

[Taz]

It is an emotional minefield, sometimes you feel as if you can't do right for doing wrong

Mum was always brutally honest with Dad in the early days of his Vasc Dem: I think, in part, it was out of frustration and she had some concept that she could shock him into being more aware.
If he was confused over someone or something she would tell him the truth, no matter if it was hurtful....I used to give her all these print outs and information about what to do or say and she would just ignore it all. At times I winced at the effect this had on Dad....he was confused and heartbroken to be told that his Mum, Dad and sister were dead. I lied to him, big lies or small lies....I didn't care as long as I didn't see that hurt in his eyes....as you can imagine, it caused a certain amount of conflict between Mum and me.
Then after he broke both hips and ended up in a CH, Mum seemed to soften. Now she lies to him about where people are, saying that they have gone on holiday or they will be along later.....whatever it takes to get him through each day without any upsets.
Please don't beat yourself up......this is a cruel disease and we all cope with it the best way we can.
Take care.
X

 

[dottyd]

Mam asks for her mum every time she sees me.

It's really hard. I just say she's at work.

I did slip up after a gruelling q and a session and say she's died and that sent mam into a tailspin.

Won't do that again

Probably best to say she's coming later.

I always finish a visit to mam saying I'll see you tomorrow.

 

[starryuk]

DottyD,

I know what you mean by the gruelling question and answer session!

Everyone else, you were right. My mum has forgotten thank goodness. I went in to visit the following day, armed with a box of chocolates. We joined in the residents' bingo session, I fielded a question about my Dad's whereabouts and finally left feeling very relieved.

I am only a few months into learning how to deal with my very confused mum, as she previously lived abroad and near my sister. So, many many thanks for all your support and advice. This has been a lesson learned. I am sure there will be more along the way.

Angela