Is this normal?

[bangor1]

I am really upset. My mum is only 72 and is in early stages of dementia. She lives alone in another part of the UK to me so I cannot get to her easily. I have poa otherwise she would not be able to remain at home as loses cards etc and cannot order in her own food. However she tells her friend, other members of the family and carers (basically anyone who will listen) that I am stealing her money and other stuff which is very upsetting. My cousin has texted me today to say she called my aunt to tell her all the awful things I am doing and they also contacted my brother to tell them what my mum is saying. I am very upset and stressed as if I were not helping her she would be in a home where she insists she doesn't want to be. I am at the point of no longer wanting to help her. Is any of this normal?

 

[Katrine]

Oh dear, sadly very normal. You must feel so sad, having to deal with everything for your mum and then hearing that 'the disease is talking' to your relatives - it's not your normal mum saying these things, it IS the disease. If it was me I would aim to get the concerned friend and relatives on my side a.s.a.p. so that you can work as a team.

18 months ago we were trying to encourage MIL to try day care after a spell in hospital where she had lost her confidence to go out. She also agreed to a charity befriender coming once a week. However, on the first day this person was due MIL had secretly arranged for her sister and BIL to come up to 'rescue her'. She had told them that we were trying to put her in a home. Auntie was cross and antagonistic to us, but having spent a weekend staying with her sister she soon changed her tune and said "We had no idea things were this bad."

It is natural for your mum to reach out to her sister, and for your aunt to believe her rather than to ring you to discuss it. Your cousin has given you a heads-up which means they are open to hearing your side of things. The last thing you all need is to be pulling in different directions and spreading tales of suspicion around.

Your mum needs you to work together and keep in good communication. You need their support.
Perhaps you have been too brave and silent about things up until now, out of loyalty and also the shock of this happening to your mum at such a young age?

Time to engage these people in the practicalities. If they then back away, you know they are part of the great army of 'invisibles' that people often post about on TP. However, it is early days, so give them the benefit of the doubt and arrange to go and see them, if you can, to discuss the future.

You might also consider having a support worker from Alzheimer's Society visit your aunt and family to explain what is going on with your mum and the kind of support she is likely to need as time goes on. This will take some of the heat out of you appearing to be interfering or untrustworthy. It sometimes takes an outsider to bring the reality home to people who may be in denial of the extent of the problem.

Katrine x

 

[bangor1]

Thanks Katrine. Your reply is a real help. I can't tell you how much! My aunt is elderly herself though not immobile but her relationship with my mother is very up and down as my mum also sadly has a long history of bi-polarism which is controlled by drugs and usually not a problem. However there have been times when my mother has really lashed out at her and she has made it very clear to me that she thinks my mum should be in a home and that she does not want to be involved in any way in her care. My family who still live local to my mother are clear that the problem is mine not theirs as they are busy. However she does have a lovely friend who is very close and is visiting her regularly.

 

[Nebiroth]

I am really upset. My mum is only 72 and is in early stages of dementia. She lives alone in another part of the UK to me so I cannot get to her easily. I have poa otherwise she would not be able to remain at home as loses cards etc and cannot order in her own food. However she tells her friend, other members of the family and carers (basically anyone who will listen) that I am stealing her money and other stuff which is very upsetting. My cousin has texted me today to say she called my aunt to tell her all the awful things I am doing and they also contacted my brother to tell them what my mum is saying. I am very upset and stressed as if I were not helping her she would be in a home where she insists she doesn't want to be. I am at the point of no longer wanting to help her. Is any of this normal?

Hi, yes, this is sadly all completely normal and not to be unexpected. Not everyone with dementia goes through this phase but a great many do. The reason is that your mum can either no longer understand her finances or the true value of money, or is suffering from a delusion (a false belief) about the amount of money she has. In either case, the result is that the reality of what money she does have is colliding with her belief over what she thinks she should have and the only way to reconcile this is to conclude that someone is stealing from her. This conclusion is, in itself, logical as is her reaction to it. We would all react in this way if our bank statements showed we had less money than we were certain we once had.

And sadly, the accusations of theft are of course aimed right at the person most involved in providing the help and care - who is usually the person least likely of anyone to have been stealing.

I expect your mum also puts things away in odd places, forgets and then can't find them; again, the way her mind explains this is to conjure a non-existant thief.

It is natural for relatives such as your aunt to take what your mum says seriously, even if they think it is highly unlikely; it is, after all, not unknown for relatives to abuse the elderly financially.

The only way to deal with this in regard of worried relatives is to involve them, if possible, in your mum's care. They will soon realise that she does not have a grip on reality (although be warned: your mum may be able to put a good act for them, at least temporarily). I would also suggest you sit down with your aunt and a professional such as a social worker, CPN if there is one, or someone from the Alzheimer's Society who will be able to explain just how commonplace such accusations are when someone has dementia and why they do it.

My father wnet through a phase of worrying about the "£30,000 in the bank" he could not find (which never, of course, existed). He never got to the point of accusing us of stealing it, but he did have a belief that TV quiz shows were using it to pay for the prizes. He did at one point accuse me of stealing and smoking his cigarettes because he could not remember smoking them himself and then found the empty packs.

 

[Margaret W]

All normal Bangor. But that doesn't help you, does it?

Why is she your sole responsibility? At the other end of the country, when other rellies are close by. All busy, you say. Yep, I was busy when my mum needed help. I was working a 60-hour week 50 miles from home, a 2.5 hour round trip. And an only child, so no choice, it was all down to me. I did it. And very glad that I had no-one to argue with me!

It isn't your mum speaking, its her delusions, very, very common. She probably thinks you are some great uncle from her childhood who spent all his wife's money, and you are he.

Being Bipolar will not help, will it? That means she has two mental illnesses at loggerheads in her mind. Poor lady.

Please don't let her lies stop you from doing what you wish to do. But at the same time, try to get some of these local rellies on board. Get one to do her shopping. Get another to do her cleaning. Make a fuss of the good friend that she has - friends are often far more reliable than family.

But above all, don't think your mum is really accusing you of anything, it is the illness at work.

Do you have Power of Attorney for your mum? It's probably too late to do it through the normal channels now, but even so, keep a record of any monies that you handle - a little notebook will do, and staple in the receipts. Make sure you keep copies of all bank statements, or better still organise them to be accessed online. Then they can't be lost.

Please don't give up on her. She needs you. Get as much help as you can though, cos you need that too.

Good luck

Margaret

 

[bangor1]

Thank you all so much. Each of you is helping me enormously. On the relatives front, my aunt has told me categorically that she cannot and will not get involved. When I eventually got POA my mum then cancelled it the next day. After a while of funding her food ourselves (which we couldn't afford to keep doing plus she had plenty of income to do so herself) we sadly had to leave her to find out she needed help. Her carers contacted the social services who contacted my aunt who lives locally and she rang me to complain why she had been contacted. So that says it all as to her level of interest in her sister.
My brother is not local either and rarely if ever answers my calls regarding her. He is either in denial or just totally heartless.

I do have POA though this could change any day if she rings the bank again to cancel.

The formal diagnosis is not through yet so no support from the medical side though I have told the social worker (temporary and who says mum needs a mental health sw but she's on longterm sick leave....)

Her friend however is wonderful.