It just isn't fair

[HarryC]

I seem to have posted this on someone else's thread by mistake, so I will try again.

I have posted before about my mum living with my wife and I in a purpose built Granny Annex and the apparent hatred my mum has for my wife (my second wife, she never did get on very well with my first wife)

My wife cooks, cleans, does her washing, takes her to her appointments as well as arranging them. We have paid care come in for 45 minutes six evenings a week to get mum bathed and ready for bed as it was just too much of a fight for my wife. Almost every night I have the same conversation with mum to appreciate everything that my wife does for her or at least oblige by cooperating with requests to get dressed in the mornings. But no every day the same vitriol always aimed at my wife, if by chance mum is collected for a day at my brother's or her day center three days a week she is perfection personified and makes us look like liars.

The only way to get mum to do what she needs to do is be direct and firm, pussyfooting around like everyone else gets us nowhere (believe me we have tried lots of strategies) My wife isn't in the best of health herself with a slight heart murmur, high blood pressure and osteo arthritis, I do what I can when I am not at work but my wife does the bulk of it.

When I first met my wife a few years ago mum was a little strange then, so my wife has never seen the kind and caring person mum used to be. The person that lives in that Granny Annex isn't my mum 80% of the time, the person that mixes with others is a closer version, she seems to have a Dementia switch?

Building the Granny Annex was really forced on to us as my brother was having his house reconfigured to accommodate a house within his house for his mother in law who (although older than mum) is a right as rain. I love my mum and will do all I can to try to make her life as good as possible but my wife is my priority, it may look to everyone outside our home that we are abrupt towards mum maybe appearing uncaring but it's the only way we can keep our own lives normal (ish). Maybe the only true next option is a care home, although the annex cost a small fortune only to be used for eighteen months?

 

[Delphie]

I take my hat off to your wife. I couldn't and wouldn't do what she does.

If you've had enough then yes, a care home might be the way to go. Who knows, your mum might well thrive in one. And if she remains grumpy then at least your wife will get her life back.

Forget about the annex and how long it was used for. It's a testament to your dedication to your mum. You did everything you could for her in your home for as long as it was feasible.

 

[marionq]

Mornings are certainly the most difficult time in our house. Can you get carers to do the morning wash and dress? With your wife's health issues she really shouldn't be doing this anyway. I am pretty healthy other than HBP from stress and I find the whole showering shaving dressing thing a daily struggle.

 

[HarryC]

My wife was in pieces last night at the way she had been spoken to and called "wicked" I spoke to (the person that looks like my mum) to explain that she needs to treat us all like family only to be told that I was wicked too.

My wife has gone to visit her brother for a couple of days for some r&r I have actually got my brother and SIL to have mum for the day tomorrow, undoubtedly she will behave impeccably? At least my wife will have had a break, if that helps my wife we will get mum into a nice local care home for a week which will prepare her for when my wife and I go on holiday in July.